Posts filed under ‘nurturing’
How the Sins of Our Mothers Scar Us
My sister and I always felt that our mom favored our brother Tony. Her heart seemed to be softer on his behalf. Don’t get me wrong, Tony got into trouble and was punished too, but not as much once my parents split up. What I now know, is that Mom was compensating for my dad being absent in his life. She did the best she knew how.
Since I was in college during my sister and brother’s high years; years AD (after divorce), I didn’t see much preferential treatment bestowed on Tony.
Mom could do a lot of things really well! When it came to organization and getting things done, my mom was AWESOME! I learned how to speak up for and take care of myself because of my mother. Showing emotions, wasn’t her strength. She was unable to teach me how to love and nurture myself or anyone else. So in high school and college, I was pretty detached in my relationships. I kept to myself and only opened up to my closest friends.
Once I became a mom and started seeking my mother’s advice, I asked her why she seldom said she loved us or hugged. Her words were “My mom didn’t treat us that way.”
Here’s the deal: families live and die emotionally through experiences with the moms in their lives. If your mom did not receive praise and lots of ‘I love yous’ ❤️ as a child, then they either feel that it was unwarranted (when they raise children) or they are emotionally unable to share those kinds of feelings.
It is definitely possible that mothers will give lots of love and praise when they have their own children even if they didn’t receive it as a child. I have many friends who are wonderful moms, and when asked about their childhood, they say they didn’t get along with their mom. When pressed to explain further, they say they wanted a different experience for their own children. ❤️
When mothers are harsh and don’t exhibit warmth and love to their son or daughter, that child grows up similar to a sociopath who acts without feelings or conscious.
How do we change that behavior?
One child at a time…
Yes I know you are busy working and raising a family…
Yes, I know you never had a relationship with your mom or dad and don’t know how to talk (civilly) or show love…
Yes, it’s hard…
But not impossible…
Start by taking baby steps.
- “Good morning, I love you.”
- “Good night I love you.”
- “Have a good day at school.” (Hug your son or daughter)
- “You mean everything to me.”
These statements go a long way toward building a better relationship.
That’s nice. ❤️
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons, Fathers and Daughters or Fathers and their Sons.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
Teaching Millennial Young Women…OMG
I have been absent from this blog for the last month. Hard to believe, but it’s true and I apologize to those of you who look forward to my weekly posts. I have a good excuse though; I’ve been teaching a group of young ladies that have given me a run for my money. Call them young female millennials.
These young women are outspoken, opinionated, oppositional and hard to love. Many of them have dysfunctional relationships with their mothers – they have said “I hate my mom”, don’t respond well to rules and have very short attention spans.
I took it personally at first and couldn’t understand why I was dealing with this type of student. Then I realized that many of you have these young girls or women in your home. These are your daughters and they are not easy to parent or get close to. There are many reasons explaining why our daughters appear distant from us. It could be the fast pace of social media; how women and girls are portrayed in the media, or the inattention that they receive at home from us their mothers and fathers when we’re busy.
I know we have to change our mindset in order to reach this generation. They love technology. That means we can’t hate technology and expect to stay in touch with our girls. Whether it’s through texting, emailing, Face-timing or Facebook messages, talk to your girls and let them know you love them and are there for them.
While the attitudes of these students were enough to make me think about retiring early; I realized that I was being given an opportunity to do what I love to do – get close and share my love with this millennial generation – your daughters. There are all kinds of things going on in their young lives. Some good; some not so good. They just need to know that someone really cares and is listening. No matter what type of outward attitude they give off.
Keep the lines of communication open Moms…your daughters really are listening.
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for millennial daughters, aging parents, or mothers and sons.
Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author, Coach & Family Dynamics Specialist
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
NEW: Yours & Mine: A Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)
Mom Love
“Can you just love me as the daughter that I am?” That’s a question that many girls and women ask these days. “What did I do to make my mother treat me the way she does?” A friend of mine talks of how her mother belittles her and treats her like she’s a three year old. One of my adult students says that her mother can’t seem to find a kind word to say to her and she just avoids her. Why is that? As they say, there is nothing like a mother’s love. When you don’t have it, don’t you feel unbalanced?
In one of the chapters of my soon-to-be released book, “How to Raise Your Princess into a Queen”, I discuss what it means to be proud of your daughter. As a mother of two daughters, I remember how much I expected out of them.
My stepdaughter joined our family at the age of 16, so I didn’t get to participate in her training as a young girl. Yes I expected a lot from them, but I also explained why. I remember one of the conflicts that my daughter and I had, was when she became a teen. She told me that my expectations were too high for her. So we talked about it. Part of her problem with me was that I just told her what to do and didn’t seem to care how I said what I said. So it really wasn’t my expectations, but how I said what I expected. What did I expect?
• Be responsible
• Be respectable
• Finish school
• Believe in God
• Work & manage your money
• Respect your parents and other adults
• Think before you act
I think in all of the raising that we do with our daughters, we forget to be human with them, to love and enjoy them. Have a good relationship with your daughter. Talk to her, the way you would want her to talk to you if she were your mother. Cursing and harsh talking will not endear her to you. If she is a strong-willed person, like I was, not only will she not respect you, you may just tell you to jump in the lake. (I’m being funny here, but you don’t want an unnecessary fight on your hands.) Parenting is about gently leading and guiding our children, and teaching them right from wrong. As my grandmother used to say, “You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar”.
To raise the consciousness of our people (and I’m talking humans everywhere), we have to lead by example and do it with love. The way you treat her, will be the way she treats her children.
I am putting together a mother-daughter workshop that will be offered in late summer, 2013. Let me know if you have a story that you’d like to share with me.
My email is: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru
Author & Parenting Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013
Happy Mother’s Day – Mothers Care!!!
Happy Mother’s Day to all! As my pastor explained yesterday in church, a mother is more than a biological designation. Any woman with the right ‘plumbing’ can have a child. However it takes someone who has nurtured, loved, and encouraged a child that is engaged in the act of mothering. That would explain the close bond that many athletes have with their coaches; how a foster or step parent can join a family and be the very glue that helps that family become close-knit; and how teachers who have never had children of their own, end up parenting hundreds of kids because of their love and concern for those students (my aunt – Priscilla).
I finally get it! As a mother, a coach (for three seasons – OMG) and a step parent, I care. The basic component of mothering is the caring. People thrive when you actively care for them. Caring can be shown in many ways. Maybe you are there to listen. Many teachers do that daily. There are lots of children who are growing up without someone at home to listen to them. A caring teacher who listens is a mother… Maybe you are a step parent or a foster parent or a guardian parent, and the only tie you have to your “child” is because of court appointment or through the legalities of marriage. Show compassion, be kind, care. Your kindness may not be appreciated right away, but in time, your child(ren) will talk about what they liked/loved about you..
Right now you may feel that your children may not appreciate all that you do to help them grow into magnificent men and women. Don’t worry; just keep loving, nurturing, giving, caring and starting all over again tomorrow doing the same thing. During those times when you feel too exhausted or discouraged to continue, pray for guidance and replenishment to continue caring and loving your child(ren). It will pay off in tremendous ways! You will see!
Take the rest of May and celebrate Mother’s Day with me! If you want to compare your parenting styles to the crazy parenting styles of different celebs, click on this link: http://www.crushable.com/2013/05/12/other-stuff/mothers-day-celebrity-parenting-advice/
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013
We Care…
These last two months have been tumultous months of chaos and violent events especially geared toward children and women. Just in the last two weeks, I have read about violence in Illinois, Colorado, Indiana and now Connecticut and China. I used to write that the violence that we are experiencing in our country is based on the breakdown of the family, lack of morals being taught in the home, or a lack of discipline. That is probably an easy answer. A more honest answer is that brutality and violence are common in TV shows, movies, comics, etc. and what way to look “cool” than to do the unconscionable – hurt someone! That may be a simplistic answer as well, so I’m not sure why there is such an attack on humanity, but the killings that are occurring in our homes, schools, businesses and communities is alarming to say the least!
What can we do as parents to shore up and protect our children from the chaos that is currently taking place in our world? There is no guarantee that you and your loved ones will be reunited at the end of the day. So here are my suggestions:
1. Love and hug your kids EVERYDAY!
2. Explain and communicate in a way that your child understands your care & concern for them!
3. Be concerned about other kids in your community as well, and
4. Support the teachers in your child’s life.
We are experiencing an enormous shift in how little we interact with each other and how easy it is to hide behind the technology that conveniences our lives. My son and daughter tell me they can always tell if a good television program is on. They can tell because I can hardly say two words together – I am distracted. Today is not a good time to be distracted from our children. We miss things they feel, think, say and do when we are distracted.
My heart goes out to the victims of domestic violence, dating violence, gun violence, and bullying.
CLW
Your Son’s Role Model?
I keep trying to understand the male culture of taking one’s enemies out. As a woman, it is not an easily understood phenomenon. In my neighborhood, African American men and boys resolve their differences by shooting each other. Lots of males are dying these days. This kind of ethnic cleansing happens in Hispanic neighborhoods as well. Males in mainstream America also shoot, often harming or killing everyone in the general vicinity.
Very little discussion takes place because our society doesn’t seem to remember a time when we resolved our differences by talking things out. Tolerance is not a skill that seems to be taught or valued anymore. In the political arena, instead of working together, candidates annihilate each other with lies and insinuations, basically killing the accused candidate’s chances of winning anything. In corporate America, money and power rule to such an extent, that discussion and the possibility of working things out, very seldom occurs, unless a watchdog agency intervenes.
How do we teach our sons a better way to grow up in a society that does not value love, respect, honor and truth? What happened to the dads of yesteryear? My dad is one of those “yesteryear” dads. He was Dr. Huxtable from The Cosby Show, Steve Douglas on My Three Sons (dating myself here), or the Mr. Eddie’s father on the Courtship of Eddie’s Father. I am talking about a dad that spends time with his family and talks to and with his son(s). How else can boys grow into men without that kind of guidance?
I wonder if the Colorado shooter had had positive, quality time with his father during his formative years, if he would have been inclined to randomly shoot and kill people in a movie theatre. Don’t get me wrong, women own a piece of this parenting debacle too. Our boys can’t grow up like wild, uncontrollable plants without our assistance or good parenting. However, in the end they (our sons) are looking for a male role model; any old role model will do. If the only available role model is a drug dealer, that is who our sons will follow. If the role model is a caring, tolerant, man of faith – that’s who are son will follow instead.
Who is your son’s role model?
C. Lynn
Nurturing Young Kids
I was on my way to school and noticed a young man walking in front of a very young child, possibly a toddler. The “toddler” was hoping behind his dad and his dad was talking on the cell phone, oblivious to whether the child crossed the street safely or not. I was bothered by the entire scene, and I have seen this many times. The parent is in front of their child, and not paying attention to that child. What happened to walking down the street holding hands with your child? We were not allowed to cross the street without holding the hand of our older sibling or parent. What in the world are these people thinking about?
What are your thoughts?
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
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