Posts filed under ‘parenting adult children’

How Well Are You Managing Your ADULT Pampered Prince?

I keep running into women who tell me these incredible stories about how their moms (and dads) are still taking care of their brothers. Mind you we aren’t talking about teen or college-aged sons, but sons in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. Depending on the situation, taking care of your adult son, means you are paying his rent, car note, buying groceries, washing his laundry or he’s still living with you.

Portrait of a mother and her young adult/late teen son.

While there are cultures where the children stay home until they marry, the son or daughter is either in school or working. These are not the families I’m talking about. I’m referring to those households where no matter what the son has done, mom defends him. I experienced this while teaching at an all-male high school. If my student had cheated on a test or plagiarized a paper, his mom wanted to know what was I doing to cause her son to cheat or plagiarize. Crazy!

I’ve also been guilty of zealously taking my son’s side when I thought his father or stepdad was being too harsh with him. But here’s the thing I’ve learned: the more you defend your son to his father, stepdad, teacher, or whomever – the more your son feels that he can do whatever he wants without consequences. You see it in toddler boys. Often his behavior is considered cute even when he says “shut-up” or hits you back. It’s a different story when he tells you to shut up and he’s six or 16. Then it’s not cute. Hold him accountable when he’s a teen and doesn’t want to stay in school. It’s not okay to let him quit just because he can’t get along with his teacher or coach.

As a divorced mom, I thought I was raising my son properly. At the time, it was hard hearing any criticism of him. Not that I thought he was perfect, more that I felt it reflected badly on my parenting skills. In my The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son book, I talk about how teaching at the all-male high school made me a better parent. I required my students to follow my class rules, complete their assignments on time and be respectful. When they didn’t, I had consequences for them. As I thought about it, I realized those same rules applied to my own son – my pampered prince. It was a great AHA moment for me! 

Today as I watch the news and hear from mothers who vigorously defend their son’s behavior, I think about the importance of holding those sons accountable at an early age. Saying “shut up” at two and three years old isn’t cute, it’s disrespectful. If you allow that behavior to continue, you’re creating a monster. Just like you teach your son to read, write and count. Teach him to be accountable for what he does, and to be respectful of others – those who look like him and those who don’t. If life brings him back home to live with you (as an adult), remember he is an adult and can take care of himself. Washing his clothes and cooking meals for him is not going to encourage him to move out of your house, or make him good material for marriage!

#StaySane

Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons, Fathers and Daughters or Fathers and their Sons.

Click Here to pick up a copy of this book. 

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker

www.clynnwilliams.com

August 31, 2017 at 3:06 pm Leave a comment

Gun Violence Begins at Home

acceptance

Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, all I wanted was to be accepted for who I was – glasses and all, and look like my best girlfriend Susan. What I later learned is that it wouldn’t have mattered what I looked like, because most kids wanted to look like or be someone else.

While most of my friends had strict parents, I didn’t have any close friends (that I knew of) whose parents were verbally (or physically) cruel. I say that because as a kid we had parental permission to visit our close friends and I often watched how my friends’ moms and dads interacted with them. Yes I’ve been fascinated with family dynamics since I was a kid. I know what it’s like to grow up in a house where you’re constantly criticized or made to feel bad for who you are. I’ve seen it firsthand. As a child, it feels awful to be constantly criticized.Not Communicating

I also feel sorry for parents who expect to have (what they consider to be) normal kids, who aren’t. Maybe the child is sick, disabled/handicapped or have a different sexual orientation. It’s understandable to expect your child to grow up and be awesome! All parents want that. But when your child grows up and chooses a career or life that you did not expect or don’t value as acceptable, what do you do?

I believe you internalize your disappointment and think you’ve failed as a parent. Depending on your upbringing, you become critical of that young man or woman and say hurtful things that create division and separation. But let me tell you what can happen to that young man or woman; they feel rejected and hurt. You may never hear those feelings because it’s not safe for them to share them with you. If the dynamics in your household is violence and anger, they internalize that too.

Think about it! The gun violence over the last 6 years has often been random and impersonal. As a kid, if you haven’t been hugged, kissed or told how much you are loved (by your parents); if your only validation was to be told ‘How stupid you are’, ‘You’ll never amount to anything’, ‘I wish you were never born’ or ‘Shut up’; you’re ignored or beaten, it is easy to see how you would internalize those feelings and become bitter.

Anytime I read or hear about a mass or random shooting, I wonder what kind of environment that person grew up in. Were they loved, nurtured and well-cared for? Or were they allowed to do their own thing and somewhat ignored because their parents worked (a lot), didn’t know how to reach out to them, didn’t care. Gun violence photo

I am truly sorry for the mass shootings in Orlando, as well as the daily shootings in Chicago. Folks wake up! It’s not too late to reestablish a loving relationship with your child – no matter how old they are. ♥♥

Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Family Dynamics Strategist, Coach & Author

www.clynnwilliams.com

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)

 

June 15, 2016 at 11:21 am 4 comments

MOTHERS Be Nice…

mother_son_girlfriendCompeting for your son’s attention? Stop! Find someone your own age to rely on and release him from your servitude! You have had your son all of his life, and it is time for him to spread his wings and fly away from your nest. He’s 18 now. You’ve taught him how to take care of himself (cook & clean his clothes and the house), as well as select, treat and respect nice women right? So be NICE to his girlfriend when he brings her to your house. Don’t try to find some reason NOT to like her. His choice of girlfriend may not be who you would have chosen for him. It’s OKAY! Will she be everything that you want for him? Maybe not…then again her parents may feel the same way about him. I am not telling you to keep quiet if you believe your son is dating a ‘black widow’ or something!

Speaking from experience as both a mother of sons, and a woman being brought home to meet “his parents” for the first time, mothers are some rough people to get to know. If your son’s girlfriend uses slang, she’s too common. If she uses an extensive vocabulary, you decide that she thinks she’s better than ‘us’. OMG! He will always be your Pampered Prince – your boy. The true conversation occurs if he asks your opinion of her. If not, don’t offer it.

It’s said that our sons choose women like us.  If you (and his dad) have raised him properly, he will make a great husband and father. You really do want someone to love him and take him off your hands…living with you into his forties is not the plan is it?

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)

February 17, 2014 at 5:22 pm Leave a comment

When Is Close Too Close?

Is there ever a time when is a Parent – Child relationship too close?

me_kids_Mothers Day 2011

What does that mean? If you spend time with your son or daughter or talk on the phone daily, is that too close? Does your close relationship interfere with your ability to parent that child? If the lines are blurred, meaning you such good friends, that you can’t give well-deserved consequences for misbehaving, then YES, you are probably too close.

I believe that teenagers and parents can’t be friends because when you need to discipline them or expect them to follow your rules, because they won’t understand how you’ve switched from friend to parent and may not obey you. On the other hand, if you are an aloof parent – the kind that just administers rules and won’t allow a close relationship to develop between you and your tween or teen, how do they learn that important skill of allowing others to be close to them?

However, what happens when your child becomes an adult and a real friendship develops? How much sharing is too much? Can you go out together and drink socially? Can you share the disappointments that you are experiencing in your own life? How do you maintain those relationships in a friendly way and yet not get hurt, the way adults do when one ‘friend’ feels differently or doesn’t respond in a way that you expect? We recently had a social event, and one of my friends, (she’s 40ish), told me that she asked her mother not to attend, so she could comfortably go and ‘have fun’. I had a completely different experience with my mother. Once I went away to school, we became friends and it was not uncommon to come home during break and be part of one my Mom’s famous parties. We’d have a blast!

So share your experiences with your mother. Email me at: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com

Hope you will follow some of my new #blogger friends:

Phil Rowlands Blog: Kindle Authors http://bit.ly/1ix9A3T (password: childsplay)

Christie Edwards Blog: Living Simplistically http://bit.ly/HwlFui

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Author & Parent Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com

Order My Books on Amazon.com:

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)

October 31, 2013 at 1:16 pm 7 comments


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