Adolescence | Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens

Posts tagged ‘Adolescence’

Keep Your Hands (and Other Body Parts) to Yourself

At the risk of sounding insensitive, I admit that I have gotten desensitized to news about priests and coaches molesting boys and girls. It happens so often, it seems like daily news. I don’t like it, and it seems to take forever for the truth to come out (the kids are usually adults). Of course, nobody believes that a man of the cloth or a favorite coach is touching our kids inappropriately. Wake up America! Did it ever occur that the ‘acting out’ that our kids are doing, may be related to a secret they are ashamed to tell you?

What I still can’t stomach, is when our teen girls tell us (mothers) that they are being sexually molested by their fathers, stepfathers, uncles (family members) and we don’t listen. What is that about? As I mentor teen girls and young women, I want to say that I’m shocked that mothers prefer to believe their (in some cases) pedophile boyfriend to their own daughter. The sex can’t be that good. To make matters worse, you kick your daughter out, because you can’t possibly believe her. Now what is she supposed to do?

Remember the movie Precious? Precious’ mother knew her husband (Precious’ biological dad) was having sex with his daughter and had fathered Precious’ two children. Yuck! But it happens, probably more often than we care to admit, and it’s a dirty little family secret – especially if a child is born. If there was ever a reason for castration, sexually molesting your kid, niece, nephew or granddaughter is number one as far as this mother is concerned! What are your thoughts?

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)

February 6, 2014 at 12:35 pm Leave a comment

Can Your Daughter’s Friends Influence Her Eating Habits?

Is your daughter fixated on her weight? Does she consider herself fat? Does she feel that she gains weight no matter how little she eats? Right now I have a couple of students who worry about eating or drinking anything for fear of gaining weight.

As graduation approached for my daughter, I remember the photographer telling her that she needed to stop eating “all those cookies” and lose weight, so that she would look good in her prom dress. My daughter and I laughed at the time, but little did I know, that she took those words to heart, and began watching what she was eating. By the time prom occurred, she was tiny! So were her girlfriends.

According to Journal of Youth and Adolescence, a girl’s peers exert more influence on her dissatisfaction with her body, more so than TV actresses or social media. Dangerous weight control such as excessive dieting or bulimic tendencies often begins during the tween years. For some reason, excessive weight control does not affect girl “jocks”. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130130143628.htm
The words “You’re fat” can easily send a t(w)een girl into an eating disorder spiral.

This theory isn’t new to parents. Can’t you tell what peers your daughter is involved with based on how she acts? I certainly could. Are you concerned with your daughter’s obsession with weight? If so, ask your health care provider or school personnel to suggest a prevention or intervention program that will help her better control any obsessive eating tendencies.

C. Lynn Williams – #MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

March 25, 2013 at 6:40 pm Leave a comment

Timeout for Bullies

Last week one of my friends found out that her nine year old son was being bullied at school. Not only did she find out that he was being bullied, she found out from her mother (his grandmother) because he didn’t want to tell her! As a result of the bullying, he had become withdrawn in class and a couple of his teachers were yelling at him too. So how do you get your child to talk to you about bullying?
When I talk to parents about their children being bullied, I often remember running home from school daily in fifth grade. There were two girls – one lived on my block, and the other was in my fifth grade class. What was interesting about the school bully was that the teacher knew that I was being constantly bullied by this girl. I told her. I was involved in a fight after school. Actually it was no fight; I was usually beaten unless I could outrun her (which I often did). Think about it for a minute. The adult that I trusted, my teacher offered no refuge for me except to let me out of school a few minutes early or to keep me after class with the hopes that the other student got tired of waiting and went home. My mother had a different approach altogether. There was no sitting down with the parent of the bully on the block and talking things out. Oh no. My mother talked to me and said “you fight back”. She actually spanked me when I came home crying indicating once again that I hadn’t fought back! Now I know that my mother did the best she could to help me protect myself against the girls who were bullying me. Then, it was a nightmare!

According to MBMBD: http://www.makebeatsnotbeatdowns.org/facts_new.html
90% of 4th through 8th graders report being victims of bullying
Among students, homicide perpetrators were more than twice as likely as homicide victims to have been bullied by peers.

Today, there is a plethora of anti-bullying resources available to parents. One website, Kidpower offers resources to not only parents but youth and teens to protect against bullying, molestation, abduction and other violence. http://www.kidpower.org/
One of the reasons that I like having dinner with family is that you get to ask and talk about your day and your children’s day. It helps if there are siblings who also go to the same school, because often siblings tell what’s going on when the child being harassed won’t.
If your child becomes withdrawn, won’t eat or communicate with you, let him or her spend time with grandma or grandpa or another close family member to see if they will share what’s causing them to withdraw. If a family member is not available, check with your child’s school for the name of the school psychologist or social worker. Bullying is devastating and doesn’t go away on its own.

C. Lynn Williams, #msparentguru
Author and Parenting Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

February 25, 2013 at 12:45 pm Leave a comment

A Mother’s Tough Love

I was talking to a close friend the other day, and she shared one of her recent parenting moments with me. Her daughter is a preteen and is becoming more popular in school; starting to notice boys more each day and getting quite a reputation as a great volleyball player. As my mother would say, “she’s feeling her oats”. My friend has stressed the importance of staying focused in school and getting a great education by completing your homework, participating in class, and asking for help when needed. She told her daughter that if she got a ‘D’, she would have to leave home. Ah.. the things we tell our kids.

Well, last week she picked up her daughter from school, and her daughter was crying. My friend immediately wanted to know why she was crying. Are you hurt? Did someone say something to hurt your feelings? What’s wrong? Her daughter told her she got a D on an assignment and she was worried because she knew she hadn’t given her best on that assignment. My friend told her daughter “Well I’m sorry you got a ‘D’ on your assignment, I guess you will have to pack your bags and find somewhere else to live”. Her daughter immediately started crying harder. “But where will I go? I know I didn’t take my time on this assignment? Do you think if I redid the assignment and turned it in to my teacher, you would allow me to stay?” My friend told her she would think about it.

Needless to say, the assignment was redone and submitted, and my friend ‘allowed’ her daughter to stay. In this day of parenting ambiguity and relaxed rules, I believe the move was a courageous one for my friend. Whether her daughter continues to stay focused in school remains to be seen. I do know a good parenting moment took place that day.

What are your thoughts, and tell me what parenting moments have you used to motivate your children?

C. Lynn Williams
Author and Parenting Coach
#MsParentguru

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

January 27, 2013 at 6:55 pm Leave a comment

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