Posts tagged ‘divorce’

How to Keep Your Daughter from Making ‘Man’ Mistakes

As we drove home after a weekend of our daughter and son in law’s engagement party, I checked in with my Followers on Twitter and ran into a group of people who were lamenting having married people who didn’t appreciate them, dogged them, or left them for others.

Having been a child of divorced parents, and having gone through divorce myself, I remember how devastating divorce was on our family and how it wrecks both parents and kids (for a long time). I began thinking back over my conversations with this daughter to make sure I’ve been honest in our talks about love, relationships, men and marriage. 

Marriage is more than love. I mean yes you want to love the person you marry; you also need to be friends – good friends and be willing to serve each other with as little ego involved as possible. As many chic flick movies as I’ve seen (and enjoyed), at the end of the day I know they’re really fairy tales and as much as I’d like life to end up with my king riding up in a fast sports car to whisk me away, the truth is marriage takes:

  • commitment by both parties
  • acceptance
  • love
  • respect
  • patience & tolerance
  • Sharing
  • friendship
  • faith (in God)

As I think back on our conversations, I’ve shared my good times, the times I was wrong ( and how important it is to admit it to your spouse), and the importance of respect – being respectful and commanding respect with my daughter. Have talks with your daughter(s) so that when they’re ready to marry, they don’t unknowingly make the same mistakes we made.

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C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

August 28, 2016 at 2:30 pm Leave a comment

If you Divorce Mom Does it Mean You Divorce Me Too? #DivorceHurts

I remember when my parents divorced, I was actually happy! I know that sounds strange, but my dad had started drinking more heavily, and I felt Divorce_piecesuncomfortable around him. He was my lovable dad, but I didn’t like being hugged by him when he reeked of alcohol!

I was happy, and yet my family was breaking up. As a teen, I thought I understood (in my little teen mind) what was going on, but I had no idea that mom and dad divorcing would be a terrible thing for all of us, especially my brother. My mom initiated the divorce, the details didn’t really matter. What did matter was that once my dad moved out, our relationship as his children seemed to change forever.

He would tell my mom (or tell me) that he was coming to get us and visit, but often he didn’t. We saw him occasionally which didn’t make much sense to me, but I had already put up a wall of protection around me – so I told myself I didn’t care. I don’t remember how my sister felt, but my brother started acting out. He got in trouble in school; starting hanging around the ‘bad’ boy next door and stealing from the local store. When that happened, my dad came around and beat his behind. My law enforcement uncle came around more often to talk with my brother. He got the attention he craved, at a high emotional cost. As I became an adult, I asked my father why he promised to visit and didn’t. His answer was that he often had no money to give us and it was hard for him to come around us as a broke dad.

Yes, I truly felt that when our parents divorced, we also divorced the parent who left.  This story is for those of you with children who are contemplating divorce; already going through divorce or completely divorced. I get it! Living with someone you no longer get along with for whatever reason is unbearable. I’ve divorced too! I’m sure my children feel the sting that divorce left on them, because they no longer saw their father daily. Please consider an arrangement that allows your ex-spouse to see their kids as often as possible. Get your emotions and hurt feelings out of the way and allow your children to continue to love you and your ex no matter what.    #DivorceHurtsDivorce

 

If you want to read more #divorcehurts, follow My Blog and sign up for my Parenting Newsletter. Want to ask questions or dialogue with me about how tough adult issues affect our families; reach out to me on Twitter @cgwwbook or on my Facebook fan page www.Facebook.com/CGWWBooks.     #DivorceHurts

 

 

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Author & Generational Development Strategist

www.clynnwilliams.com

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
 

P.S. Hey… I have a new book coming out soon about #BlendedFamilies.
Contact me if you want to read a short excerpt…

March 23, 2014 at 4:44 pm 2 comments

Single By Choice?

My daughter attended a wedding this weekend of her former college roommate. When I asked her what she thought of the wedding, she surprised me by saying how interesting it was that the majority of the women, who attended, came unattached. Mind you these are not unattractive, uneducated women or candidates for spinsterhood. These are attractive, well educated, gainfully employed African-American women who for whatever reason chose to attend the wedding alone. My question was WHY? Where were their boyfriends, husbands, significant others?

Just for the record, my daughter is a Gen Yer, or considered part of the Millennial Generation. Known as “Generation Me”[1], characteristics of this generation are: confidence, tolerance and also a sense of entitlement and narcissism. Most in this generation believe that life owes them something wonderful and they don’t mind waiting for it. My generation was a little different. We met, dated and married men that our parents approved of (possibly despite their approval). Very few of the girls in my class chose not to marry.

The irony is that I too have a number of friends and associates who are single by choice. Many were once married and are now divorced or widowed; a handful have chosen to remain single. Those who divorced decided that men were crazy and they were not interested in tying the knot again! The good news is that my contemporaries are no longer having children. However, one problem that I see is that it appears that two generations of African-American women are single and raising children as single moms without the benefit or assistance of a husband or significant partner. You might say, “What’s wrong with that?” My answer is that we are crippling generations of children who don’t know what it means to have a dad and a mom in the same household. That’s a problem because of the difficulty of raising a child singly – exhaustion, financial, and discipline to name a few. Let alone the issues that single moms have raising boys. Add to that, households of children that are born with different fathers and little connectedness to their larger family unit (grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc.) and what we have is a breakdown of the African-American family unit.

I shared these thoughts with my sister (who is divorced by the way) and her perspective was entirely different. She felt that the problem was with African-American men. If men were more responsible, less unfaithful, more interested in raising families and employed, the world would be Perfect! I wonder what men would say about us? How do you feel? Let’s start a dialogue! Feel free to share your thoughts.


[1] Jean Twenge, author of the 20
Image06 book Generation MeImage

 

May 20, 2013 at 7:27 pm 11 comments


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