Posts filed under ‘behavioral adjustment’

Lessons Learned Don’t Have to Be Seen As Mistakes

Last week, I was giving myself a good talking to because I kept finding mistakes with a project I was working on. Once I realized the negative self-talk that was happening in my head, I stopped and talked to myself. Now before you think I’m crazy, think for minute about how you self-correct.

You do self-correct, right?

So, let’s get back to the mistakes… No one likes to make them; however, they are part of what makes us human, and often we learn more from mistakes than we do from anything else.

I reminded myself that I was learning something new (about the topic and myself) and what was important was the lessons that I was learning. There was nothing wrong with making mistakes. What the Universe was also showing me, was that I consider myself a lifelong learner. How can you be a true learner, without making mistakes.

Here’s what I was saying to myself: I was so ready to beat myself up and throw in the towel! What was wrong with me? Why was I making so many mistakes?

I thought about these negative messages and wondered if my peers (that are women) talk the same way to themselves? And, do my peers that are men talk to themselves the way we women do when they make mistakes?

I also had to tell myself that I learned more that day from that series of mistakes than I learned when I do things in what I consider an organized way.

The other question that I thought about on that day, is how many of us, self-correct the negative thoughts we have before we talk to our children and/or the people that work for us?

Lessons learned don’t have to be seen as mistakes…

They are just lessons learned

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C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker

www.clynnwilliams.com

September 26, 2019 at 4:44 pm Leave a comment

Do Your Kids #Misbehave? Here’s What You Can Do…

Sharing a post written by Ray Mathis on misbehavior in kids. I like what he says because he agrees with my 4-Goals-of-Misbehavior-Understanding-Your-Childs-Actionsphilosophy that when you parent and correct the “mis” behavior of your kids, you can’t respond emotionally. When we respond emotionally, we overreact and the message is lost on our children. See a portion of his article below.

Why Kids Do Things That Aren’t Good for Them & What to do About It

Why do kids do things like that?!

I’ve heard exasperated adults ask that question hundreds of times during my forty year career working with young people. I’ve heard kids ask the same question about their parents and I’ve asked the same question about mine. I first learned the answer in a basic psychology class in college: People start and continue to do things because it serves a purpose. Behavior is always goal-orientated.[1] There are three things which can lead to misbehavior in children: mistaken goals, emotions, and beliefs.

Mistaken Goals

It’s probably safe to assume that most people would like to live as long as they can, be healthy, happy, and successful; however, people often have what Rudolph Dreikurs[2] called mistaken goals[3] which takes them off course. They get something out of acting on these mistaken goals; however, their actions make it less likely that they’ll get what they really want in the long run. This definitely applies to children.

Dreikurs suggested that when kids experience feelings of not belonging to their social group, they engage in misbehavior which arises from one of four mistaken goals:

Think about a difficult interaction with your child, a child you’ve cared for, or a student in your classroom.

Did you feel annoyed? Perhaps the child’s goal was getting attention.
Did you feel beaten or intimidated? Perhaps the child’s goal was power and control.
Did you feel hurt? Perhaps the child’s goal was revenge.
Did you feel incapable? Perhaps the child’s goal was helplessness or inadequacy.

Consider that misbehavior in kids may be the tip of the iceberg. There can be things going on beneath the surface of a child’s mind, especially when they do things we don’t like, or that aren’t good for them. Misbehavior can be a symptom of the thoughts and feelings a child may need help with rather than the problem.

Emotions

Emotions can serve as energy to enhance our lives; however, people often generate what I call a dysfunctional amount of emotion – more emotion than is helpful or necessary, more than they want to have, and more than they know what to do with. It works against them instead of for them.[4][5] Anger, anxiety, depression, shame, and guilt can fit these definitions. As an educator, I’ve seen people do many unhealthy, self-defeating, unacceptable, and even self-destructive things when they felt these emotions. I saw my parents do it too. My father did it by smoking and drinking. My mother did it by engaging in emotional eating.[6]

READ THE ARTICLE: http://ourmomspot.net/community/index.php?topic=10666.msg113571#msg113571

If you liked what you read, register @ Our Parenting Spot for more great articles, info and camaraderie with other parents just like you & me. So… how do you handle misbehavior in your children? Reach out to me on Twitter (@cgwwbook) or Facebook (CGWWBooks)

 

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)

July 28, 2014 at 5:17 pm 4 comments

Good Grief Dad…It’s Only Money

I’m on a flight back to Chicago and I overhear the following conversation between a dad and his teenage daughter. She must have asked him for something, and this is how he responded. “… Didn’t I give you $173?” Smile from the daughter (I think she was a teen). “How much did you spend? You spent all of it??? That was $173 that I put on your card!!!” His teen daughter just smiled, although this time the smile looked a little sheepish. “You spent it all at Victoria Secret?” “I can’t believe you spent all of it!”

“You and your sister got your ears pierced? Who gave you permission to get your ears pierced?” This time his younger daughter spoke up and said “Mom told us it was okay with her if it was okay with you.” The father didn’t push the conversation any further, and the next thing I knew he was joking with the non-verbal daughter.

I felt sorry for dear old dad because from that brief conversation it was obvious that his daughters had him wrapped around their fingers; he was divorced from his wife, and they had not established rules on important things like piercings. Am I ancient or what? Reply and let me know if you agree that both Mom and Dad should agree on their kids’ having piercings or tattoos before they occur. Mark it hashtag dadparenting (#dadparenting)

C. Lynn Williams
#MsParentguru
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July 12, 2014 at 8:39 pm Leave a comment

A Mother’s Tough Love

I was talking to a close friend the other day, and she shared one of her recent parenting moments with me. Her daughter is a preteen and is becoming more popular in school; starting to notice boys more each day and getting quite a reputation as a great volleyball player.  As my mother would say, “she’s feeling her oats”. My friend has stressed the importance of staying focused in school and getting a great education by completing your homework, participating in class, and asking for help when needed. She told her daughter that if she got a ‘D’, she would have to leave home. Ah.. the things we tell our kids.

Well, last week she picked up her daughter from school, and her daughter was crying. My friend immediately wanted to know why she was crying. Are you hurt? Did someone say something to hurt your feelings? What’s wrong? Her daughter told her she got a D on an assignment and she was worried because she knew she hadn’t given her best on that assignment. My friend told her daughter “Well I’m sorry you got a ‘D’ on your assignment, I guess you will have to pack your bags and find somewhere else to live”. Her daughter immediately started crying harder. “But where will I go? I know I didn’t take my time on this assignment? Do you think if I redid the assignment and turned it in to my teacher, you would allow me to stay?” My friend told her she would think about it.

Needless to say, the assignment was redone and submitted, and my friend ‘allowed’ her daughter to stay. In this day of parenting ambiguity and relaxed rules, I believe the move was a courageous one for my friend. Whether her daughter continues to stay focused in school remains to be seen. I do know a good parenting moment took place that day.

What are your thoughts, and tell me what parenting moments have you used to motivate your children?

C. Lynn Williams
Author and Parenting Coach
#MsParentguru

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

January 27, 2013 at 6:55 pm Leave a comment

Plain Talk About Spanking

As a parent, I believe in a good mix of love and discipline. I ran across a website/article that disagrees with the values of corporal punishment and gives reasons why. Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education (PTAVE) supports this article as well.

Let me know what you think.

http://www.nospank.net/pt2011.htm?goback=%2Egde_135134_member_115738148

May 29, 2012 at 4:03 pm Leave a comment

Why Spanking Doesn’t Work – According to a new analysis

Okay I admit it, I grew up in a household where I was spanked! There I said it! I know there are many of you who are strong believers of corporal punishment, as well as those who believe there is another way to parent. To thine own self be true.. I truly believe in moderation, a well placed tap on the rear is sufficient to modify our children’s behavior when necessary. Click on the link and read the article. Let me know your thoughts. I’ll be waiting!

http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/06/why-spanking-doesnt-work/?iid=op-article-mostpop2

February 6, 2012 at 11:51 pm Leave a comment


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