Posts filed under ‘emotions’

Relinquishing Control Releases Stress

It’s the wee hours of the morning, as I lay here trying to go back to sleep, a car sits outside beeping it’s horn for whomever is supposed to come out. I want to yell at that person to stop 🛑 waking up everyone while he tries to get his passenger. 🤬

The question at the moment is, can I do anything about the beeping horn? Am I going to lose more sleep 😴 or can I refocus on something else?

2021 taught me three things:

• There are things I can’t change like: when COVID ends, how to make an adult act differently, etc.

• Remember who I am and be true to myself

• Focus on what is working instead of what isn’t

The common denominator here was that I focused a lot on controlling events, relationships and my feelings. When I chose to live through each experience, I discovered the best parts of it and moved on, I was happier.

I learned in 2021 that when it comes to peace of mind, control is overrated‼️

Are you thinking about those Aha” moments you experienced?

Or maybe like me, you’ve had enough experiences occur that have left you worn out‼️ As my friends at Unity School of Christianity say – “Give life the light touch

How are you ending 2021? 🤔💬

Wishing you and your family lots of love and a happy and prosperous new year. 😘 🌚🎉🧧

Thanks for reading my blog, and following me on Instagram, Twitter & TikTok @MsParentguru.

C. Lynn Williams

clynnwilliams.com

December 30, 2021 at 8:33 pm 1 comment

How the Sins of Our Mothers Scar Us

My sister and I always felt that our mom favored our brother Tony. Her heart seemed to be softer on his behalf. Don’t get me wrong, Tony got into trouble and was punished too, but not as much once my parents split up. What I now know, is that Mom was compensating for my dad being absent in his life. She did the best she knew how.

Since I was in college during my sister and brother’s high years; years AD (after divorce), I didn’t see much preferential treatment bestowed on Tony.

Mom could do a lot of things really well! When it came to organization and getting things done, my mom was AWESOME! I learned how to speak up for and take care of myself because of my mother. Showing emotions, wasn’t her strength. She was unable to teach me how to love and nurture myself or anyone else. So in high school and college, I was pretty detached in my relationships. I kept to myself and only opened up to my closest friends.

Once I became a mom and started seeking my mother’s advice, I asked her why she seldom said she loved us or hugged. Her words were “My mom didn’t treat us that way.”

Here’s the deal: families live and die emotionally through experiences with the moms in their lives. If your mom did not receive praise and lots of ‘I love yous’ ❤️ as a child, then they either feel that it was unwarranted (when they raise children) or they are emotionally unable to share those kinds of feelings.

It is definitely possible that mothers will give lots of love and praise when they have their own children even if they didn’t receive it as a child. I have many friends who are wonderful moms, and when asked about their childhood, they say they didn’t get along with their mom. When pressed to explain further, they say they wanted a different experience for their own children. ❤️

When mothers are harsh and don’t exhibit warmth and love to their son or daughter, that child grows up similar to a sociopath who acts without feelings or conscious.

How do we change that behavior?

One child at a time…

Yes I know you are busy working and raising a family…

Yes, I know you never had a relationship with your mom or dad and don’t know how to talk (civilly) or show love…

Yes, it’s hard…

But not impossible…

Start by taking baby steps.

  • “Good morning, I love you.”
  • “Good night I love you.”
  • “Have a good day at school.” (Hug your son or daughter)
  • “You mean everything to me.”

These statements go a long way toward building a better relationship.

That’s nice. ❤️

Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons, Fathers and Daughters or Fathers and their Sons.

Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker

www.clynnwilliams.com

March 28, 2019 at 5:33 pm Leave a comment

Why Dads Have to Add Their Two Cents

When I think back to my childhood, I don’t remember my father voicing his opinions often. So when he did, it was crystal clear and quite memorable. As I got older, I realized how important his opinions were in relationship to my career decisions and the men that I dated or married. One thing about many dads is that they are quiet when it comes to the day-to-day workings of household activities and child-rearing. It may not be that way in your household, and many of the millennial fathers are very present in their opinions and in the raising of their children. I prefer that style of parenting because the energy that fathers offer is very different from the energy of mothers. Dads don’t freak out as easily as we moms do. This is quite helpful for your emotional child (tween or teen) who has daily fits of hysteria. 

The other things about fathers is that they use less words to get their point across. Less words gives your brain a chance to hear and process what was said. They also don’t repeat what they’ve said, so you have to listen and get it the first time (most dads anyway). I like that technique and share it in my Pampered Prince book to help mothers who are raising sons, communicate more effectively.

Yesterday I saw an article about a group of dads – Dads4Justice, who were pretty pissed off with how Kellogg’s was marketing their Coco Pops cereal. They considered the slogan sexist and protested to Kellogg’s. The slogan has since been changed. Click here to read the entire article. 

If you haven’t spoken to your dad in a while, give him a call. You may be surprised at what he might tell you.

Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact meMs. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons, Fathers and Daughters or Fathers and their Sons.

Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker

www.clynnwilliams.com

September 6, 2018 at 12:56 pm Leave a comment

Discipline Disparity Between Black Boys & Everybody Else’s Son

When we African American mothers complain that the system is against our son(s), we are told that we are paranoid. Probably not.

Of course it doesn’t help when our sons are consistently targeted /stopped / jailed / shot by law enforcement officers.

When my son was three, I took him to a neighborhood in-home day care. The day care provider had three kids; two who were too young to attend school. One day when I picked up my son, she told me that he bit her youngest son. While I wasn’t surprised; he was going through a biting stage; her next words surprised me. “You better get him some help or else he’s going to be a a danger to society (not verbatim).” 

While I didn’t disregard his biting behavior, I also knew we had recently relocated the family and he was moved from a home he had known and loved since birth to one that was unfamiliar to him. I also knew other sons who bit, spit and punched each other and their moms simply said “Boys will be boys“. 

Understand that I am not saying our sons can do no wrong. If they are wrong, it is our responsibility to correct their behavior. Continual targeting is not the way. If you are a single mother without a positive male role model in your son’s life, then it will be hard not to take to heart what school (or daycare) officials say. Don’t believe the hype.

It’s really important to the socio-emotional health of our sons for us to protect them when it appears that they are constantly punished, suspended or jailed for acts that are considered quite normal for sons of other races and ethnicities.

Please read the Washington Post article by Tunette Powell and let me know your thoughts on this topic. Click here to read.

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Founder & Creator of Finding Superwoman

clynnwilliams.com

August 1, 2016 at 2:40 pm Leave a comment

Blended Families – Tips on How to Be a Team

Group of different families together of all races

Group of different families together of all races

Blended families have such a unique dynamic about them. You get this couple that came together with one or both having children from a previous relationship. The couple falls in love and dreams of their children loving each other.
But here you have these children who came from two different broken homes coming together having all of these new siblings. How do you make that work? How do you become a team and turn these strangers into a family that loves, or at least respects one another? It’s not always easy, but here are some tips on how you can make your blended family a team.

1. Everyone in the family must have value. If anyone feels that they are expendable, then you will not build an effective team. This person is not going to be interested in being a part of the new family.

2. There should be no judging of opinions. Different opinions don’t mean wrong opinions, it just means different. If you understand this, then it will be easier to build your team. Even better still, making sure others don’t judge by making it a no-judge zone will go a long way.

3. Differences are an opportunity to grow. These different opinions need to be embraced and used as a chance to grow and change the family unit. So you need to be willing to listen and to try to make things work for the betterment of the family unit.

4. No irrational thinking. Parents must always have reasonable thoughts to propel the family forward. Don’t make unnecessary expectations on members of the family, like expecting everyone to instantly love one another. Work on getting them to tolerate each other first.

5. Everyone needs to be involved in the resolution process. When planning the family vacation, everyone in the family should be involved in that process – no matter how much conflict may arise from it. This is a great chance to remind everyone that we don’t judge each others thoughts and everyone is valuable.

6. Cooperation is essential. Don’t make it a dictatorship. Lead by example – it’s NOT my way or the highway. The moment you stop cooperating is the moment you lose all control.

7. Be willing to deal with uncomfortable circumstances in order to reach the end goal of a nicely blended family. It will be worth it all in the end.

8. Be trustworthy. Parents must create a space of trust. The children are going to be skeptical of everything at first. You’ll need to show them you can be trusted, and that you are willing and able to trust your children as well.

9. Do not manipulate. Persuasion always works better than manipulation.

10. Group consensus is important. Your family is not good by just listening to one person. Everyone must have a say and come to an agreement or compromise on matters.

If you follow these steps to team building, then you shouldn’t have a problem creating a happy blended family. We might not be talking Brady Bunch, but something that at least functions and works is the goal here. It is very possible if you remember these ten steps.

Interested in learning more about your blended family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author, Coach & Family Dynamics Specialist
http://www.clynnwilliams.com

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
NEW – Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)

December 9, 2015 at 7:41 pm Leave a comment

How Does A Teen Adjust To Parent’s Gender Transition?

Having my parents separate and divorce when I was 16 is a trauma I won’t forget! I felt vulnerable, no longer protected from society and isolated from my peers (whose becoming usparents were still married). This major life event caused cycles of things to occur: reduced family income – my mom had the three of us to raise on her income and male misidentification – my brother began his cycle of getting into trouble as a way of dealing with losing his role model – my father. Having been a victim of divorced parents and the trauma that it brings to the entire family, my heart goes out to those children who have to adjust to the pain of separations.

I’ve been seeing a commercial for the upcoming ABC Family series – “BECOMING US’ – A TEEN ADJUSTING TO PARENT’S GENDER TRANSITION. Knowing the shame and discomfort I felt having divorced parents, I can only imagine the pain, shame and trauma that this young male teenager is facing, as he watches his dad change into a ‘woman’. It is one thing to live that experience, but how do you live it under the microscope called TV?

You say it’s okay to tell everything – that’s the type of society that we live in now. I completely disagree! As parents, our role is to protect our children. It doesn’t mean that we won’t experience life changes; however, some topics are not for primetime TV.

PARENTS: What do you think? Please send me your comments. #parentgender

Interested in learning more about co-parenting? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for raising Tweens, Teens and Adult children, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Author & Generational Development Strategist

www.clynnwilliams.com

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)

June 2, 2015 at 12:33 pm 2 comments

How to be a Committed 2015 Parent

As 2014 draws to a close, thank you for supporting me and reading my Staying Sane blog. 2014 was a tough year for parents. The news constantly reported assaults (or murders) on our kids whether from strangers, peers or adults. It’s enough to make you want to move to an uninhabited island until your child becomes an adult. However, we know that’s not going to happen! The best we can do is enjoy the time we have with our young people, and be awesome role models. As a parent, my goal in 2015 is to be a better listener and example setter. What are your parent goals for 2015?

Love between dads & daughters

Love between dads & daughters

It’s easy to be the type of parent that says “Do What I Say” instead of being the type of role model that you want your son or daughter to follow. God holds us accountable to be the best parents we can be. Fatherless or motherless kids are forced to raise themselves and we have seen the devastation that a kid trying to raise himself/herself brings.

Are you committed to being the best parent you can possibly be? Our kids spell L-O-V-E with T-I-M-E. Make 2015 special with the time, love and commitment that you share with your son or daughter. Dads talk to that pre-teen daughter about a pledge to wait before having sex. Moms help your son become the best man he can become by holding him accountable to complete tasks and responsibilities when you assign them.

Is parenting easy? Not at all, however you can do this. And I can help! Become a part of my new parent membership program called Parent Sense. Click here to give me your contact information so that I can notify you with more details.

Happy New Parenting Year!

C. Lynn Williams, Ms. Parent Guru

January 2, 2015 at 9:43 pm 3 comments

Do Your Kids #Misbehave? Here’s What You Can Do…

Sharing a post written by Ray Mathis on misbehavior in kids. I like what he says because he agrees with my 4-Goals-of-Misbehavior-Understanding-Your-Childs-Actionsphilosophy that when you parent and correct the “mis” behavior of your kids, you can’t respond emotionally. When we respond emotionally, we overreact and the message is lost on our children. See a portion of his article below.

Why Kids Do Things That Aren’t Good for Them & What to do About It

Why do kids do things like that?!

I’ve heard exasperated adults ask that question hundreds of times during my forty year career working with young people. I’ve heard kids ask the same question about their parents and I’ve asked the same question about mine. I first learned the answer in a basic psychology class in college: People start and continue to do things because it serves a purpose. Behavior is always goal-orientated.[1] There are three things which can lead to misbehavior in children: mistaken goals, emotions, and beliefs.

Mistaken Goals

It’s probably safe to assume that most people would like to live as long as they can, be healthy, happy, and successful; however, people often have what Rudolph Dreikurs[2] called mistaken goals[3] which takes them off course. They get something out of acting on these mistaken goals; however, their actions make it less likely that they’ll get what they really want in the long run. This definitely applies to children.

Dreikurs suggested that when kids experience feelings of not belonging to their social group, they engage in misbehavior which arises from one of four mistaken goals:

Think about a difficult interaction with your child, a child you’ve cared for, or a student in your classroom.

Did you feel annoyed? Perhaps the child’s goal was getting attention.
Did you feel beaten or intimidated? Perhaps the child’s goal was power and control.
Did you feel hurt? Perhaps the child’s goal was revenge.
Did you feel incapable? Perhaps the child’s goal was helplessness or inadequacy.

Consider that misbehavior in kids may be the tip of the iceberg. There can be things going on beneath the surface of a child’s mind, especially when they do things we don’t like, or that aren’t good for them. Misbehavior can be a symptom of the thoughts and feelings a child may need help with rather than the problem.

Emotions

Emotions can serve as energy to enhance our lives; however, people often generate what I call a dysfunctional amount of emotion – more emotion than is helpful or necessary, more than they want to have, and more than they know what to do with. It works against them instead of for them.[4][5] Anger, anxiety, depression, shame, and guilt can fit these definitions. As an educator, I’ve seen people do many unhealthy, self-defeating, unacceptable, and even self-destructive things when they felt these emotions. I saw my parents do it too. My father did it by smoking and drinking. My mother did it by engaging in emotional eating.[6]

READ THE ARTICLE: http://ourmomspot.net/community/index.php?topic=10666.msg113571#msg113571

If you liked what you read, register @ Our Parenting Spot for more great articles, info and camaraderie with other parents just like you & me. So… how do you handle misbehavior in your children? Reach out to me on Twitter (@cgwwbook) or Facebook (CGWWBooks)

 

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)

July 28, 2014 at 5:17 pm 4 comments


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