Posts filed under ‘Parenting’
Patiently Waiting for Dad
As I travel back to my hometown, I think about my annual weekend visit spent with my dad. We talk weekly, but seeing Dad face to face is another story altogether. Over the phone he sounds pretty normal; a little more cantankerous the older he gets, but still my wonderful dad. Up close, I get to see how time has started to slow his walk considerably and determines how many household chores he is able to accomplish at any one time. Seeing him, I understand that it really is difficult to cook dinner and talk to me on the phone at the same time, because he has to focus.
Although he is prescription and disease free, his short-term memory comes and goes, which is really scary. During our weekend together, I didn’t understand his need to stay in the house and decided he was just being a stick-in-the mud. 
I remembered that “he’s eighty-one years old, and while he looks to be in his early seventies, his body (and mind) probably feel his actual age. Did I mention that he doesn’t have the modern conveniences I think all households have – cable TV and Internet access? So once I got it into my technology driven mind that Dad lived in the horse & buggy era, I collected my thoughts, reminded myself how glad I was to have a dad that loved me and who was alive, and I challenged him to a game of Scrabble. Parenting 101: enjoy your family with the tools that are readily available! Guess What? His mind was alert enough to beat me by nine points! Ahhh.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
Slavery in 2013
As a young girl, I was always glad that I wasn’t born a slave. In school I read about indentured servant, but knew that type of enslavement occurred only until that person could work off his or her debt. Slave trading of African people and those of African descent in the United States (and other countries as well) was a different story altogether, and created an indelible imprint of no class citizenship among African American people.
Growing up, I often thought I was a slave to my mom and dad since they told us what to do and we did it – most of the time without question. However the idea that I could be taken from my family, identity changed, beaten, told what to think/believe and forced to do whatever my “slave owners” wanted done was absolutely terrible@! After watching the miniseries, Roots by Alex Haley, and the pain of watching my ancestors sold away from their families, forced to work for no pay, brutally beaten, forced to have sex, (the list of atrocities goes on..) I knew I would never need to relive that part of my heritage. Until now..
Last weekend I saw 12 Years a Slave. I didn’t really want to see it. I mean it was going to be another movie about how slaves were mistreated “in the South”, and frankly I had had enough. However, the perspective of this movie was told from the viewpoint of a freed black man who was kidnapped and sold into slavery. Watching the atrocities against the enslaved people still made me sick to my stomach. The fact that people actually justified enslaving African people as being “the right thing to do” still made no sense to me. However, what I liked about 12 Years a Slave was the tenacity that Solomon Northrup possessed (and how remembering who he was, continued to give him hope until he was rescued).
Unfortunately, slavery did not end with the Emancipation Proclamation. No, modern day slavery is still occurring today in 2013. Today it’s called human trafficking. Human trafficking is the trade of people, usually young girls for sexual slavery, forced labor or extraction of organs or tissues. It’s a $32 billion (per year) industry and women are kidnapped from their families and “trafficked” throughout the world.
Interested in stopping human trafficking? Get involved! Google the topic, human trafficking to find advocacy organizations in your area where you can volunteer your time or make donations. One local organization that I have partnered with is the Chicago Dream Center (http://www.chicagodreamcenter.org/ministries/human-trafficking/). The Chicago Dream Center is actively involved in advocacy work and recovery for victims of trafficking. #GetInvolved!
…
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Speaker
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
When Is Close Too Close?
Is there ever a time when is a Parent – Child relationship too close?
What does that mean? If you spend time with your son or daughter or talk on the phone daily, is that too close? Does your close relationship interfere with your ability to parent that child? If the lines are blurred, meaning you such good friends, that you can’t give well-deserved consequences for misbehaving, then YES, you are probably too close.
I believe that teenagers and parents can’t be friends because when you need to discipline them or expect them to follow your rules, because they won’t understand how you’ve switched from friend to parent and may not obey you. On the other hand, if you are an aloof parent – the kind that just administers rules and won’t allow a close relationship to develop between you and your tween or teen, how do they learn that important skill of allowing others to be close to them?
However, what happens when your child becomes an adult and a real friendship develops? How much sharing is too much? Can you go out together and drink socially? Can you share the disappointments that you are experiencing in your own life? How do you maintain those relationships in a friendly way and yet not get hurt, the way adults do when one ‘friend’ feels differently or doesn’t respond in a way that you expect? We recently had a social event, and one of my friends, (she’s 40ish), told me that she asked her mother not to attend, so she could comfortably go and ‘have fun’. I had a completely different experience with my mother. Once I went away to school, we became friends and it was not uncommon to come home during break and be part of one my Mom’s famous parties. We’d have a blast!
So share your experiences with your mother. Email me at: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
Hope you will follow some of my new #blogger friends:
Phil Rowlands Blog: Kindle Authors http://bit.ly/1ix9A3T (password: childsplay)
Christie Edwards Blog: Living Simplistically http://bit.ly/HwlFui
…
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Order My Books on Amazon.com:
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
Expectations
Since Halloween is right around the corner, many of the movies being shown (the other night) were scary. I didn’t want to watch a scary movie so being the person that loves a happy ending; I watched a tearjerker and then switched to a lighthearted comedy.
I turned on The Object of My Affection starring Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd. She was a social worker (counseling young teen girls about practicing safe sex) who while dating and got pregnant. He didn’t want kids so he broke up with her. Her best friend (Paul) a gay man who told her he would stay by her side throughout her pregnancy. What was interesting was that even though she knew that her best friend was gay she fell in love with him anyway like women who are pregnant, tend to do.
Right now you’re probably wondering why I believe that most women who become pregnant fall in love with the man that they are close to? It has happened to a number of my friends and women who have shared that information with me in one of my many “girlfriend chats”. You could say that it’s in the maternity pills, or the increase in estrogen that our bodies start mass producing. In any case, hopefully that guy that you’re having a child with, is someone that you plan to spend the rest of your life with and the life of your child, because you are going to rely on him for money, moral support, to rub your feet when they’re tired and your back when it starts to ache and you will naturally start to feel closer and closer to him.
Relying on your ‘guy’ while you’re pregnant, didn’t bother me as much as the comments that women like Jennifer Aniston (in the movie) have when their significant other tells them they don’t want to have children and that it’s a deal breaker for their relationship. THESE ARE THE WORDS: “That’s okay I’ll raise the baby on my own, I don’t need him.” Liar! Raising a child on your own is really difficult and to tell yourself that it isn’t, that you can do it alone is simply not true. Here’s my suggestion. Wait until marriage to have sex or use more reliable birth control. It’s hard enough raising children in a two parent household without having to raise your child without his father.
By the way, Jennifer was pissed when her best friend brought a guy home for the night, but what she stopped realizing was that her best friend was there for her, just not romantically into her. Dang it! It wasn’t the happy ending I’d hoped for, but it was pretty realistic! Kind of like real life!
…
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Order My Books on Amazon.com:
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES (220 Communications, 2013)
Staying Sane While Parenting Teens
Radio Show with Lon Woodbury (September 30, 2013)
With the lack of communication between parents and their teens in homes today, today’s guest on Parent Choices for Struggling Teens, C. Lynn Williams shared some “time tested tips” and strategies for parents to “stay sane” while raising their tweens and teens with host Lon Woodbury. In order for parents to stay sane, to keep their cool and not lose their temper, the first thing parents need to do is take care of themselves! With the life changes parents are also going through, it is important to take care of yourself, get out and get some exercise and get more sleep (rather than getting by on less.) In addition, having healthy meals together as a family is a must. There are great discussions and conversations that can come up, plus you get a visual on how your teen is doing- both physically and emotionally.
Some general tips that C Lynn recommends include: consistency. Especially on this brink of adulthood, parents need to have a wall of structure and consistent follow through. “No idle threats…if you say it, then you mean it” shared Lon. Another tip: you have to remain and remember that you are the parent. You are not their friend and as a parent there are standards you have to uphold. Lastly, you need to build individual relationships with each child. Spend time exclusively with each child and get to know them because each one is different. When they need to talk, they can then come to you to talk, from building the relationship and trust together. “Find out what their ‘love language’ is, ways your child receives and accepts love, whether it is attention, gifts or words of affirmation. Yet be appropriate in praising your teen, don’t praise them unless they have truly earned it…be honest with your teen.
For those with tweens, remember they are at the age where their hormones are in full force. “They still want to please you and then the next second, they don’t like you.” During this puberty stage there are lots of influences in your child’s life. The girls want to belong and the boys are centered on sports. This is a good time to get your child involved in extracurricular activities. They need to be kept busy and they need to be in a structured setting. And the good thing that comes out of this is the friendships they make, they want to please their coach, they are not sitting on the couch becoming a couch potato and they get a chance to explore their different interests.
When it comes to a parent needing to seek help for their out of control teen, “you should do so when you notice a drastic change in their behavior, their temperament, if they are quite and morose, depressed or you notice weight gain or weight loss” says C Lynn. And the first step to take is to contact the school and make an appointment with the school psychologist. “Just talk to your kid and if they won’t talk, seek help.”
“Parents need support, like in the old days; everyone on the block would look out for each other’s kids. We need to get back to that again. Involve the teachers, involve the neighbors, give them your phone number and have them call you if they see something not right with your child.
To listen to the full interview, go to Staying Sane While Parenting Teens on LATalkRadio
Contact:
Lon Woodbury, MA, CEP, IECA
208-267-5550
lonwoodbury@gmail.com
http://www.strugglingteens.com
Featuring:
C. Lynn Williams
Parenting Coach, Author, Speaker
224-357-6315
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
www.clynnwilliams.com
How You Can Protect Your Daughter Against Teen Dating Violence?
Teen dating violence touches families from all walks of life, cultures, educational and socioeconomic backgrounds. It is a method of one partner controlling the behavior of another partner. Alright, now let’s talk about our daughters. It is important to meet the young man that our daughters are going out with because if we haven’t met him, how do we know whether or not he is good for our daughter or not?
Teen girls are hormonal & impressionable. They fall in and out of like/love with many people. And often times are easily impressed by what we consider bad boys. Bad boys can be young men who break rules, who are defiant, who are slightly dangerous or whatever other characteristics that come to mind. Many times our daughters may be attracted to that silent brooding type who later turns out to be very controlling.
And what often happens is that the young man appeals to the parents. Maybe he’s quiet but he’s polite and he says all the right things around the parent, but behind the scenes he is telling your daughter what to do, where to go, and who she should hang out with. Maybe he’s the type that calls her cell phone constantly and when she doesn’t answer, he harasses her.
Unbeknownst to you maybe he’s snatched her arm a few times or pushed her; small things that she doesn’t want to share with you because you would tell her to stop dating him. Maybe it’s progressed to the fact that he’s hit her once, but not anything that’s noticeable. What should she do and how do you find out what’s happening?
Start the dialogue now! If your daughter isn’t dating anyone start talking about scenarios where something like this could happen and what she should do, because I promise you talking sooner than later is always a good thing. she’ll probably tell you “don’t worry mom that’s not going to happen to me”.
November is domestic violence month not only for women but girls too. If you think that your daughter is being abused by her boyfriend or husband, help her seek help. There are a number of places that you can call. Here is one agency:
…
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Preorder my upcoming book: Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! – https://raisingyourdaughterpresale.eventbrite.com/
Hey Your Pants are Sagging…
I get it that each generation has a unique “something” that characterizes who they are. I was part of the 60’s gen and we wore large Afros, headbands, and platform shoes. I still remember my grandmother asking if I was going to get my hair “pressed” for graduation. She just didn’t understand us.
Well I have a major problem with our latest generation’s wearing of pants. Why do the pants have to sag so that I see your underwear? I don’t want to see your underwear! What’s so weird is how can you walk with you pants halfway down your butt? I mean I’ve seen you walk, so I know it’s possible, but it looks so crazy. My real problem is that our young males believe the rappers started this trend and they want to show society that they can do their own thing. However, according to Greg Mathis (Judge Mathis) sagging was adopted from the United States prison system where belts are sometimes prohibited [1] to prevent prisoners from using them as weapons or committing suicide by hanging themselves.
So, young men: knowing the origins of the SAGGING PANTS – do you still want to sag? Just saying…
…
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Preorder my upcoming book: Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES – https://raisingyourdaughterpresale.eventbrite.com/
[1] Christian, Margena A. (May 7, 2007). “The facts behind the saggin’ pants craze”. Jet
When Suicide is NOT the Answer
I had a friend in high school who told me he was going to ‘kill himself’. I was beside myself with worry, told my parents and my dad said – “If he was going to kill himself, he wouldn’t tell you first.” Of course the guy did not kill himself, but my brother did… Parents should never have to bury their children but they certainly shouldn’t have to bury them because they’ve committed suicide. Suicide is such a desperate call for help and in my opinion indicates that there were no other options. The problem for most parents is how is it that our child, teen or post-teen adult lives and interacts with us every day and we have no idea that they are contemplating suicide? Mental disorder, such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism, or drug abuse is often the cause of suicide.[1] Additional stress factors such as difficult interpersonal relationships, long-term sickness or financial worries can also contribute to feelings that “life is no longer worth living”.
According to HelpGuide.org, most suicidal people give signals of their intentions. Below are some warning signs that we can look for to recognize and hopefully prevent suicides with our family, friends and students:
|
Suicide Warning Signs |
|
| Talking about suicide | Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as “I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…” and “I’d be better off dead.” |
| Seeking out lethal means | Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt. |
| Preoccupation with death | Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death. |
| No hope for the future | Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change. |
| Self-loathing, self-hatred | Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”). |
| Getting affairs in order | Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members. |
| Saying goodbye | Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again. |
| Withdrawing from others | Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone. |
| Self-destructive behavior | Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish.” |
| Sudden sense of calm | A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to commit suicide. [2] |
As a parent, we don’t understand it when a young person takes his/her life because of hopelessness or frustration. We often wonder where we went wrong. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide is the third-leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-olds, after accidents and homicide. It’s also thought that at least 25 attempts are made for every completed teen suicide. If you are concerned, here are some prevention tips that you may use:
- Speak to that person if you are worried
- Respond quickly in a crisis. Determine if the risk is low, moderate or high
- Offer professional help & support
Suicide Hotlines and Crisis Support
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Suicide prevention telephone hotline funded by the U.S. government. Provides free, 24-hour assistance. 1-800-273-TALK (8255). (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)
National Hopeline Network – Toll-free telephone number offering 24-hour suicide crisis support. 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). (National Hopeline Network)
—
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! Available in September, 2013 (220 Communications)
Who’s Bag of Chips are Those?
Salt & sugar are just evil! The older I get, the more I realize my eating is tied to my emotions. It’s completely crazy. I am a healthy eater, work out regularly and yet realize
how challenging it is to eat ONLY what is good for you. Here’s an example: diabetes runs in my family, hypertension too. I know this and changed my diet many years ago to eliminate meat and carbs like bread and potatoes. For years, I watched what I ate, and all was good. But as I have gotten older, my taste buds take over! I love French fries! See that’s what I mean. I can be minding my own business and a commercial with pizza or French fries comes on, and now I’m thinking about where I can go to get some, because there is nothing like that in my house! Yesterday, I worked out, ate fruit, salad for lunch, veggies & fish for dinner. On the way home from a meeting, my car drove itself to the local grocery store, so my wallet could buy a bag of potato chips. Yum! No! Yum!
Okay so today, the chips go in the garbage and I’ll start over. No TV commercials are going to make me purchase that delicious chocolate from Portillos. Once on the lips, forever on the lips. WHATEVER!
…
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Speaker
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
My Books: Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (soon to be released – 220 Communications)
It Doesn’t Matter if You’re Black or White
Let’s take an honest look at an ugly topic – RACE. There I said it! Not just race itself, but what happens when we allow race to permeate our thoughts, feelings and our perceptions. Think about your son or, or if you’re younger and sans kids – your brother. Did it ever occur to you that your child (brother) is held responsible or labeled because of his race? Let me give you an example. When you are walking down the street and you see a black boy walking in your direction, do you a) Cross the street; b) Clutch your purse tightly or c) Continue walking without fear? Or, what would be your first thought if you heard that an altercation occurred between your child and another student? Would you assume it was the other child’s fault? How about if the other child was a black child? What would be your assumptions?
When my son was three years old, his daycare provider (a friendly, white woman) took care of him and several other kids, including her own. We lived in the same neighborhood and our older children attended school together. She was fanatical about cleanliness and that was okay because who wants their child in a pig sty. She loved her family and believed in God. Important points for me! We were off to a great relationship! At least that was what I thought. One day I after work, I picked up my son and she told me that he bit her son. What? Biting was not new to me because my son bit another child at the previous daycare provider. I was very concerned because biting is aggressive act and I needed to know what was going on in my young son’s mind that made him think biting was acceptable. My husband and I would address those concerns with him once we got home. What I wasn’t prepared for were the next words out of my daycare provider’s mouth. She said that he was an aggressive kid and that he would probably grow up and kill someone someday! WHAT?!? At the previous daycare provider, her toddler son (white) started the biting phenomenon and bit our son. I’m not sure if he was punished, but one thing I know, his mother did not decide that he was aggressive and would grow up and one day kill someone. As a matter of fact, she apologized for his behavior, kind of laughed and said “boys will be boys”. Two different kids, same behavior was judged differently. The only difference is that one kid was black (African American) and one was white. 
More recently I was talking about parenting to a business partner of mine who has three sons. Her sons go to predominantly white schools and the youngest tends to show his feelings (good or bad) though facial expressions. He has not learned the art of masking those feelings yet. In any case, her son’s teacher told him to stop doing something and he continued to do it. She told him a second time and he made a face and said okay. She wrote him up and called his mother. Okay! When my business partner asked her son why he didn’t stop when he was instructed, he told her he wasn’t ready to stop. He also told her that Johnnie (white) did the same thing but he was not told to stop. Now you can spin that anyway you like. Should both sons be admonished equally? Of course, but what is happening in many classrooms is that behavior is viewed differently and punishments, suspensions, and expulsions are more severe for children particularly boys of color. WHY IS THAT? And WHAT can we do about it?
Race may not be an issue in countries where people physically look the same. In those instances you are most likely judged by socio-economic standards like who your parents are and whether you have money or don’t. In this country, the United States, race is an out of control issue that is based in fear and needs to be addressed personally as well as societally. In Michael Jackson’s song – Black or White, I have to say – it does matter if you’re black or white. You ARE judged by the color of your skin and not necessarily the content of your character. Isn’t that a shame…
…
C. Lynn Williams
Author & Speaker
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
Blogpost Comments