Posts filed under ‘sons’
#You’re Still My Little Boy
Have you ever felt guilty for saying ‘NO’ to your son when he’s asked for something that he did not need or you couldn’t afford?
I remember the story my husband tells where his ex-wife bought a car for their (teenage) son against his wishes. Son crashed the car by the third week of owning it. What do you say? Mothers say “I’m glad he’s unharmed. What a blessing.” Fathers say “That boy didn’t need a car. He’s too young for the responsibility and he won’t take care of it.” Fathers remember when they were teen boys and are speaking from their experience. Mothers just want their sons to be happy. Who’s right? Does it matter? Yes it matters a lot because there are quite a few boys today who are being shown a lifestyle (by their mothers) that they haven’t earned and it sets them up for failure as men. It teaches them to rely on women instead of themselves.
I know I made mistakes when raising my son. The way I know this is because he’s emotionally crippled today. Had I had the courage to ignore his wants and stick to the adage that I grew up with – “Go to school or Go to work”, maybe he would be well on his way with college and graduate school behind him. Instead I felt guilty and believed that I needed to be more accommodating because of my divorce from his father. I also felt that he might take the easy way out and take drastic measures like my brother did.
If you want to understand more of what makes your son tick, invest in a copy of my book, ‘The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son’. http://amzn.to/1l6PUcv If you would like to ask questions or dialogue with me about how tough adult issues affect our sons, reach out to me on Twitter @cgwwbook or on my Facebook fan page www.Facebook.com/CGWWBooks. Use hashtag #You’reStillMyLittleBoy
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
MOTHERS Be Nice…
Competing for your son’s attention? Stop! Find someone your own age to rely on and release him from your servitude! You have had your son all of his life, and it is time for him to spread his wings and fly away from your nest. He’s 18 now. You’ve taught him how to take care of himself (cook & clean his clothes and the house), as well as select, treat and respect nice women right? So be NICE to his girlfriend when he brings her to your house. Don’t try to find some reason NOT to like her. His choice of girlfriend may not be who you would have chosen for him. It’s OKAY! Will she be everything that you want for him? Maybe not…then again her parents may feel the same way about him. I am not telling you to keep quiet if you believe your son is dating a ‘black widow’ or something!
Speaking from experience as both a mother of sons, and a woman being brought home to meet “his parents” for the first time, mothers are some rough people to get to know. If your son’s girlfriend uses slang, she’s too common. If she uses an extensive vocabulary, you decide that she thinks she’s better than ‘us’. OMG! He will always be your Pampered Prince – your boy. The true conversation occurs if he asks your opinion of her. If not, don’t offer it.
It’s said that our sons choose women like us. If you (and his dad) have raised him properly, he will make a great husband and father. You really do want someone to love him and take him off your hands…living with you into his forties is not the plan is it?
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
Just Let Go
Eagle and her babies
Ever had a problem that you could not resolve? Sometimes that’s what parenting is to me, a series of problems (challenges) that seem momentarily unresolvable. The kid that was never a problem growing up, is suddenly a thorn in your side when they move into their 20s. You think, by the time they reach their twenties, you have completed your job as a parent. However, many of our adult children come back home and then what? Or maybe you had high hopes for that child that you waited years for, and once they came into your life, they never have the aspirations to stand on their own and make a living. In fact they are still ‘living’ with you. What do you do?
As mothers, I think it’s doubly hard to push our eaglets out of the nest. I know birds do it all the time, but human mothers are different from animals because we have reasoning abilities. We say to ourselves, ‘well they’re (our children) having a hard time finding a job’ or ‘he’s running with the wrong crowd’ or ‘if I were a better parent, she would be doing ______’ or ‘if I don’t help them, who will?’
We make lots of excuses to ourselves and others when our kids (young or old) have not succeeded the way we would like. It’s probably one of the most painful lessons a mother or father face (in their parenting career). Today let’s use a phrase I learned years ago called “Let Go and Let God”. Unless your child is disabled (mentally or physically), let’s gently push them out of our nest. Encourage them to take that next step, stop making excuses for them, and stop doing things that cripple them. I know it seems scary, but isn’t our job to help them grow into adults that can take care of themselves? #Parenting101
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It Doesn’t Matter if You’re Black or White
Let’s take an honest look at an ugly topic – RACE. There I said it! Not just race itself, but what happens when we allow race to permeate our thoughts, feelings and our perceptions. Think about your son or, or if you’re younger and sans kids – your brother. Did it ever occur to you that your child (brother) is held responsible or labeled because of his race? Let me give you an example. When you are walking down the street and you see a black boy walking in your direction, do you a) Cross the street; b) Clutch your purse tightly or c) Continue walking without fear? Or, what would be your first thought if you heard that an altercation occurred between your child and another student? Would you assume it was the other child’s fault? How about if the other child was a black child? What would be your assumptions?
When my son was three years old, his daycare provider (a friendly, white woman) took care of him and several other kids, including her own. We lived in the same neighborhood and our older children attended school together. She was fanatical about cleanliness and that was okay because who wants their child in a pig sty. She loved her family and believed in God. Important points for me! We were off to a great relationship! At least that was what I thought. One day I after work, I picked up my son and she told me that he bit her son. What? Biting was not new to me because my son bit another child at the previous daycare provider. I was very concerned because biting is aggressive act and I needed to know what was going on in my young son’s mind that made him think biting was acceptable. My husband and I would address those concerns with him once we got home. What I wasn’t prepared for were the next words out of my daycare provider’s mouth. She said that he was an aggressive kid and that he would probably grow up and kill someone someday! WHAT?!? At the previous daycare provider, her toddler son (white) started the biting phenomenon and bit our son. I’m not sure if he was punished, but one thing I know, his mother did not decide that he was aggressive and would grow up and one day kill someone. As a matter of fact, she apologized for his behavior, kind of laughed and said “boys will be boys”. Two different kids, same behavior was judged differently. The only difference is that one kid was black (African American) and one was white. 
More recently I was talking about parenting to a business partner of mine who has three sons. Her sons go to predominantly white schools and the youngest tends to show his feelings (good or bad) though facial expressions. He has not learned the art of masking those feelings yet. In any case, her son’s teacher told him to stop doing something and he continued to do it. She told him a second time and he made a face and said okay. She wrote him up and called his mother. Okay! When my business partner asked her son why he didn’t stop when he was instructed, he told her he wasn’t ready to stop. He also told her that Johnnie (white) did the same thing but he was not told to stop. Now you can spin that anyway you like. Should both sons be admonished equally? Of course, but what is happening in many classrooms is that behavior is viewed differently and punishments, suspensions, and expulsions are more severe for children particularly boys of color. WHY IS THAT? And WHAT can we do about it?
Race may not be an issue in countries where people physically look the same. In those instances you are most likely judged by socio-economic standards like who your parents are and whether you have money or don’t. In this country, the United States, race is an out of control issue that is based in fear and needs to be addressed personally as well as societally. In Michael Jackson’s song – Black or White, I have to say – it does matter if you’re black or white. You ARE judged by the color of your skin and not necessarily the content of your character. Isn’t that a shame…
…
C. Lynn Williams
Author & Speaker
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
Letting Your College Student Go…
Did you ever imagine that you would be putting forlorn messages on your social media sites like ‘We just dropped my daughter off to school and I can’t stop crying’ or ‘I drove my son to school today and we’ve talked twice since then.’? What is it about parting with your part teen/part adult child that reduces us moms to emotional blobs?I believe there is something very final about taking your son or daughter to college. Your mind tells you that you will see them again soon (probably at Homecoming), and yet at that very moment, your heart is breaking into tiny pieces. In spite of the arguments and minor irritations that we face with our college-bound kids, the fact is, things will never be the same again. Yes we know they will come home for winter and summer breaks, but it won’t feel quite the same, because you both will have changed.
The summer of 2003, we drove my daughter to college. It had been fraught with argument and irritations. We could barely tolerate each other! I could not believe how many shoes she was taking to a tiny dorm room, and why was it necessary to take both cars (both her dad and I drove down, each with a carload full of items)? As much as my daughter and I love each other, the weeks leading up to her departure were tortuous! Once we arrived at her dorm, we met her roommate and her roommate’s parents, helped her get settled in, attended parent orientation and then got on the road to return home. Of course I had plenty of time to replay our final words and felt quite foolish for arguing when I knew I would miss her terribly. I cried like a baby all the way home.
So mothers & dads, if this is your son or daughter’s first year at ‘school’, you have my permission to reminisce, shed a few tears or drink a much needed glass of wine. Salute!
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! Available August, 2013 – release date Aug 23rd
Justice or Just Us
As an African American mother with two sons, the George Zimmerman verdict was really disturbing. As a matter of fact, it broke my heart. I wonder if other mothers feel the same way I do, no matter what your ethnic background? How would you feel, if the son you nurtured and raised, was shot and killed for no apparent reason? You see, as an American I truly believe in the “American dream”. Here’s the dream: get an education, get a job – a good job, start a family, teach your kids to respect themselves and other people, have a belief in something bigger than you (for me that’s God), live peaceably among my neighbors and give back to those less fortunate than you.
What this verdict says to me is that no matter how good my parenting is, no matter how educated, well-behaved, or respected my sons are, they can be gunned down and the killer (particularly if not a person of color) is guaranteed to go free. Where is the justice for my boys and other African American males here in America? How do we protect our sons? Where is the love & justice for people of all colors, not just those whose skin looks different from mine?
God asks that we love each other. Let’s eliminate the racial lines along which we are divided and draw a new world of love, peace and justice for all people collectively. #MsParentguru
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter: the Joys, Tears & Hormones (available in Summer, 2013)
Racial Differences When Raising Sons
If you have raised or are raising a son, this article’s for you! 
I have a series of questions for you. The first question is: Are there differences between raising a son that is Black versus White, versus Hispanic versus Asian? Would your answer be yes or would you answer no? I would answer yes. As a Black mother raising Black boys, society’s rules are different when it comes to my sons. If my sons get stopped for a traffic violation, they are more likely to be harassed. If they are in unfamiliar cars or neighborhoods, they are more likely to be stopped. If either son makes the mistake of using drugs, he has a higher chance of being convicted than his White counterparts. As author Marita Golden says in her book, Saving Our Sons, “…there is always the fear that he will make a fatal detour, be seduced, or be hijacked by a White or Black cop, or a young predator, or a Nazi skinhead, or his own bad judgment…”
Does a Hispanic or Asian mother face the same concerns when raising her son? Quite possibly, but it’s how society’s rules and the legal system handles them that can make the difference in how that son is handled. Stay tuned for part 2 in this series on racial differences when raising sons.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter – Joys, Tears & Hormones! available in summer, 2013
Old World Parenting Russian Style
Over the weekend, I was talking to a Russian woman named Irena and she was excited about her son’s upcoming birthday. I love birthdays, mine will be here in a few weeks, so I joined in her enthusiasm as well and asked how old her son was. “He will be 27, and I’m trying to decide what kind of cake to bake for him.” She later told me that he still lived at home with her. When she suggested that he consider moving out; he asked her what he had done to make her mad; why was she suggesting that he move? Apparently where he’s employed, his colleagues think something is wrong with him because he still lives at home with his mother.
I too was surprised that he still lived at home at the age of 26. When I said that, Irena shared that in Russian culture, children live at home until they are married. No parent thinks that their child should move, and the adult children continue to obey their parents, support the household financially as well as help with chores. “He’s a good boy” Irena told me, and “I live for my son”. One of the other ideas that Irena shared is that Russian children are taught that education is very important. In order to be successful, you must have excellent grades and a great education. Her requirement was that her son study and finish homework (daily), even as a young boy. She required that and helped him study. Of course his grades were excellent; he is currently finishing law school.
As a parent, I felt the same way as Irena. You love your children dearly, and your love means helping them build a strong foundation where they understand from early childhood the importance of education, commitment and obedience. It’s easy to tell a child to go to her room and finish her homework. I believe it’s more valuable to have them open those school books at the kitchen table (in front of you) and study. You get a chance to add your two cents worth, and your child gets to learn about the importance of education and your commitment to them. Interesting concept, right?
My newest book, “How to Turn Your Daughter Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter” is due out by May, 2013. Email me at: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com if you’re interested in reading a short excerpt. Find me on Twitter @cgwwbook.
C. Lynn Williams, #Msparentguru
Author and Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
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