The Divorced Kid Shuffle (reprint)
This article by Tiffany Beverlin so resonated with me as I tried to maintain a relationship with my kids and their father during and after our divorce.
– C. Lynn Williams 
www.clynnwilliams.com
I am writing this blog while having just distributed, varies suitcases, and bags to each of my children to start packing for spring break, like all holidays for most children of divorced parents, my children are expert packers and spend their lives going back and forth between my home and their fathers. It’s still the part of divorce that bothers me the most, when the children started to have to go on back and forth between us, I would have hard time holding it together long enough to pack their little cases and kiss them good bye then to watch them walk down the drive with their bags in tow before I would cir-cum to tears. Fast forward 3 years, it still bothers me, they trek their instruments, their bags, science projects they even take their tortoise and chameleon back and forth, kissing them good bye still has a bitter sweet feel, but my attitude to it has changed. Click on the link below to read more…
Routine! Routine! Schedule…
I don’t normally write about parenting young children because I feel that the market is already saturated with experts on early childhood rearing. However, this summer I had a several opportunities to observe not only my family but also other families who are raising young children and I had some thoughts.
I’m a free spirit and enjoyed being out most of the day when my kids were little. But they taught me that they needed structure like regular mealtimes, naps and bedtimes.
When my daughter was young, I worked jobs that required me to be out of the house for long periods of time. When she was first born, we had a nanny and when the nanny was off, I had a hard time getting my daughter to go to sleep whether it was nap time or bed time. Our nanny relationship lasted for a year and I found that I had the responsibility for getting my daughter to sleep at night as well as on the weekends. It took some creativity and a lot of times of putting her back to bed before we were able to get her to sleep at night without getting up every few minutes.
For those of you who are sleep deprived and completely exhausted, here’s what I did. I went back to how I was raised with a few modifications.
My parents had routines for us as children and as teens. The routines were consistent and impartial. There were times to do homework, time to eat dinner, time to complete household chores, and time to go to bed. We seldom strayed from those routines even when I attended high school.
Understandably, young children can’t set their routines like when & what to eat, as well as when to sleep. And, depending on your parenting style, establishing any routine can be challenging to put in place. If you’ve allowed your son or daughter to sleep with you OR you sleep with them, setting a bedtime and having them sleep in their own bed is pretty traumatic for both of you. Start now and stick to it. Make it fun by making a game out of it. Children love games! Have dinner at a specific time everyday. The dinner doesn’t have to be formal or fancy, your goal is to start a routine of eating together. During dinner ask what book they want you to read (to them) at bedtime. As it gets close to bedtime, ask them about their favorite part of the day and share yours. Make sure they aren’t hungry. Give them a bath. Have them brush their teeth. One final trip to the bathroom. Say prayers. Read a short book. Give them a hug & kiss. Say goodnight.
Here are 3 suggestions for establishing a bedtime routine for your 2 or 3 year old:
1. Have them pick up their toys before nap or bedtime by making it a game.
2. Tell them what you’re going to do before you do it AND what you want them to do.
3. When it is time for bed, let them know that you expect them to go to bed and to sleep. They may continue to ask for water, another story or for you to sleep with them. Kindly and firmly say goodnight.
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and their Sons.
Click Here to join my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Coach & Author
How to Keep Your Daughter from Making ‘Man’ Mistakes
As we drove home after a weekend of our 
daughter and son in law’s engagement party, I checked in with my Followers on Twitter and ran into a group of people who were lamenting having married people who didn’t appreciate them, dogged them, or left them for others.
Having been a child of divorced parents, and having gone through divorce myself, I remember how devastating divorce was on our family and how it wrecks both parents and kids (for a long time). I began thinking back over my conversations with this daughter to make sure I’ve been honest in our talks about love, relationships, men and marriage. 
Marriage is more than love. I mean yes you want to love the person you marry; you also need to be friends – good friends and be willing to serve each other with as little ego involved as possible. As many chic flick movies as I’ve seen (and enjoyed), at the end of the day I know they’re really fairy tales and as much as I’d like life to end up with my king riding up in a fast sports car to whisk me away, the truth is marriage takes:
- commitment by both parties
- acceptance
- love
- respect
- patience & tolerance
- Sharing
- friendship
- faith (in God)
As I think back on our conversations, I’ve shared my good times, the times I was wrong ( and how important it is to admit it to your spouse), and the importance of respect – being respectful and commanding respect with my daughter. Have talks with your daughter(s) so that when they’re ready to marry, they don’t unknowingly make the same mistakes we made.
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C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
3 Ways to Protect Your Daughter
I went to a local viewing of Lady Sings the Blues last week and remember how much I enjoyed the music. The clothes and make-up were beautiful and the singing by Diana Ross was superb. Her life story was hard to watch and I couldn’t finish the movie. I was also reminded of how easy it was for her to be 
marginalized as a young black teenager. Everybody that was supposed to keep an eye on her had other ideas. Her mom sent her to live with her aunt (mom’s sister); she was left home to clean the house, and was molested because nobody was really looking out for her. As she became a young successful woman, it was easy to assume she was living a great life because she had the ‘look’.
I just wished Elenora/Billy Holiday’s and her mother had had a real conversation and her mom was able to offer her some true support. I believe this is where some of us are with our sons & daughters. If we’re bold enough we ask the right questions:
1. Are you having sex?
2. Are you using/selling drugs?
3. Are you dating older men?
4. Are you being sexually abused by my new husband? 
We need to be prepared to handle the answers that we may receive? Here are some ideas:
1. If your daughter’s behavior changes ask her “what’s going on“.
2. If she tells you an unbelievable story, believe her.
3. If she is being harassed or abused, support and protect her without judgement.
If we want to turn around our current and future generations, we have to be courageous and fearless. Our kids certainly are.
Discipline Disparity Between Black Boys & Everybody Else’s Son
When we African American mothers complain that the system is against our son(s), we are told that we are paranoid. Probably not.
Of course it doesn’t help when our sons are consistently targeted /stopped / jailed / shot by law enforcement officers.
When my son was three, I took him to a neighborhood in-home day care. The day care provider had three kids; two who were too young to attend school. One day when I picked up my son, she told me that he bit her youngest son. While I wasn’t surprised; he was going through a biting stage; her next words surprised me. “You better get him some help or else he’s going to be a a danger to society (not verbatim).”
While I didn’t disregard his biting behavior, I also knew we had recently relocated the family and he was moved from a home he had known and loved since birth to one that was unfamiliar to him. I also knew other sons who bit, spit and punched each other and their moms simply said “Boys will be boys“.
Understand that I am not saying our sons can do no wrong. If they are wrong, it is our responsibility to correct their behavior. Continual targeting is not the way. If you are a single mother without a positive male role model in your son’s life, then it will be hard not to take to heart what school (or daycare) officials say. Don’t believe the hype.
It’s really important to the socio-emotional health of our sons for us to protect them when it appears that they are constantly punished, suspended or jailed for acts that are considered quite normal for sons of other races and ethnicities.
Please read the Washington Post article by Tunette Powell and let me know your thoughts on this topic. Click here to read.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Founder & Creator of Finding Superwoman
The Beauty Inside…
Last week I had a chance to spend time with my biological sister and my wonderful sorority sisters of Alpha Kappa Alpha. It was our 
biennial conference and thousands of us descended onto Atlanta, Georgia. It was a beautiful sight, and connecting with each other, some who I hadn’t seen in two years, was just great. My sorors are part of my extended family.
However I also thought about my biological sister and how blessed I am to have her in my life. I know there are families where sisters don’t get along or support each other. I’m the oldest, and when I was growing up, my mother told me to look out for my sister. I never forgot my mother’s words and we continue to look out for each other.
I also look out for my “girls” – ladies I grew up with and those who are more recent friends. That’s something we were raised with, but I don’t think it’s being taught anymore. Look out for your family, friends, or neighbors. It’s about me and nothing more. That’s probably why there are the random acts of violence taking place all over the world instead of random acts of kindness.
Do me a favor. Smile at someone as you walk down the street. Hold the door open for a perfect stranger. Let a car pull out in front of you and instead of cursing, give them a friendly nod. Sisterliness begins with me and I’m paying it forward. 
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and their Sons. Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
While we may come from different walks of life, as women young and old, we share common challenges, goals and passions. If you want to share the love with girls and other womenfolk join me on August 14, 2016 by attending my Mom & Me ❤ Tea, designed to provide a setting where girls and their caregivers can enjoy an afternoon of communication, culture and fun together. Register here.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Coach & Author
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Gun Violence Begins at Home
Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, all I wanted was to be accepted for who I was – glasses and all, and look like my best girlfriend Susan. What I later learned is that it wouldn’t have mattered what I looked like, because most kids wanted to look like or be someone else.
While most of my friends had strict parents, I didn’t have any close friends (that I knew of) whose parents were verbally (or physically) cruel. I say that because as a kid we had parental permission to visit our close friends and I often watched how my friends’ moms and dads interacted with them. Yes I’ve been fascinated with family dynamics since I was a kid. I know what it’s like to grow up in a house where you’re constantly criticized or made to feel bad for who you are. I’ve seen it firsthand. As a child, it feels awful to be constantly criticized.
I also feel sorry for parents who expect to have (what they consider to be) normal kids, who aren’t. Maybe the child is sick, disabled/handicapped or have a different sexual orientation. It’s understandable to expect your child to grow up and be awesome! All parents want that. But when your child grows up and chooses a career or life that you did not expect or don’t value as acceptable, what do you do?
I believe you internalize your disappointment and think you’ve failed as a parent. Depending on your upbringing, you become critical of that young man or woman and say hurtful things that create division and separation. But let me tell you what can happen to that young man or woman; they feel rejected and hurt. You may never hear those feelings because it’s not safe for them to share them with you. If the dynamics in your household is violence and anger, they internalize that too.
Think about it! The gun violence over the last 6 years has often been random and impersonal. As a kid, if you haven’t been hugged, kissed or told how much you are loved (by your parents); if your only validation was to be told ‘How stupid you are’, ‘You’ll never amount to anything’, ‘I wish you were never born’ or ‘Shut up’; you’re ignored or beaten, it is easy to see how you would internalize those feelings and become bitter.
Anytime I read or hear about a mass or random shooting, I wonder what kind of environment that person grew up in. Were they loved, nurtured and well-cared for? Or were they allowed to do their own thing and somewhat ignored because their parents worked (a lot), didn’t know how to reach out to them, didn’t care. 
I am truly sorry for the mass shootings in Orlando, as well as the daily shootings in Chicago. Folks wake up! It’s not too late to reestablish a loving relationship with your child – no matter how old they are. ♥♥
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Coach & Author
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)
3 Tips to Prevent Excessive Prom Spending (reprinted)
Reprinted 5/26/2016 from Moms Magazine ~~~ 
Eons ago, I attended prom. I actually had my dress made and it was a big deal to match the dress with my shoes. I wore a natural hair style, so I only needed a trip to the barbershop to have it properly shaped. I’m sure I wore some make-up and polished my nails, but the entire the whole preparation didn’t cost more than maybe $200.
Have you had to prepare your child for prom recently? I remember getting my own daughters ready for prom and it was certainly more elaborate than when I was in high school. I believe the cost of one of the prom dresses was three hundred dollars!
There was even a process for how your date asked you to prom. Apparently your favorite girl wouldn’t consider going to prom with you unless you had a creative way of asking her. 
Attended a prom party lately? My hubs and I attended a prom party and I was amazed and surprised at the elaborate things that took place. Her dress was flown out of New York and he had on the baddest pair of shoes I’ve ever seen even on a grown man; the fact that he was a high school kid made it unreal. I believe the shoes were blue suede. Between the videographer and the Rolls Royce limo, I imagine those parents easily spent $4,000.
Some parents feel if you have the money to spend why not spend it? My concern is that if you’re spending thousands of dollars for prom, what do you do when your daughter(s) or son(s) get married?
I believe we’re teaching our young people that they are entitled to this kind of excessive spending, when in actuality they aren’t. What have they done to deserve this excess?
Instead here are three things we can teach them to help them develop fiscal responsibility.
1. Let them know that they are responsible for some of their prom expenses. Set a dollar amount of what you will contribute.
2. Open a savings account when they are in grade school. Help them develop a habit of savings.
3. Teach them the value of being frugal. Show them how to get the best for their money. (Help them learn this early – during middle school would be good.)
Recently parents were telling me how concerned they were that their children particularly the teens acted so entitled. How can you not feel entitled if your parents will allow you to spend thousands of dollars on your dress or tux without establishing limits?
Interested in learning more about your how to communicate with your teen daughter? Pick up a copy of my book -Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring family coaching programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author, Coach & Family Dynamics Specialist
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)
3 Ways to Avoid Cincinnati Zoo Parenting
I normally try to avoid the nightly news, because it’s always so sensational and it seems that each 
network tries to outdo the other network with the worst possible things that humans are doing to each other. My ears pricked up last night when the news reported that a four year old boy crawled/fell through the barriers at the Cincinnati Zoo, was dragged by the gorilla (probably a mother) and rescued by zoo officials after the gorilla was killed.
I felt outraged! How in the world did he get through the barriers? WHERE WAS HIS MOTHER when this happened?
Okay moms before you yell that boys are quicker than the blinking eye – I completely agree. My own son was three when I noticed him smiling (like he just got into something) and running from my bathroom. I caught him and got a whiff of what smelled like fingernail polish remover. My question to myself was how did he get away from me that quickly – it seemed like seconds! But it only takes seconds for your kid to get away from you and unfortunately in this case, he’s slid into the gorilla habitat with Harambe, an endangered and well-loved gorilla.
She was on her phone… Doggone it! Being on your phone with any four year old is dangerous – boy or girl. It only takes a minute for them to get into something. Our phones can take our attention away so quickly that minutes go by like seconds. She probably thought – “who just texted me”. The next thing she knew, her son was gone. She is really lucky that her son is alive. Having raised one son from birth, and another as a bonus, I know boys. They are wonderful but do unexpected things a lot!
Here are three (3) things to remember when raising boys:
- Pay attention at all times especially once he starts crawling through his 6th birthday
- Believe that he can reach anything he sets his mind to – he has No Fear
- They will tell you whatever you want to hear – meaning he won’t always be truthful
Interested in learning more about what makes your son tick? Pick up a copy of my book – The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son. Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams – #MsParentguru
Author, Coach & Family Dynamics Specialist
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
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