Posts tagged ‘Family’
Ladies: Love Traditional Style!
I love Thanksgiving because I get to spend time with members of my family that I ordinarily don’t get to hang out with.
I have lots of nieces, nine I think; and my two of my closest nieces are in dysfunctional relationships with men! One of them is working out father abandonment issues, and she finds the most “ugh” guys to get involved with. They are either married to someone else or in love with someone else – WTH? The guy of the hour, can’t hold a job, smokes weed and runs around on her! I love her so much and so as usual, I stuck my head in her business, suggested she make a clean break with him (the father of her second child), and move on. She followed my move on advice, and changed apartments. Whatever..
My other niece, the more cautious one, got involved with a guy that she met over a year ago. They admired each other from a distance and she eventually accepted his request for a date. 
Ladies: dating is your opportunity to find out about that guy! It is not time to “jump into bed” with him! You don’t know him! He could be married, crazy, abusive, just NOT your type! Have a couple of months of pure dating without sex (of any kind). Let him talk about what he does and does not like. You do the same thing. Let your mind get to know him before you introduce your body. In any event, not practicing ‘safe sex’ gave her & her guy friend an early birthday present – a baby! Now she gets to find out that he has baby mama drama and since he’s a “Pampered Prince”, she also has periodic issues with his mother. (The Pampered Princes are those whose mothers don’t believe their sons do any wrong.)
Take your time to get to know him, before you KNOW him…
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
Love Isn’t Always Easy or Convenient
Love Isn’t Always Easy or Convenient
Both of our parents are elderly. My dad is 81, and my mother-in-law is 79. The good news is that they both live on their own. However, even though they both live alone, one is experiencing temporary memory loss, while the other has been diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer.
While visiting Dad, I found myself treating him like one of my children. It felt very odd to remind him to do things, that I took for granted he did. Yet, like my kids, he needed reminders to do what he normally would do (without my help). Take eating healthy. Dad is a big proponent of juicing, exercising and eating moderate amounts of food, yet he’s consuming more sweets than ever seen before. Looks like lunch has been replaced with coffee and a sweet something or other. Another thing, every couple of weeks he’s having something new repaired on his car. When I ask him why, he says, “I want my car to run well.” It already runs well… I’m concerned that he’s wasting his money, or worse, TV ads are convincing him to spend money unnecessarily.
You’re probably saying, hey that’s not a big deal! He can still take care of himself! Well what happens when he forgets (again) how to get to the VA Center, which he has driven to for years? Or how do you tell your elderly mother, that you have to take her car keys because she continues to get lost and has to have someone call you because she doesn’t know where she is? Loving your parents means that you care for them, (and make those hard care decisions) when they can no longer care for themselves.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010) The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
Patiently Waiting for Dad
As I travel back to my hometown, I think about my annual weekend visit spent with my dad. We talk weekly, but seeing Dad face to face is another story altogether. Over the phone he sounds pretty normal; a little more cantankerous the older he gets, but still my wonderful dad. Up close, I get to see how time has started to slow his walk considerably and determines how many household chores he is able to accomplish at any one time. Seeing him, I understand that it really is difficult to cook dinner and talk to me on the phone at the same time, because he has to focus.
Although he is prescription and disease free, his short-term memory comes and goes, which is really scary. During our weekend together, I didn’t understand his need to stay in the house and decided he was just being a stick-in-the mud. 
I remembered that “he’s eighty-one years old, and while he looks to be in his early seventies, his body (and mind) probably feel his actual age. Did I mention that he doesn’t have the modern conveniences I think all households have – cable TV and Internet access? So once I got it into my technology driven mind that Dad lived in the horse & buggy era, I collected my thoughts, reminded myself how glad I was to have a dad that loved me and who was alive, and I challenged him to a game of Scrabble. Parenting 101: enjoy your family with the tools that are readily available! Guess What? His mind was alert enough to beat me by nine points! Ahhh.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
When Is Close Too Close?
Is there ever a time when is a Parent – Child relationship too close?
What does that mean? If you spend time with your son or daughter or talk on the phone daily, is that too close? Does your close relationship interfere with your ability to parent that child? If the lines are blurred, meaning you such good friends, that you can’t give well-deserved consequences for misbehaving, then YES, you are probably too close.
I believe that teenagers and parents can’t be friends because when you need to discipline them or expect them to follow your rules, because they won’t understand how you’ve switched from friend to parent and may not obey you. On the other hand, if you are an aloof parent – the kind that just administers rules and won’t allow a close relationship to develop between you and your tween or teen, how do they learn that important skill of allowing others to be close to them?
However, what happens when your child becomes an adult and a real friendship develops? How much sharing is too much? Can you go out together and drink socially? Can you share the disappointments that you are experiencing in your own life? How do you maintain those relationships in a friendly way and yet not get hurt, the way adults do when one ‘friend’ feels differently or doesn’t respond in a way that you expect? We recently had a social event, and one of my friends, (she’s 40ish), told me that she asked her mother not to attend, so she could comfortably go and ‘have fun’. I had a completely different experience with my mother. Once I went away to school, we became friends and it was not uncommon to come home during break and be part of one my Mom’s famous parties. We’d have a blast!
So share your experiences with your mother. Email me at: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
Hope you will follow some of my new #blogger friends:
Phil Rowlands Blog: Kindle Authors http://bit.ly/1ix9A3T (password: childsplay)
Christie Edwards Blog: Living Simplistically http://bit.ly/HwlFui
…
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Order My Books on Amazon.com:
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
Staying Sane While Parenting Teens
Radio Show with Lon Woodbury (September 30, 2013)
With the lack of communication between parents and their teens in homes today, today’s guest on Parent Choices for Struggling Teens, C. Lynn Williams shared some “time tested tips” and strategies for parents to “stay sane” while raising their tweens and teens with host Lon Woodbury. In order for parents to stay sane, to keep their cool and not lose their temper, the first thing parents need to do is take care of themselves! With the life changes parents are also going through, it is important to take care of yourself, get out and get some exercise and get more sleep (rather than getting by on less.) In addition, having healthy meals together as a family is a must. There are great discussions and conversations that can come up, plus you get a visual on how your teen is doing- both physically and emotionally.
Some general tips that C Lynn recommends include: consistency. Especially on this brink of adulthood, parents need to have a wall of structure and consistent follow through. “No idle threats…if you say it, then you mean it” shared Lon. Another tip: you have to remain and remember that you are the parent. You are not their friend and as a parent there are standards you have to uphold. Lastly, you need to build individual relationships with each child. Spend time exclusively with each child and get to know them because each one is different. When they need to talk, they can then come to you to talk, from building the relationship and trust together. “Find out what their ‘love language’ is, ways your child receives and accepts love, whether it is attention, gifts or words of affirmation. Yet be appropriate in praising your teen, don’t praise them unless they have truly earned it…be honest with your teen.
For those with tweens, remember they are at the age where their hormones are in full force. “They still want to please you and then the next second, they don’t like you.” During this puberty stage there are lots of influences in your child’s life. The girls want to belong and the boys are centered on sports. This is a good time to get your child involved in extracurricular activities. They need to be kept busy and they need to be in a structured setting. And the good thing that comes out of this is the friendships they make, they want to please their coach, they are not sitting on the couch becoming a couch potato and they get a chance to explore their different interests.
When it comes to a parent needing to seek help for their out of control teen, “you should do so when you notice a drastic change in their behavior, their temperament, if they are quite and morose, depressed or you notice weight gain or weight loss” says C Lynn. And the first step to take is to contact the school and make an appointment with the school psychologist. “Just talk to your kid and if they won’t talk, seek help.”
“Parents need support, like in the old days; everyone on the block would look out for each other’s kids. We need to get back to that again. Involve the teachers, involve the neighbors, give them your phone number and have them call you if they see something not right with your child.
To listen to the full interview, go to Staying Sane While Parenting Teens on LATalkRadio
Contact:
Lon Woodbury, MA, CEP, IECA
208-267-5550
lonwoodbury@gmail.com
http://www.strugglingteens.com
Featuring:
C. Lynn Williams
Parenting Coach, Author, Speaker
224-357-6315
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
www.clynnwilliams.com
It Doesn’t Matter if You’re Black or White
Let’s take an honest look at an ugly topic – RACE. There I said it! Not just race itself, but what happens when we allow race to permeate our thoughts, feelings and our perceptions. Think about your son or, or if you’re younger and sans kids – your brother. Did it ever occur to you that your child (brother) is held responsible or labeled because of his race? Let me give you an example. When you are walking down the street and you see a black boy walking in your direction, do you a) Cross the street; b) Clutch your purse tightly or c) Continue walking without fear? Or, what would be your first thought if you heard that an altercation occurred between your child and another student? Would you assume it was the other child’s fault? How about if the other child was a black child? What would be your assumptions?
When my son was three years old, his daycare provider (a friendly, white woman) took care of him and several other kids, including her own. We lived in the same neighborhood and our older children attended school together. She was fanatical about cleanliness and that was okay because who wants their child in a pig sty. She loved her family and believed in God. Important points for me! We were off to a great relationship! At least that was what I thought. One day I after work, I picked up my son and she told me that he bit her son. What? Biting was not new to me because my son bit another child at the previous daycare provider. I was very concerned because biting is aggressive act and I needed to know what was going on in my young son’s mind that made him think biting was acceptable. My husband and I would address those concerns with him once we got home. What I wasn’t prepared for were the next words out of my daycare provider’s mouth. She said that he was an aggressive kid and that he would probably grow up and kill someone someday! WHAT?!? At the previous daycare provider, her toddler son (white) started the biting phenomenon and bit our son. I’m not sure if he was punished, but one thing I know, his mother did not decide that he was aggressive and would grow up and one day kill someone. As a matter of fact, she apologized for his behavior, kind of laughed and said “boys will be boys”. Two different kids, same behavior was judged differently. The only difference is that one kid was black (African American) and one was white. 
More recently I was talking about parenting to a business partner of mine who has three sons. Her sons go to predominantly white schools and the youngest tends to show his feelings (good or bad) though facial expressions. He has not learned the art of masking those feelings yet. In any case, her son’s teacher told him to stop doing something and he continued to do it. She told him a second time and he made a face and said okay. She wrote him up and called his mother. Okay! When my business partner asked her son why he didn’t stop when he was instructed, he told her he wasn’t ready to stop. He also told her that Johnnie (white) did the same thing but he was not told to stop. Now you can spin that anyway you like. Should both sons be admonished equally? Of course, but what is happening in many classrooms is that behavior is viewed differently and punishments, suspensions, and expulsions are more severe for children particularly boys of color. WHY IS THAT? And WHAT can we do about it?
Race may not be an issue in countries where people physically look the same. In those instances you are most likely judged by socio-economic standards like who your parents are and whether you have money or don’t. In this country, the United States, race is an out of control issue that is based in fear and needs to be addressed personally as well as societally. In Michael Jackson’s song – Black or White, I have to say – it does matter if you’re black or white. You ARE judged by the color of your skin and not necessarily the content of your character. Isn’t that a shame…
…
C. Lynn Williams
Author & Speaker
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
Surviving Loss
One of my former students lost her mother yesterday. Her daughter, (also a former student) told me about it today and it took me back five years ago when I lost my own mother. My initial feels of numbness and grief, turned into days of feeling lost and disconnected. Then I could hardly put two thoughts together without being reduced to tears. Weird huh?
What was funny about my reaction after losing my mother was that my sister was closest to my mom; they talked regularly throughout the day, and were cooking and drinking buddies. My mom and I talked daily but relied on each other in different ways. Being more private in my thoughts I didn’t feel the need to share everything with my mom. She taught me how to be resourceful, so I shared problems that I couldn’t figure out alone. Yet when I did share my secrets with her, I could count on her to keep them secret forever. Yes, we were mother & daughter, but we were also good friends, quite different from our relationship during my years as a teenager! Mom was my chief strategist in many ways. Her suggestions and ideas guided me through relationships, both work & personal, childrearing, and through all of my entrepreneurial pursuits. Mothers are a part of our lives in so many ways, is it possible to exist when that relationship comes to an end?
To read more about my thoughts (personal & parenting) about mother & daughter relationships, preorder a copy of my soon to be released book, “Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES!”…
C. Lynn Williams
Author & Speaker
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
Letting Your College Student Go…
Did you ever imagine that you would be putting forlorn messages on your social media sites like ‘We just dropped my daughter off to school and I can’t stop crying’ or ‘I drove my son to school today and we’ve talked twice since then.’? What is it about parting with your part teen/part adult child that reduces us moms to emotional blobs?I believe there is something very final about taking your son or daughter to college. Your mind tells you that you will see them again soon (probably at Homecoming), and yet at that very moment, your heart is breaking into tiny pieces. In spite of the arguments and minor irritations that we face with our college-bound kids, the fact is, things will never be the same again. Yes we know they will come home for winter and summer breaks, but it won’t feel quite the same, because you both will have changed.
The summer of 2003, we drove my daughter to college. It had been fraught with argument and irritations. We could barely tolerate each other! I could not believe how many shoes she was taking to a tiny dorm room, and why was it necessary to take both cars (both her dad and I drove down, each with a carload full of items)? As much as my daughter and I love each other, the weeks leading up to her departure were tortuous! Once we arrived at her dorm, we met her roommate and her roommate’s parents, helped her get settled in, attended parent orientation and then got on the road to return home. Of course I had plenty of time to replay our final words and felt quite foolish for arguing when I knew I would miss her terribly. I cried like a baby all the way home.
So mothers & dads, if this is your son or daughter’s first year at ‘school’, you have my permission to reminisce, shed a few tears or drink a much needed glass of wine. Salute!
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! Available August, 2013 – release date Aug 23rd
Parenting Rules revisited after Hannah Anderson kidnapping
“. . . let’s be honest. None of us is a perfect parent. I know I’m not. Like most parents, I’m trying my best to make good decisions for my children, and I’m doing so without an instruction manual.” Solomon Jones
While Mr. Jones could sit in a few of my workshops, it sounds like the Anderson family could too. Isn’t it always a close friend of the family that you & your children love and trust, that end up being the kidnapper or sexual predator? Who would have suspected nice Mr. DiMaggio of murder and kidnapping?
Parents follow your intuition, if someone is always available to drop off or pick up your kids from soccer or cheerleader practice, be careful. As my grandmother used to say, “Familiarity breeds contempt”. In other words, if someone wants to spend that much time with your children, BEWARE!
Click here to read the rest of the article:
http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/philadelphiaexperiment/item/58446
C. Lynn Williams
#MsParentguru
Follow me on Twitter @cgwwbook
We Choose People Like Our Parents
Do you believe we choose mates like our parents? My daughter certainly thinks so, and I am really wondering if parents are the reasons young women in our communities to go awry, south, crazy, whatever phrase you want to attach here.
Here’s the story: I am related or mentoring at least five women over the age of 20, who are pregnant and unmarried. Two of the young women I have known all of their lives. Their parents are hard-working people. Well their mother is hard-working; dad is retired now, but was always what my grandmother would say – ‘nickel slick’. Nickel slick is someone who knows the rules, but doesn’t always abide by the rules. These girls were raised properly, taught to respect themselves and yet seemed to follow the path of their girlfriends (getting pregnant) and not their mother. Why?
Daily I hear that social norms are changing, and marriage is passé. It’s no longer necessary to be married to have children. One of the young ladies felt that way long before she got pregnant. While I completely disagree with that line of thinking, let’s dig deeper to get at the root of the issue. Why are our daughters feeling that they have to raise children by themselves, with no husband and many times, no boyfriend? In African American communities, “Non-Hispanic black men and women aged 25-44 have lower percentages who have ever been married than non-Hispanic white and Hispanic persons of the same age.” – See more at: http://marriage.laws.com/marriage-statistics#sthash.ydfVSfgd.dpuf. According to Dr. Boyce Watkins, “black women aren’t getting married because many of the available black men are incarcerated.” http://tiny.cc/mtyjzw.
I believe the issue has to do with how we are raising our daughters. I talk about it in my new book: Raising Your Daughter: the Joys, Tears & Hormones! It’s one thing to expect your daughter to conduct herself as a lady, wait until marriage to have sex, and allow men to respect her as the beautiful woman that she is. Is that the example that she sees growing up? Is that how you conducted yourself? Was her father (your husband) faithful to you? Did he treat you kindly and respectfully? Today, many women are starved for love & attention. Maybe you don’t have a relationship with your father. Maybe you didn’t know your father. Maybe he didn’t tell you he loved you. So, the first ‘nice’ comment you receive from a guy, you have sex with him and you believe you’re in love. Major mistake! And not a mistake you want your daughter to have to learn from. Teach your daughter to have dates where nothing is required of her but her company. Matter of fact, teach her to be selective, have many dates, and decide if you like what your date is talking about. Get to know him, his family and his background before you become intimate.
Having a child should not be a ‘Rights of Passage’ for your young daughter. I guess that means you have to do a better job of picking your mate too.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter: the Joys, Tears & Hormones! Available in late summer, 2013
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
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