Posts tagged ‘fathers’
Care Enough To Join Me
We had an event in my community yesterday and it had been a culmination of twice weekly activities over a six week period, that included young people from elementary through high school as well as adults.
We had a pretty decent turnout, with most parents attending with their child. The odd thing was that the parents of one of our teens did not attend. She said they were home cleaning house 🧼 🧽. I was really bummed out, for her. She had had some rough times during our weekly meetings with family issues but during the entire time, we never met her parents. 👁👁
It took me back to the days when my children were younger. We tried to attend everything they were involved in. Of course that wasn’t possible, but we tried. And maybe this was true for my teen’s parents. Maybe they attend every other event and just couldn’t with this one. Watching her during our project meetings I got a different impression. To me she felt lonely and alone.
So this is what I want to say to her parents: It is important to show up in your kid’s life as often as you can. Doesn’t matter if they are 5, 15 or 25 years old. Our kids love our support! Yes it’s easy to show up for the large events like graduations and milestone birthdays. But sometimes we have to be parents no matter how busy our days are and be available! That means we play games with our kids, we go for walks (yea put down the headphones, game controllers and phones) 😁
As the parental unit (one of my daughter’s favorite phrases), our kids won’t remember that we were trying to make a living and had to put food on the table that’s not the first thing that they will remember about us. What they may remember is that we sat on the stairs and talked with them about what the 2020 election means; they’ll remember that we drove to the lakefront and watched the sunset; that we talked into the night about good and bad decisions, that we watch their favorite Disney movie 10 times… in a row. They will remember playing Monopoly with you and how many properties you bought!
Your child will remember the times you spent doing stuff together!
I feel bad because my teen friend looks and feels lonely. It doesn’t feel like she has a good support system and I hope she has a stronger one in the future.
Oh and parents… try to be more mindful of the time your child really needs with you.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Summer’s Almost Over – Are You Where You Want to Be?
Have you ever stopped for a moment and thought about some of the things that you’ve accomplished? If your answer is no I completely understand. Usually that’s me too! I am so busy creating and accomplishing, that I don’t think about my achievements. However today is August 1 and the summer is coming to an end. I started thinking about what I’ve accomplished this summer and what it means to me.
I am super passionate about great relationships between parents and their children and have written several books about how achieve the relationship that you want with your children and your parents. This summer I’ve been writing a relationship book about fathers and daughters. While I’ve had some tears, I’ve had some laughter too as I think about my dad and my relationship with him.
You see, I grew up in the 60s, where adults could tell you what to do and you did it. That was a time where your village existed within the neighborhood you lived in, and you had more than one set of parents because every adult could tell you what to do. Parenting then was very different from what’s taking place today – the safety of the villages has all but disappeared.
But back to my father-daughter book. I didn’t think I had a lot to write about my relationship with my dad, until I began writing. His parenting style was quite a bit different from my mother’s and equally important for my growth into womanhood. Dad didn’t sugarcoat what he said, and I knew I could trust him. He was like most dads who don’t provide frills and flowery words to us, but they say what we (daughters) need to hear. 
I can’t wait until my book is ready to share with you. As a matter fact, I will be hosting a father – daughter discussion on August 6 from 7 to 9 PM here in Chicago. Here is the link if you want to attend this free discussion: daddaughtertalk.eventbrite.com. I would love for you to join me. #FathersandDaughtersRock
So… Are you where you want to be?
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
Manners Matter
Have you ever seen something and wondered – ‘Did I just see that!’ 
I was driving on the expressway and traffic was really congested. In broad daylight a man pulled over to the side of the road and proceeded to pull out his genitals and use the bathroom! WHAT?!? Seriously!?! I thought what kind of home training did he have?
In another situation, a woman begins to talk on her phone. You can hear the voice on the other end of the phone because she has her caller on speakerphone. Why?
I met with one of my clients last week, at a public playroom for kids, since she had her kiddos with her. The playroom reminded me of when my kids were invited to places to play with each other while parents got to know each other. The biggest difference between then and now is that a few of the parents were on their phones while their child played.
What she did next got my attention. Before allowing her son to play with the other kids, she reminded him of the ‘house rules‘. The house rules were her expectations of his behavior. “Play nice.” “Hitting is not a way to resolve a problem.” Her little guy was only 4 1/2 years old, but he was being taught how to handle conflict and remain mannerable! She said that she noticed that when he and another child had conflict, he would hit. She wanted to teach him other ways to resolve conflict besides hitting (or taking what he wanted). Manners do matter, maybe not to adults who urinate on the side of expressways or when talking on speakerphone in public places. 
Manners are behaviors that are taught either by how you are raised or what you see at home. If kids are taught to be mannerable by adults who are mannerable, then that’s what they are. If the environment where you live, permits misbehavior like disrespect, littering, fighting, road rage, temper tantrums, things like that; then manners don’t matter to you.
But we live in a global society, where people from many cultures are expected to get along with each other. Manners matter because how we live our everyday lives spills over into how we treat each other and our neighbors. Respecting each other, protecting our environment and raising our children to do the same is what matters.
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting relationship programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons or Fathers and Daughters.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
Asking For Help
How often do you ask for help? 
Once a day? Once a month? Never? I know my examples sound extreme but a few weeks ago, I was talking with one of my Finding Superwoman™ coaching clients and she talked about how overwhelmed she was at her home. She has a teen son, a tween daughter and a husband.
When I gently reminded her about these people that live at home with her, she laughed and said ‘Oh they won’t help out.’ 😨 ‘What do you mean they won’t help? Have you asked them?’ ‘Well no, I didn’t think I had to ask for help.’ I now understood her dilemma, she didn’t know how to ask for help. I grew up in a culture of everyone pitching in at home; with the exception of my dad whose only household chores were cutting the grass and painting. 🤷🏽♀️
As young kids, my mother trained us to pick up our toys and clean our rooms (before we were allowed to take our daily nap). As we got older, our responsibilities increased to include things like starting dinner and doing laundry.
My husband and I share household things like cooking and kitchen clean up. If I cook, he cleans the kitchen. The chores are not split equally but I don’t feel like Hazel the maid either.
Asking for help and training your children to help around the house is important for you to maintain a semblance of sanity and order. Whether you work outside of your home, or work from home, doing ‘everything’ does not help you manage your household workload or your peace of mind.
Teaching your children the value of taking responsibility for household chores builds character. It also helps you busy mom (or dad) to do those activities that are uniquely yours to do to insure that the household runs properly.
If you grew up in a house where your mom or dad did not require anything from you except to go to school and get good grades, then this is an opportunity to get outside of your parent comfort zone and build a new skill. It takes three things from you:
1. Decide what chores you want your child(ren) to do
2. Have a family meeting to discuss what your expectation is and when the chores will begin as well as the consequences of what will happen if the chores are not done
3. Be flexible as you establish these new routines. Rome wasn’t built in a day, nor will your tweens and teens easily accept a new set of responsibilities without some grumbling. Stay consistent with your expectations of them and stay sane!
For more tips like these, look for my weekly blog. Click here to download my Moms Can Have It All worksheet.
Best wishes,
C. Lynn Williams – #MsParentguru
Desperate for Love…
Some of us marry to close that gaping hole. Others of us have sex early in our lives; maybe we have children (earlier than we are ready) that we hope will love us and fill that void. 
What we find is that NOTHING fills that void like a relationship with God. But as little girls, before we know God, we know our parents. As I watch programs like Being Mary Jane… or any reality show that deals with society’s view of relationships, I want you to know is that, the very first love that a young girl knows is with her father. She determines that by how much he provides emotional support and is present in her life. The second but equally important relationship is her relationship with her mother. Here she learns what is acceptable and what isn’t. Programs like Empire or Scandal may be entertaining, but the situations are fake. We have to teach our daughters that those are actors, who are paid to act a certain way. Teach them not to idolize the lifestyle shown in these programs; this is not real life.
If we want daughters that grow up without gaping holes, we must tell them w
e love them. We must show them we love them by making time for them and being patient as they grow and mature. We have to use words that heal instead of those that tear down. She is not a little b*&^%! If we want them to respect themselves, we (women) have to upgrade our standards for ourselves by walking away from dysfunctional relationships. Not every man is the one for you. If he is married, leave him alone. Take time to take care of you. Let’s focus on taking care of our bodies, mind and spirit too.
Let’s move away from desperate, damaged and defeated to caring, courageous, and CONFIDENT!
Interested in learning more about parenting, self-care & self-love? Contact Ms. Parent Guru (by email) to register for her parent mentoring program for Mothers and Daughters. Email her at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Generational Development Strategist
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
What’s the Benefit of Parenting Classes?
Parenting wаѕ а process that one took up naturally without any trace of self-doubt; thоѕе good 
old days are virtually passé. Aѕ humans, we are blessed with а lifelong sense of nurturing, and it іѕ thіѕ trait that sets uѕ араrt frоm thе оthеr species thаt constitute thе animal kingdom. Thе progress іn time brought аbоut а definitive change іn оur lifestyle, whісh аlѕо called fоr а change іn оur outlook towards parenting.
Previously, parenting wаѕ always thought оf аѕ instinct thаt уоu wеrе born wіth, аnd уоu simply hаd tо hone іt. Thе adage thаt ‘parents know best‘ wаѕ ѕоmеthіng wе always took fоr granted. Preparing fоr parenthood wаѕ а completely alien concept, bесаuѕе wе totally lеt nature decide thе course оf оur behavior аѕ parents-tо-bе. Nоt thаt іt wаѕ wrong іn аnу way, but thе advent оf prenatal classes changed аll thаt. 
Originally aimed аt young оr single mothers, prenatal classes spearheaded thе change іn thе mindsets оf many traditionalists whо frowned оn thе concept оf training а mother tо bе а mother. Fоr young parents, hоwеvеr, prenatal classes wеrе а godsend. Parenting classes today аrе no longer limited tо new parents. Yоu have classes thаt help уоu deal wіth а wide spectrum оf parental issues like anger management, looking after children wіth special needs, dealing wіth bullying оr abuse; thеrе аrе sessions thаt deal specifically wіth raising teens, аnd frankly, thеrе іѕn’t а parent whо wоuld refuse help whеn іt comes tо interacting wіth teenagers.
What do Parenting Classes Teach?
Thе benefits оf parenting classes аrе many, but thе best thing аbоut taking one іѕ thе amount оf confidence іt instills іn уоu. Yоu аrе better equipped tо deal wіth different challenges thаt parenthood throws аt уоu.
Thеrе іѕ а fine line bеtwееn being authoritative аnd autocratic. Aѕ parents, іt often appears blurred. Thіѕ іѕ one оf thе main reasons thаt cause differences. Professional advice іn ѕuсh cases often proves helpful.
“Am I а Bad Parent?”
Cеrtаіnlу nоt. On thе contrary, good parents аrе thоѕе whо accept thеіr mistakes, аnd reach оut fоr help whеn thеу find thеmѕеlvеѕ falling short. Thеу аrе аlѕо іn touch wіth reality, having dispelled аll illusions оf being thе ‘perfect parent’.
To be continued next week…
Interested in learning more about parent mentoring? Contact Ms. Parent Guru by email to receive information on her upcoming parent mentoring program for Mothers and Daughters. Email her at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Generational Development Strategist
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Is There a War Going on Between Fathers & Sons?
Ms. Parent Guru wants to know what is going on with the violence between fathers and sons. I get it when dads say “You can’t let your son get away with anything….If you give an inch, he will take a mile.” I realize that there is
a level of respect that every man wants his son to have for him. What is hard to understand is the aggression that seems to go along with the level of respect that fathers require from their sons.
Thinking back, my dad required respect from all of us, not just my brother. He hugged my sister and I, but I don’t remember seeing him hug my brother. He was from the school of hard knocks for boys. That’s the idea that some fathers tell me – “If I am not hard on him, he will not grow up and become a Man!”
Does that type of thinking push sons over the edge? I mean what could possibly be the reason that Thomas Gilbert Jr would kill his father over a decrease in allowance. What would cause Duffy Grogan to shoot his father? And what type of relationship existed between a father and his son would cause Marvin Gaye Sr. to shoot his own flesh and blood? 
There are probably a number of reasons like greed, drug usage, mental illness. However, as a society, the fact that we start removing any trace of love and nurture in young boys by telling them “Stop crying, you’re acting like a girl” or telling mothers (and fathers) “If you keep hugging him (your son), he won’t become a strong man.” All of that is hogwash! Boys need nurturing just like girls. Dads: please shower lots of love and attention on your son, so that he will grow up into a wonderful man that loves himself and is able to love others as well. Hopefully we can eliminate the aggression that exists.
If you want to understand more of what makes your son tick, invest in a copy of my book, ‘The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son’. http://amzn.to/1l6PUcv If you would like to ask questions or dialogue with me about how tough adult issues affect our sons, reach out to me on Twitter @MsParentguru or on my Facebook author page www.Facebook.com/CGWWBooks. Use hashtag #WarBetweenFathersnSons
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
10 Ways to Show Love to Someone With Depression
Reblogged from Kelley – http://www.thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/
Note: I have struggled with clinical depression since I was a child. It has been a constant companion I have learned to manage and while I am better now than I have ever been, every so often I feel it returning. I describe it to my husband as a “demon eating my brain.” I have compiled this list from personal experiences that have been helpful to me. It is not intended to replace medical attention which can help many people who suffer from this illness.
Do You Love Someone With Depression?
If you have a partner or are close to someone who struggles with depression, you may not always know how to show them you love them. One day they may seem fine, and the next they are sad, distant and may push you away. It is important that you know that as a person who is close to them and trusted by them, you can help your friend or partner have shorter, less severe bouts of depression. Mental illness is as real as physical illness (it is physical actually, read more about that here) and your partner needs you as much as they would need to be cared for if they had the flu.
Your relationship may seem one-sided during these times, but by helping your partner through a very difficult and painful affliction, you are strengthening your relationship and their mental health in the long term.
1. Help them keep clutter at bay.
When a person begins spiraling into depression, they may feel like they are slowing down while the world around them speeds up. The mail may end up in stacks, dishes can pile up in the sink, laundry may go undone as the depressed person begins to feel more and more overwhelmed by their daily routine and unable to keep up. By giving your partner some extra help sorting mail, washing dishes or using paper plates and keeping chaos in check in general, you’ll be giving them (and yourself) the gift of a calm environment. (I’m a fan of the minimalist movement because of this, you can read more about that here.)
2. Fix them a healthy meal.
Your partner may do one of two things when they are in a depressed state. They may eat very little, or they may overeat. In either case, they may find that driving through a fast food restaurant or ordering a pizza online is just easier than fixing a meal. Eating like this, or neglecting to eat will only degrade your partner’s health, causing her to go deeper into her depression. Help your loved one keep her body healthy, and her mind will follow. This is a great article that talks about the “Brain Diet” which can help the symptoms of depression, and this article talks about how our modern diet could contribute to the recent rise in depression. Here is a recipe for a trail mix that is quick to make and has mood-boosting properties.
3.Get them outside.
The benefits of getting outside for a depressed person are huge. And it is possibly the last thing on earth your partner will want to do. Take them to be somewhere in nature. Pack a picnic and lie in the sun, take a leisurely hike (exercise is an effective mood booster!) or plant a garden. Being barefoot in the dirt, or “earthing” helps ground the body and reverse the effects of living in a world of emf’s, and digging in soil can actually act as an antidepressant, as a strain of bacterium in soil, Mycobacterium vaccae, triggers the release of seratonin, which in turn elevates mood and decreases anxiety. Sunshine increases Vitamin D production which can help alleviate depression. My friend Elizabeth wrote an excellent post about Vitamin D and its link to depression here. For more information about other sources of Vitamin D, this is a great post as well as this.
4. Ask them to help you understand what they’re feeling.
If your partner is able to articulate what they are going through, it will help them and you better understand what you are dealing with, and may give insight into a plan of action for helping your partner. Also, feeling alone is common for a depressed person and anything that combats that feeling will help alleviate the severity and length of the depression.
5. Encourage them to focus on self-care.
Depressed people often stop taking care of themselves. Showering, getting haircuts, going to the doctor or dentist, it’s all just too hard, and they don’t deserve to be well taken care of anyway in their minds. This can snowball quickly into greater feelings of worthlessness since “Now I’m such a mess, no one could ever love me”. Help your loved one by being proactive. Tell them “I’m going to do the dishes, why don’t you go enjoy a bubble bath?” can give them the permission they won’t give themselves to do something normal, healthy and self-loving.
6. Hug them.
Studies show that a sincere hug that lasts longer than 20 seconds can release feel-good chemicals in the brain and elevate the mood of the giver and receiver. Depressed people often don’t want to be touched, but a sincere hug with no expectation of anything further can give your partner a lift.
7. Laugh with them.
Telling a silly joke, watching a comedy or seeing a stand up comedian will encourage your partner to laugh in spite of herself. Laughing releases endorphins and studies show can actually counteract symptoms of depression and anxiety.
8. Reassure them that you can handle their feelings.
Your partner may be feeling worthless, angry and even guilty while they are depressed. They may be afraid that they will end up alone because no one will put up with their episodes forever. Reassure them that you are in the relationship for the long haul and they won’t scare you away because they have an illness.
9. Challenge their destructive thoughts.
A depressed person’s mind can be a never-ending loop of painful, destructive thoughts. “I’m unlovable, I’m a failure, I’m ugly, I’m stupid”. Challenge these untruths with the truth. “You’re not unlovable, I love you. You aren’t a failure, here are all the things you’ve accomplished.”
10.Remind them why you love them.
Look at pictures of happy times you’ve had together. Tell them your favorite things about them. Reminisce about your relationship and all the positive things that have happened, and remind your partner that you love them and they will get through this.
My friend Julie who blogs at Real Fit Mama has a great post about more things you can do to help with depression. Go have a look here! She also wrote a post about finding true happiness here.
This list is in no way exhaustive. I’d love for this to start a conversation, please leave the ways you have found to love someone with depression in the comments.
Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Having Babies is For Grown Women©
I am so mad! “Who are you mad at” I ask myself. I am mad at them AND us! I am mad at all of the young girls who fell for the okeydoke that boys in heat tell them to satisfy their sexual curiosities. I’m mad when the girl’s best friend or mother suggests that they get an abortion and they say “No I plan to take care of this baby by myself.” But they have no idea how. I’m mad at the mothers who don’t talk to their daughters honestly and far enough in advance (age 8) about how our bodies will betray us by thoroughly enjoying that one time of thoroughly enjoyable sex and becoming pregnant. Tell your girls it only takes one time and the next thing you know you have another human being that you are responsible for. For mothers who had babies as teens, and refuse to talk openly with their daughters so that they don’t repeat that cycle of babies having babies, shame on you! Please tell them that taking birth control prevents pregnancy, but if they are promiscuous, they can catch genital herpes, pubic lice or syphilis just to name a few STIs. Tell them that girls are hard-wired differently than boys, and when we have sex, we fall in love. Doesn’t mean you like that boy, but you love him, you stop focusing on things that are important to you, and lose your mind over ‘that boy’.
I’m mad at those girls who are headstrong and expect their mothers and grandmothers to take care of their babies so they can grow up! You need a support system that goes beyond your mother & grandmother. It’s not easy raising kids. So babysit for your girlfriends and ask them to watch your kids too. If you have sisters, ask her to watch your child. If you want to attend college, take your baby with you and place it in the school’s day care center while you attend classes. That’s what grown women do. Will you miss the Friday and Saturday night parties? Probably so…
When I was a pre-teen, my mom & I had the ‘talk’. The gist of the talk was that I was to be respectable and not sleep around. If I couldn’t wait until marriage to have sex, I was to protect myself with birth control. Under no circumstances was I to bring home a baby and not be married to the baby’s father. Then she sent me to Teen Scene, a program initiated by the Chicago area Planned Parenthood to offer sex information and education to teens. They also handed out birth control pills, which makes people mad. Why? Because parents are the ones who are supposed to tell their daughters about sex & birth control right? Okay self- righteous people. Then I’m mad you and at church folk who refuse to remember when they were mistake-making teens and won’t share their experiences with the teens in their church.
I’m mad at men who don’t tell their sons the truth about what it means to be a father at 14 or 15; that being a father is not how many girls you’ve gotten pregnant, but how many children you are able to take care of and watch grow up. Please stop telling your son, “It’s probably not yours”. I realize that some girls have multiple sexual partners, but a word to the wise, if he slept with her, it’s a possibility it’s his! There is nothing wrong with testing for paternity, but also have him get a part-time job, so he can help his girl take care of their baby.
Sex is great, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. No, let me rephrase that – sex with a person you love and enjoy is great! The first time it’s probably terrible, especially if your first time is in a boys’ bathroom, in an alley, the back of a car, as a result of rape, or when you are not ready.
The stakes are high. For girls and women who had children while a teen and finished school, raised great kids, this conversation is NOT FOR YOU!
Hey Young Girls who are saving your virginity until you marry; this conversation is NOT FOR YOU! Grown folks, the mistakes of our children, are our mistakes too! Talk to those you mentor with honesty & love.
If you liked what you read, follow my blog for more articles, info and camaraderie with other people just like you & me. Reach out to me on Twitter (@cgwwbook) or Facebook (CGWWBooks)
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Just Let Go
Eagle and her babies
Ever had a problem that you could not resolve? Sometimes that’s what parenting is to me, a series of problems (challenges) that seem momentarily unresolvable. The kid that was never a problem growing up, is suddenly a thorn in your side when they move into their 20s. You think, by the time they reach their twenties, you have completed your job as a parent. However, many of our adult children come back home and then what? Or maybe you had high hopes for that child that you waited years for, and once they came into your life, they never have the aspirations to stand on their own and make a living. In fact they are still ‘living’ with you. What do you do?
As mothers, I think it’s doubly hard to push our eaglets out of the nest. I know birds do it all the time, but human mothers are different from animals because we have reasoning abilities. We say to ourselves, ‘well they’re (our children) having a hard time finding a job’ or ‘he’s running with the wrong crowd’ or ‘if I were a better parent, she would be doing ______’ or ‘if I don’t help them, who will?’
We make lots of excuses to ourselves and others when our kids (young or old) have not succeeded the way we would like. It’s probably one of the most painful lessons a mother or father face (in their parenting career). Today let’s use a phrase I learned years ago called “Let Go and Let God”. Unless your child is disabled (mentally or physically), let’s gently push them out of our nest. Encourage them to take that next step, stop making excuses for them, and stop doing things that cripple them. I know it seems scary, but isn’t our job to help them grow into adults that can take care of themselves? #Parenting101
Blogpost Comments