Posts tagged ‘fathers’
10 Ways to Show Love to Someone With Depression
Reblogged from Kelley – http://www.thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/
Note: I have struggled with clinical depression since I was a child. It has been a constant companion I have learned to manage and while I am better now than I have ever been, every so often I feel it returning. I describe it to my husband as a “demon eating my brain.” I have compiled this list from personal experiences that have been helpful to me. It is not intended to replace medical attention which can help many people who suffer from this illness.
Do You Love Someone With Depression?
If you have a partner or are close to someone who struggles with depression, you may not always know how to show them you love them. One day they may seem fine, and the next they are sad, distant and may push you away. It is important that you know that as a person who is close to them and trusted by them, you can help your friend or partner have shorter, less severe bouts of depression. Mental illness is as real as physical illness (it is physical actually, read more about that here) and your partner needs you as much as they would need to be cared for if they had the flu.
Your relationship may seem one-sided during these times, but by helping your partner through a very difficult and painful affliction, you are strengthening your relationship and their mental health in the long term.
1. Help them keep clutter at bay.
When a person begins spiraling into depression, they may feel like they are slowing down while the world around them speeds up. The mail may end up in stacks, dishes can pile up in the sink, laundry may go undone as the depressed person begins to feel more and more overwhelmed by their daily routine and unable to keep up. By giving your partner some extra help sorting mail, washing dishes or using paper plates and keeping chaos in check in general, you’ll be giving them (and yourself) the gift of a calm environment. (I’m a fan of the minimalist movement because of this, you can read more about that here.)
2. Fix them a healthy meal.
Your partner may do one of two things when they are in a depressed state. They may eat very little, or they may overeat. In either case, they may find that driving through a fast food restaurant or ordering a pizza online is just easier than fixing a meal. Eating like this, or neglecting to eat will only degrade your partner’s health, causing her to go deeper into her depression. Help your loved one keep her body healthy, and her mind will follow. This is a great article that talks about the “Brain Diet” which can help the symptoms of depression, and this article talks about how our modern diet could contribute to the recent rise in depression. Here is a recipe for a trail mix that is quick to make and has mood-boosting properties.
3.Get them outside.
The benefits of getting outside for a depressed person are huge. And it is possibly the last thing on earth your partner will want to do. Take them to be somewhere in nature. Pack a picnic and lie in the sun, take a leisurely hike (exercise is an effective mood booster!) or plant a garden. Being barefoot in the dirt, or “earthing” helps ground the body and reverse the effects of living in a world of emf’s, and digging in soil can actually act as an antidepressant, as a strain of bacterium in soil, Mycobacterium vaccae, triggers the release of seratonin, which in turn elevates mood and decreases anxiety. Sunshine increases Vitamin D production which can help alleviate depression. My friend Elizabeth wrote an excellent post about Vitamin D and its link to depression here. For more information about other sources of Vitamin D, this is a great post as well as this.
4. Ask them to help you understand what they’re feeling.
If your partner is able to articulate what they are going through, it will help them and you better understand what you are dealing with, and may give insight into a plan of action for helping your partner. Also, feeling alone is common for a depressed person and anything that combats that feeling will help alleviate the severity and length of the depression.
5. Encourage them to focus on self-care.
Depressed people often stop taking care of themselves. Showering, getting haircuts, going to the doctor or dentist, it’s all just too hard, and they don’t deserve to be well taken care of anyway in their minds. This can snowball quickly into greater feelings of worthlessness since “Now I’m such a mess, no one could ever love me”. Help your loved one by being proactive. Tell them “I’m going to do the dishes, why don’t you go enjoy a bubble bath?” can give them the permission they won’t give themselves to do something normal, healthy and self-loving.
6. Hug them.
Studies show that a sincere hug that lasts longer than 20 seconds can release feel-good chemicals in the brain and elevate the mood of the giver and receiver. Depressed people often don’t want to be touched, but a sincere hug with no expectation of anything further can give your partner a lift.
7. Laugh with them.
Telling a silly joke, watching a comedy or seeing a stand up comedian will encourage your partner to laugh in spite of herself. Laughing releases endorphins and studies show can actually counteract symptoms of depression and anxiety.
8. Reassure them that you can handle their feelings.
Your partner may be feeling worthless, angry and even guilty while they are depressed. They may be afraid that they will end up alone because no one will put up with their episodes forever. Reassure them that you are in the relationship for the long haul and they won’t scare you away because they have an illness.
9. Challenge their destructive thoughts.
A depressed person’s mind can be a never-ending loop of painful, destructive thoughts. “I’m unlovable, I’m a failure, I’m ugly, I’m stupid”. Challenge these untruths with the truth. “You’re not unlovable, I love you. You aren’t a failure, here are all the things you’ve accomplished.”
10.Remind them why you love them.
Look at pictures of happy times you’ve had together. Tell them your favorite things about them. Reminisce about your relationship and all the positive things that have happened, and remind your partner that you love them and they will get through this.
My friend Julie who blogs at Real Fit Mama has a great post about more things you can do to help with depression. Go have a look here! She also wrote a post about finding true happiness here.
This list is in no way exhaustive. I’d love for this to start a conversation, please leave the ways you have found to love someone with depression in the comments.
Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Having Babies is For Grown Women©
I am so mad! “Who are you mad at” I ask myself. I am mad at them AND us! I am mad at all of the young girls who fell for the okeydoke that boys in heat tell them to satisfy their sexual curiosities. I’m mad when the girl’s best friend or mother suggests that they get an abortion and they say “No I plan to take care of this baby by myself.” But they have no idea how. I’m mad at the mothers who don’t talk to their daughters honestly and far enough in advance (age 8) about how our bodies will betray us by thoroughly enjoying that one time of thoroughly enjoyable sex and becoming pregnant. Tell your girls it only takes one time and the next thing you know you have another human being that you are responsible for. For mothers who had babies as teens, and refuse to talk openly with their daughters so that they don’t repeat that cycle of babies having babies, shame on you! Please tell them that taking birth control prevents pregnancy, but if they are promiscuous, they can catch genital herpes, pubic lice or syphilis just to name a few STIs. Tell them that girls are hard-wired differently than boys, and when we have sex, we fall in love. Doesn’t mean you like that boy, but you love him, you stop focusing on things that are important to you, and lose your mind over ‘that boy’.
I’m mad at those girls who are headstrong and expect their mothers and grandmothers to take care of their babies so they can grow up! You need a support system that goes beyond your mother & grandmother. It’s not easy raising kids. So babysit for your girlfriends and ask them to watch your kids too. If you have sisters, ask her to watch your child. If you want to attend college, take your baby with you and place it in the school’s day care center while you attend classes. That’s what grown women do. Will you miss the Friday and Saturday night parties? Probably so…
When I was a pre-teen, my mom & I had the ‘talk’. The gist of the talk was that I was to be respectable and not sleep around. If I couldn’t wait until marriage to have sex, I was to protect myself with birth control. Under no circumstances was I to bring home a baby and not be married to the baby’s father. Then she sent me to Teen Scene, a program initiated by the Chicago area Planned Parenthood to offer sex information and education to teens. They also handed out birth control pills, which makes people mad. Why? Because parents are the ones who are supposed to tell their daughters about sex & birth control right? Okay self- righteous people. Then I’m mad you and at church folk who refuse to remember when they were mistake-making teens and won’t share their experiences with the teens in their church.
I’m mad at men who don’t tell their sons the truth about what it means to be a father at 14 or 15; that being a father is not how many girls you’ve gotten pregnant, but how many children you are able to take care of and watch grow up. Please stop telling your son, “It’s probably not yours”. I realize that some girls have multiple sexual partners, but a word to the wise, if he slept with her, it’s a possibility it’s his! There is nothing wrong with testing for paternity, but also have him get a part-time job, so he can help his girl take care of their baby.
Sex is great, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. No, let me rephrase that – sex with a person you love and enjoy is great! The first time it’s probably terrible, especially if your first time is in a boys’ bathroom, in an alley, the back of a car, as a result of rape, or when you are not ready.
The stakes are high. For girls and women who had children while a teen and finished school, raised great kids, this conversation is NOT FOR YOU!
Hey Young Girls who are saving your virginity until you marry; this conversation is NOT FOR YOU! Grown folks, the mistakes of our children, are our mistakes too! Talk to those you mentor with honesty & love.
If you liked what you read, follow my blog for more articles, info and camaraderie with other people just like you & me. Reach out to me on Twitter (@cgwwbook) or Facebook (CGWWBooks)
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Just Let Go
Eagle and her babies
Ever had a problem that you could not resolve? Sometimes that’s what parenting is to me, a series of problems (challenges) that seem momentarily unresolvable. The kid that was never a problem growing up, is suddenly a thorn in your side when they move into their 20s. You think, by the time they reach their twenties, you have completed your job as a parent. However, many of our adult children come back home and then what? Or maybe you had high hopes for that child that you waited years for, and once they came into your life, they never have the aspirations to stand on their own and make a living. In fact they are still ‘living’ with you. What do you do?
As mothers, I think it’s doubly hard to push our eaglets out of the nest. I know birds do it all the time, but human mothers are different from animals because we have reasoning abilities. We say to ourselves, ‘well they’re (our children) having a hard time finding a job’ or ‘he’s running with the wrong crowd’ or ‘if I were a better parent, she would be doing ______’ or ‘if I don’t help them, who will?’
We make lots of excuses to ourselves and others when our kids (young or old) have not succeeded the way we would like. It’s probably one of the most painful lessons a mother or father face (in their parenting career). Today let’s use a phrase I learned years ago called “Let Go and Let God”. Unless your child is disabled (mentally or physically), let’s gently push them out of our nest. Encourage them to take that next step, stop making excuses for them, and stop doing things that cripple them. I know it seems scary, but isn’t our job to help them grow into adults that can take care of themselves? #Parenting101
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Mothers – What’s Happening to Our Sons?
It’s been little more than a month since the Newtown shootings, and as a mother, I am still at a complete loss for how a son could kill his mother. I have two sons, my own and one I lovingly inherited when I married his father. I love them both and while I have had difficult conversations and tense moments with both sons, never in my wildest nightmares, would I imagine dying by their hand.
While we will never hear Nancy Lanza’s story about her relationship with her son Adam (the shooter), I came across an article where she cautioned one of her son’s babysitters to never turn his back on her son. Can you imagine living with a person and not being able to turn your back on him? http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57559502/ex-babysitter-says-newtown-conn-school-shooter-adam-lanzas-mother-warned-dont-turn-your-back/
When we raise our sons, we pour so much love, attention, (hopefully) discipline, values and the kitchen sink into our boys, and yet many of them end up being killed, killing others, or going to prison. Mothers, where are we failing and why?
I also came across another article, where another mother lost her only son to gun violence and he was a good kid! We always think our sons are good kids! But this teen did what he was told; went to school every day (one of my requirements); obeyed his mother; and yet was randomly shot in the back after leaving a basketball game. http://my.chicagotribune.com/#section/544/article/p2p-74054502/
I’d like my sons to grow into wonderful men with families and great careers, like my dad and granddad. Is that too much to ask these days?
C. Lynn Williams
Author and Parenting Coach
#msparentguru
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Dads Are Parents Too
I just heard a commercial explaining that fathers had rights too! In my heart I know that that’s true, but I remembered how absent my father was when he and my mom first divorced. How empty I felt. Where was he? A friend of mine is separated from her husband and when he arranges to see his daughters, he often stays away. Fathers, you are the first love of your daughter. She learns how to treat a man by the way you treat her. Let her know you love and cherish her. Don’t fink out!
Back to School Kits for Parents
Kids aren’t the only ones who need school supplies!
Parents hit me up if you need a Back to School parenting kit.
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
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