Posts tagged ‘Parent’
Gun Violence Begins at Home
Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, all I wanted was to be accepted for who I was – glasses and all, and look like my best girlfriend Susan. What I later learned is that it wouldn’t have mattered what I looked like, because most kids wanted to look like or be someone else.
While most of my friends had strict parents, I didn’t have any close friends (that I knew of) whose parents were verbally (or physically) cruel. I say that because as a kid we had parental permission to visit our close friends and I often watched how my friends’ moms and dads interacted with them. Yes I’ve been fascinated with family dynamics since I was a kid. I know what it’s like to grow up in a house where you’re constantly criticized or made to feel bad for who you are. I’ve seen it firsthand. As a child, it feels awful to be constantly criticized.
I also feel sorry for parents who expect to have (what they consider to be) normal kids, who aren’t. Maybe the child is sick, disabled/handicapped or have a different sexual orientation. It’s understandable to expect your child to grow up and be awesome! All parents want that. But when your child grows up and chooses a career or life that you did not expect or don’t value as acceptable, what do you do?
I believe you internalize your disappointment and think you’ve failed as a parent. Depending on your upbringing, you become critical of that young man or woman and say hurtful things that create division and separation. But let me tell you what can happen to that young man or woman; they feel rejected and hurt. You may never hear those feelings because it’s not safe for them to share them with you. If the dynamics in your household is violence and anger, they internalize that too.
Think about it! The gun violence over the last 6 years has often been random and impersonal. As a kid, if you haven’t been hugged, kissed or told how much you are loved (by your parents); if your only validation was to be told ‘How stupid you are’, ‘You’ll never amount to anything’, ‘I wish you were never born’ or ‘Shut up’; you’re ignored or beaten, it is easy to see how you would internalize those feelings and become bitter.
Anytime I read or hear about a mass or random shooting, I wonder what kind of environment that person grew up in. Were they loved, nurtured and well-cared for? Or were they allowed to do their own thing and somewhat ignored because their parents worked (a lot), didn’t know how to reach out to them, didn’t care. 
I am truly sorry for the mass shootings in Orlando, as well as the daily shootings in Chicago. Folks wake up! It’s not too late to reestablish a loving relationship with your child – no matter how old they are. ♥♥
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Coach & Author
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)
3 Ways to Avoid Cincinnati Zoo Parenting
I normally try to avoid the nightly news, because it’s always so sensational and it seems that each 
network tries to outdo the other network with the worst possible things that humans are doing to each other. My ears pricked up last night when the news reported that a four year old boy crawled/fell through the barriers at the Cincinnati Zoo, was dragged by the gorilla (probably a mother) and rescued by zoo officials after the gorilla was killed.
I felt outraged! How in the world did he get through the barriers? WHERE WAS HIS MOTHER when this happened?
Okay moms before you yell that boys are quicker than the blinking eye – I completely agree. My own son was three when I noticed him smiling (like he just got into something) and running from my bathroom. I caught him and got a whiff of what smelled like fingernail polish remover. My question to myself was how did he get away from me that quickly – it seemed like seconds! But it only takes seconds for your kid to get away from you and unfortunately in this case, he’s slid into the gorilla habitat with Harambe, an endangered and well-loved gorilla.
She was on her phone… Doggone it! Being on your phone with any four year old is dangerous – boy or girl. It only takes a minute for them to get into something. Our phones can take our attention away so quickly that minutes go by like seconds. She probably thought – “who just texted me”. The next thing she knew, her son was gone. She is really lucky that her son is alive. Having raised one son from birth, and another as a bonus, I know boys. They are wonderful but do unexpected things a lot!
Here are three (3) things to remember when raising boys:
- Pay attention at all times especially once he starts crawling through his 6th birthday
- Believe that he can reach anything he sets his mind to – he has No Fear
- They will tell you whatever you want to hear – meaning he won’t always be truthful
Interested in learning more about what makes your son tick? Pick up a copy of my book – The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son. Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams – #MsParentguru
Author, Coach & Family Dynamics Specialist
What’s the Benefit of Parenting Classes?
Parenting wаѕ а process that one took up naturally without any trace of self-doubt; thоѕе good 
old days are virtually passé. Aѕ humans, we are blessed with а lifelong sense of nurturing, and it іѕ thіѕ trait that sets uѕ араrt frоm thе оthеr species thаt constitute thе animal kingdom. Thе progress іn time brought аbоut а definitive change іn оur lifestyle, whісh аlѕо called fоr а change іn оur outlook towards parenting.
Previously, parenting wаѕ always thought оf аѕ instinct thаt уоu wеrе born wіth, аnd уоu simply hаd tо hone іt. Thе adage thаt ‘parents know best‘ wаѕ ѕоmеthіng wе always took fоr granted. Preparing fоr parenthood wаѕ а completely alien concept, bесаuѕе wе totally lеt nature decide thе course оf оur behavior аѕ parents-tо-bе. Nоt thаt іt wаѕ wrong іn аnу way, but thе advent оf prenatal classes changed аll thаt. 
Originally aimed аt young оr single mothers, prenatal classes spearheaded thе change іn thе mindsets оf many traditionalists whо frowned оn thе concept оf training а mother tо bе а mother. Fоr young parents, hоwеvеr, prenatal classes wеrе а godsend. Parenting classes today аrе no longer limited tо new parents. Yоu have classes thаt help уоu deal wіth а wide spectrum оf parental issues like anger management, looking after children wіth special needs, dealing wіth bullying оr abuse; thеrе аrе sessions thаt deal specifically wіth raising teens, аnd frankly, thеrе іѕn’t а parent whо wоuld refuse help whеn іt comes tо interacting wіth teenagers.
What do Parenting Classes Teach?
Thе benefits оf parenting classes аrе many, but thе best thing аbоut taking one іѕ thе amount оf confidence іt instills іn уоu. Yоu аrе better equipped tо deal wіth different challenges thаt parenthood throws аt уоu.
Thеrе іѕ а fine line bеtwееn being authoritative аnd autocratic. Aѕ parents, іt often appears blurred. Thіѕ іѕ one оf thе main reasons thаt cause differences. Professional advice іn ѕuсh cases often proves helpful.
“Am I а Bad Parent?”
Cеrtаіnlу nоt. On thе contrary, good parents аrе thоѕе whо accept thеіr mistakes, аnd reach оut fоr help whеn thеу find thеmѕеlvеѕ falling short. Thеу аrе аlѕо іn touch wіth reality, having dispelled аll illusions оf being thе ‘perfect parent’.
To be continued next week…
Interested in learning more about parent mentoring? Contact Ms. Parent Guru by email to receive information on her upcoming parent mentoring program for Mothers and Daughters. Email her at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Generational Development Strategist
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
I Accept You Just As You Are
Have a teen or adult child with a secret? Not just any secret, their sexuality secret? Did they tell you or you just ‘knew’ that they preferred same sex mates? What did you do with that information? Did you ostracize them or tell them that you accept them for who they are?
The beautiful thing about being parents, is that we not only have the task of raising teens into wonderful adults, we also need to listen with non-judgmental ears when they tell us things about themselves – especially things that may be different from us. If your teen feels that you don’t or won’t accept them for who they are, they begin to lose trust in you and in themselves. If you won’t accept them, what’s the chance that society will accept them? Who do they go to share their “weight of the world” secrets? Many teens who feel that they can’t talk to anyone (their secret is so bad), commit suicide.
Here are some words you may share if or when you need them.
“It’s time for you to move forward with your life and stop worrying about whether you will be accepted for who you are. I’ve known (intuitively) that you had a different sexual preference since your high school / college days. It’s okay with me. Don’t worry about your father either. None of us has the right to cast stones. There is no reason to feel ashamed or have any other feelings that make you feel depressed, unworthy, needing to hide. It’s important (to me) that you live an authentic life, full of love. Be who you are and leave those other concerns behind you. You are important to me. You are safe and perfect just as you are. I love you.”
As parents, we have the responsibility for raising our children, and we also have the choice of accepting them for who they are. We may not like decisions that they ultimately make, but God doesn’t always like the decisions that we make. Accepting our kids for who they are helps them build self-acceptance and self-esteem. We also have to be okay that our friends, family and church may not agree with or accept our child’s sexuality. Thinking now about how you want to handle discussions with your family, friends or pastor, would be a great idea.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
Patiently Waiting for Dad
As I travel back to my hometown, I think about my annual weekend visit spent with my dad. We talk weekly, but seeing Dad face to face is another story altogether. Over the phone he sounds pretty normal; a little more cantankerous the older he gets, but still my wonderful dad. Up close, I get to see how time has started to slow his walk considerably and determines how many household chores he is able to accomplish at any one time. Seeing him, I understand that it really is difficult to cook dinner and talk to me on the phone at the same time, because he has to focus.
Although he is prescription and disease free, his short-term memory comes and goes, which is really scary. During our weekend together, I didn’t understand his need to stay in the house and decided he was just being a stick-in-the mud. 
I remembered that “he’s eighty-one years old, and while he looks to be in his early seventies, his body (and mind) probably feel his actual age. Did I mention that he doesn’t have the modern conveniences I think all households have – cable TV and Internet access? So once I got it into my technology driven mind that Dad lived in the horse & buggy era, I collected my thoughts, reminded myself how glad I was to have a dad that loved me and who was alive, and I challenged him to a game of Scrabble. Parenting 101: enjoy your family with the tools that are readily available! Guess What? His mind was alert enough to beat me by nine points! Ahhh.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
When Is Close Too Close?
Is there ever a time when is a Parent – Child relationship too close?
What does that mean? If you spend time with your son or daughter or talk on the phone daily, is that too close? Does your close relationship interfere with your ability to parent that child? If the lines are blurred, meaning you such good friends, that you can’t give well-deserved consequences for misbehaving, then YES, you are probably too close.
I believe that teenagers and parents can’t be friends because when you need to discipline them or expect them to follow your rules, because they won’t understand how you’ve switched from friend to parent and may not obey you. On the other hand, if you are an aloof parent – the kind that just administers rules and won’t allow a close relationship to develop between you and your tween or teen, how do they learn that important skill of allowing others to be close to them?
However, what happens when your child becomes an adult and a real friendship develops? How much sharing is too much? Can you go out together and drink socially? Can you share the disappointments that you are experiencing in your own life? How do you maintain those relationships in a friendly way and yet not get hurt, the way adults do when one ‘friend’ feels differently or doesn’t respond in a way that you expect? We recently had a social event, and one of my friends, (she’s 40ish), told me that she asked her mother not to attend, so she could comfortably go and ‘have fun’. I had a completely different experience with my mother. Once I went away to school, we became friends and it was not uncommon to come home during break and be part of one my Mom’s famous parties. We’d have a blast!
So share your experiences with your mother. Email me at: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
Hope you will follow some of my new #blogger friends:
Phil Rowlands Blog: Kindle Authors http://bit.ly/1ix9A3T (password: childsplay)
Christie Edwards Blog: Living Simplistically http://bit.ly/HwlFui
…
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Order My Books on Amazon.com:
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
Staying Sane While Parenting Teens
Radio Show with Lon Woodbury (September 30, 2013)
With the lack of communication between parents and their teens in homes today, today’s guest on Parent Choices for Struggling Teens, C. Lynn Williams shared some “time tested tips” and strategies for parents to “stay sane” while raising their tweens and teens with host Lon Woodbury. In order for parents to stay sane, to keep their cool and not lose their temper, the first thing parents need to do is take care of themselves! With the life changes parents are also going through, it is important to take care of yourself, get out and get some exercise and get more sleep (rather than getting by on less.) In addition, having healthy meals together as a family is a must. There are great discussions and conversations that can come up, plus you get a visual on how your teen is doing- both physically and emotionally.
Some general tips that C Lynn recommends include: consistency. Especially on this brink of adulthood, parents need to have a wall of structure and consistent follow through. “No idle threats…if you say it, then you mean it” shared Lon. Another tip: you have to remain and remember that you are the parent. You are not their friend and as a parent there are standards you have to uphold. Lastly, you need to build individual relationships with each child. Spend time exclusively with each child and get to know them because each one is different. When they need to talk, they can then come to you to talk, from building the relationship and trust together. “Find out what their ‘love language’ is, ways your child receives and accepts love, whether it is attention, gifts or words of affirmation. Yet be appropriate in praising your teen, don’t praise them unless they have truly earned it…be honest with your teen.
For those with tweens, remember they are at the age where their hormones are in full force. “They still want to please you and then the next second, they don’t like you.” During this puberty stage there are lots of influences in your child’s life. The girls want to belong and the boys are centered on sports. This is a good time to get your child involved in extracurricular activities. They need to be kept busy and they need to be in a structured setting. And the good thing that comes out of this is the friendships they make, they want to please their coach, they are not sitting on the couch becoming a couch potato and they get a chance to explore their different interests.
When it comes to a parent needing to seek help for their out of control teen, “you should do so when you notice a drastic change in their behavior, their temperament, if they are quite and morose, depressed or you notice weight gain or weight loss” says C Lynn. And the first step to take is to contact the school and make an appointment with the school psychologist. “Just talk to your kid and if they won’t talk, seek help.”
“Parents need support, like in the old days; everyone on the block would look out for each other’s kids. We need to get back to that again. Involve the teachers, involve the neighbors, give them your phone number and have them call you if they see something not right with your child.
To listen to the full interview, go to Staying Sane While Parenting Teens on LATalkRadio
Contact:
Lon Woodbury, MA, CEP, IECA
208-267-5550
lonwoodbury@gmail.com
http://www.strugglingteens.com
Featuring:
C. Lynn Williams
Parenting Coach, Author, Speaker
224-357-6315
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
www.clynnwilliams.com
Surviving Loss
One of my former students lost her mother yesterday. Her daughter, (also a former student) told me about it today and it took me back five years ago when I lost my own mother. My initial feels of numbness and grief, turned into days of feeling lost and disconnected. Then I could hardly put two thoughts together without being reduced to tears. Weird huh?
What was funny about my reaction after losing my mother was that my sister was closest to my mom; they talked regularly throughout the day, and were cooking and drinking buddies. My mom and I talked daily but relied on each other in different ways. Being more private in my thoughts I didn’t feel the need to share everything with my mom. She taught me how to be resourceful, so I shared problems that I couldn’t figure out alone. Yet when I did share my secrets with her, I could count on her to keep them secret forever. Yes, we were mother & daughter, but we were also good friends, quite different from our relationship during my years as a teenager! Mom was my chief strategist in many ways. Her suggestions and ideas guided me through relationships, both work & personal, childrearing, and through all of my entrepreneurial pursuits. Mothers are a part of our lives in so many ways, is it possible to exist when that relationship comes to an end?
To read more about my thoughts (personal & parenting) about mother & daughter relationships, preorder a copy of my soon to be released book, “Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES!”…
C. Lynn Williams
Author & Speaker
cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
Letting Your College Student Go…
Did you ever imagine that you would be putting forlorn messages on your social media sites like ‘We just dropped my daughter off to school and I can’t stop crying’ or ‘I drove my son to school today and we’ve talked twice since then.’? What is it about parting with your part teen/part adult child that reduces us moms to emotional blobs?I believe there is something very final about taking your son or daughter to college. Your mind tells you that you will see them again soon (probably at Homecoming), and yet at that very moment, your heart is breaking into tiny pieces. In spite of the arguments and minor irritations that we face with our college-bound kids, the fact is, things will never be the same again. Yes we know they will come home for winter and summer breaks, but it won’t feel quite the same, because you both will have changed.
The summer of 2003, we drove my daughter to college. It had been fraught with argument and irritations. We could barely tolerate each other! I could not believe how many shoes she was taking to a tiny dorm room, and why was it necessary to take both cars (both her dad and I drove down, each with a carload full of items)? As much as my daughter and I love each other, the weeks leading up to her departure were tortuous! Once we arrived at her dorm, we met her roommate and her roommate’s parents, helped her get settled in, attended parent orientation and then got on the road to return home. Of course I had plenty of time to replay our final words and felt quite foolish for arguing when I knew I would miss her terribly. I cried like a baby all the way home.
So mothers & dads, if this is your son or daughter’s first year at ‘school’, you have my permission to reminisce, shed a few tears or drink a much needed glass of wine. Salute!
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! Available August, 2013 – release date Aug 23rd
We Choose People Like Our Parents
Do you believe we choose mates like our parents? My daughter certainly thinks so, and I am really wondering if parents are the reasons young women in our communities to go awry, south, crazy, whatever phrase you want to attach here.
Here’s the story: I am related or mentoring at least five women over the age of 20, who are pregnant and unmarried. Two of the young women I have known all of their lives. Their parents are hard-working people. Well their mother is hard-working; dad is retired now, but was always what my grandmother would say – ‘nickel slick’. Nickel slick is someone who knows the rules, but doesn’t always abide by the rules. These girls were raised properly, taught to respect themselves and yet seemed to follow the path of their girlfriends (getting pregnant) and not their mother. Why?
Daily I hear that social norms are changing, and marriage is passé. It’s no longer necessary to be married to have children. One of the young ladies felt that way long before she got pregnant. While I completely disagree with that line of thinking, let’s dig deeper to get at the root of the issue. Why are our daughters feeling that they have to raise children by themselves, with no husband and many times, no boyfriend? In African American communities, “Non-Hispanic black men and women aged 25-44 have lower percentages who have ever been married than non-Hispanic white and Hispanic persons of the same age.” – See more at: http://marriage.laws.com/marriage-statistics#sthash.ydfVSfgd.dpuf. According to Dr. Boyce Watkins, “black women aren’t getting married because many of the available black men are incarcerated.” http://tiny.cc/mtyjzw.
I believe the issue has to do with how we are raising our daughters. I talk about it in my new book: Raising Your Daughter: the Joys, Tears & Hormones! It’s one thing to expect your daughter to conduct herself as a lady, wait until marriage to have sex, and allow men to respect her as the beautiful woman that she is. Is that the example that she sees growing up? Is that how you conducted yourself? Was her father (your husband) faithful to you? Did he treat you kindly and respectfully? Today, many women are starved for love & attention. Maybe you don’t have a relationship with your father. Maybe you didn’t know your father. Maybe he didn’t tell you he loved you. So, the first ‘nice’ comment you receive from a guy, you have sex with him and you believe you’re in love. Major mistake! And not a mistake you want your daughter to have to learn from. Teach your daughter to have dates where nothing is required of her but her company. Matter of fact, teach her to be selective, have many dates, and decide if you like what your date is talking about. Get to know him, his family and his background before you become intimate.
Having a child should not be a ‘Rights of Passage’ for your young daughter. I guess that means you have to do a better job of picking your mate too.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter: the Joys, Tears & Hormones! Available in late summer, 2013
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
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