Posts filed under ‘Parenting’
The Divorced Kid Shuffle (reprint)
This article by Tiffany Beverlin so resonated with me as I tried to maintain a relationship with my kids and their father during and after our divorce.
– C. Lynn Williams 
www.clynnwilliams.com
I am writing this blog while having just distributed, varies suitcases, and bags to each of my children to start packing for spring break, like all holidays for most children of divorced parents, my children are expert packers and spend their lives going back and forth between my home and their fathers. It’s still the part of divorce that bothers me the most, when the children started to have to go on back and forth between us, I would have hard time holding it together long enough to pack their little cases and kiss them good bye then to watch them walk down the drive with their bags in tow before I would cir-cum to tears. Fast forward 3 years, it still bothers me, they trek their instruments, their bags, science projects they even take their tortoise and chameleon back and forth, kissing them good bye still has a bitter sweet feel, but my attitude to it has changed. Click on the link below to read more…
3 Ways to Protect Your Daughter
I went to a local viewing of Lady Sings the Blues last week and remember how much I enjoyed the music. The clothes and make-up were beautiful and the singing by Diana Ross was superb. Her life story was hard to watch and I couldn’t finish the movie. I was also reminded of how easy it was for her to be 
marginalized as a young black teenager. Everybody that was supposed to keep an eye on her had other ideas. Her mom sent her to live with her aunt (mom’s sister); she was left home to clean the house, and was molested because nobody was really looking out for her. As she became a young successful woman, it was easy to assume she was living a great life because she had the ‘look’.
I just wished Elenora/Billy Holiday’s and her mother had had a real conversation and her mom was able to offer her some true support. I believe this is where some of us are with our sons & daughters. If we’re bold enough we ask the right questions:
1. Are you having sex?
2. Are you using/selling drugs?
3. Are you dating older men?
4. Are you being sexually abused by my new husband? 
We need to be prepared to handle the answers that we may receive? Here are some ideas:
1. If your daughter’s behavior changes ask her “what’s going on“.
2. If she tells you an unbelievable story, believe her.
3. If she is being harassed or abused, support and protect her without judgement.
If we want to turn around our current and future generations, we have to be courageous and fearless. Our kids certainly are.
Discipline Disparity Between Black Boys & Everybody Else’s Son
When we African American mothers complain that the system is against our son(s), we are told that we are paranoid. Probably not.
Of course it doesn’t help when our sons are consistently targeted /stopped / jailed / shot by law enforcement officers.
When my son was three, I took him to a neighborhood in-home day care. The day care provider had three kids; two who were too young to attend school. One day when I picked up my son, she told me that he bit her youngest son. While I wasn’t surprised; he was going through a biting stage; her next words surprised me. “You better get him some help or else he’s going to be a a danger to society (not verbatim).”
While I didn’t disregard his biting behavior, I also knew we had recently relocated the family and he was moved from a home he had known and loved since birth to one that was unfamiliar to him. I also knew other sons who bit, spit and punched each other and their moms simply said “Boys will be boys“.
Understand that I am not saying our sons can do no wrong. If they are wrong, it is our responsibility to correct their behavior. Continual targeting is not the way. If you are a single mother without a positive male role model in your son’s life, then it will be hard not to take to heart what school (or daycare) officials say. Don’t believe the hype.
It’s really important to the socio-emotional health of our sons for us to protect them when it appears that they are constantly punished, suspended or jailed for acts that are considered quite normal for sons of other races and ethnicities.
Please read the Washington Post article by Tunette Powell and let me know your thoughts on this topic. Click here to read.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Founder & Creator of Finding Superwoman
The Beauty Inside…
Last week I had a chance to spend time with my biological sister and my wonderful sorority sisters of Alpha Kappa Alpha. It was our 
biennial conference and thousands of us descended onto Atlanta, Georgia. It was a beautiful sight, and connecting with each other, some who I hadn’t seen in two years, was just great. My sorors are part of my extended family.
However I also thought about my biological sister and how blessed I am to have her in my life. I know there are families where sisters don’t get along or support each other. I’m the oldest, and when I was growing up, my mother told me to look out for my sister. I never forgot my mother’s words and we continue to look out for each other.
I also look out for my “girls” – ladies I grew up with and those who are more recent friends. That’s something we were raised with, but I don’t think it’s being taught anymore. Look out for your family, friends, or neighbors. It’s about me and nothing more. That’s probably why there are the random acts of violence taking place all over the world instead of random acts of kindness.
Do me a favor. Smile at someone as you walk down the street. Hold the door open for a perfect stranger. Let a car pull out in front of you and instead of cursing, give them a friendly nod. Sisterliness begins with me and I’m paying it forward. 
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and their Sons. Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
While we may come from different walks of life, as women young and old, we share common challenges, goals and passions. If you want to share the love with girls and other womenfolk join me on August 14, 2016 by attending my Mom & Me ❤ Tea, designed to provide a setting where girls and their caregivers can enjoy an afternoon of communication, culture and fun together. Register here.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Coach & Author
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Gun Violence Begins at Home
Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, all I wanted was to be accepted for who I was – glasses and all, and look like my best girlfriend Susan. What I later learned is that it wouldn’t have mattered what I looked like, because most kids wanted to look like or be someone else.
While most of my friends had strict parents, I didn’t have any close friends (that I knew of) whose parents were verbally (or physically) cruel. I say that because as a kid we had parental permission to visit our close friends and I often watched how my friends’ moms and dads interacted with them. Yes I’ve been fascinated with family dynamics since I was a kid. I know what it’s like to grow up in a house where you’re constantly criticized or made to feel bad for who you are. I’ve seen it firsthand. As a child, it feels awful to be constantly criticized.
I also feel sorry for parents who expect to have (what they consider to be) normal kids, who aren’t. Maybe the child is sick, disabled/handicapped or have a different sexual orientation. It’s understandable to expect your child to grow up and be awesome! All parents want that. But when your child grows up and chooses a career or life that you did not expect or don’t value as acceptable, what do you do?
I believe you internalize your disappointment and think you’ve failed as a parent. Depending on your upbringing, you become critical of that young man or woman and say hurtful things that create division and separation. But let me tell you what can happen to that young man or woman; they feel rejected and hurt. You may never hear those feelings because it’s not safe for them to share them with you. If the dynamics in your household is violence and anger, they internalize that too.
Think about it! The gun violence over the last 6 years has often been random and impersonal. As a kid, if you haven’t been hugged, kissed or told how much you are loved (by your parents); if your only validation was to be told ‘How stupid you are’, ‘You’ll never amount to anything’, ‘I wish you were never born’ or ‘Shut up’; you’re ignored or beaten, it is easy to see how you would internalize those feelings and become bitter.
Anytime I read or hear about a mass or random shooting, I wonder what kind of environment that person grew up in. Were they loved, nurtured and well-cared for? Or were they allowed to do their own thing and somewhat ignored because their parents worked (a lot), didn’t know how to reach out to them, didn’t care. 
I am truly sorry for the mass shootings in Orlando, as well as the daily shootings in Chicago. Folks wake up! It’s not too late to reestablish a loving relationship with your child – no matter how old they are. ♥♥
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Coach & Author
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)
3 Tips to Prevent Excessive Prom Spending (reprinted)
Reprinted 5/26/2016 from Moms Magazine ~~~ 
Eons ago, I attended prom. I actually had my dress made and it was a big deal to match the dress with my shoes. I wore a natural hair style, so I only needed a trip to the barbershop to have it properly shaped. I’m sure I wore some make-up and polished my nails, but the entire the whole preparation didn’t cost more than maybe $200.
Have you had to prepare your child for prom recently? I remember getting my own daughters ready for prom and it was certainly more elaborate than when I was in high school. I believe the cost of one of the prom dresses was three hundred dollars!
There was even a process for how your date asked you to prom. Apparently your favorite girl wouldn’t consider going to prom with you unless you had a creative way of asking her. 
Attended a prom party lately? My hubs and I attended a prom party and I was amazed and surprised at the elaborate things that took place. Her dress was flown out of New York and he had on the baddest pair of shoes I’ve ever seen even on a grown man; the fact that he was a high school kid made it unreal. I believe the shoes were blue suede. Between the videographer and the Rolls Royce limo, I imagine those parents easily spent $4,000.
Some parents feel if you have the money to spend why not spend it? My concern is that if you’re spending thousands of dollars for prom, what do you do when your daughter(s) or son(s) get married?
I believe we’re teaching our young people that they are entitled to this kind of excessive spending, when in actuality they aren’t. What have they done to deserve this excess?
Instead here are three things we can teach them to help them develop fiscal responsibility.
1. Let them know that they are responsible for some of their prom expenses. Set a dollar amount of what you will contribute.
2. Open a savings account when they are in grade school. Help them develop a habit of savings.
3. Teach them the value of being frugal. Show them how to get the best for their money. (Help them learn this early – during middle school would be good.)
Recently parents were telling me how concerned they were that their children particularly the teens acted so entitled. How can you not feel entitled if your parents will allow you to spend thousands of dollars on your dress or tux without establishing limits?
Interested in learning more about your how to communicate with your teen daughter? Pick up a copy of my book -Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring family coaching programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author, Coach & Family Dynamics Specialist
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)
3 Ways to Avoid Cincinnati Zoo Parenting
I normally try to avoid the nightly news, because it’s always so sensational and it seems that each 
network tries to outdo the other network with the worst possible things that humans are doing to each other. My ears pricked up last night when the news reported that a four year old boy crawled/fell through the barriers at the Cincinnati Zoo, was dragged by the gorilla (probably a mother) and rescued by zoo officials after the gorilla was killed.
I felt outraged! How in the world did he get through the barriers? WHERE WAS HIS MOTHER when this happened?
Okay moms before you yell that boys are quicker than the blinking eye – I completely agree. My own son was three when I noticed him smiling (like he just got into something) and running from my bathroom. I caught him and got a whiff of what smelled like fingernail polish remover. My question to myself was how did he get away from me that quickly – it seemed like seconds! But it only takes seconds for your kid to get away from you and unfortunately in this case, he’s slid into the gorilla habitat with Harambe, an endangered and well-loved gorilla.
She was on her phone… Doggone it! Being on your phone with any four year old is dangerous – boy or girl. It only takes a minute for them to get into something. Our phones can take our attention away so quickly that minutes go by like seconds. She probably thought – “who just texted me”. The next thing she knew, her son was gone. She is really lucky that her son is alive. Having raised one son from birth, and another as a bonus, I know boys. They are wonderful but do unexpected things a lot!
Here are three (3) things to remember when raising boys:
- Pay attention at all times especially once he starts crawling through his 6th birthday
- Believe that he can reach anything he sets his mind to – he has No Fear
- They will tell you whatever you want to hear – meaning he won’t always be truthful
Interested in learning more about what makes your son tick? Pick up a copy of my book – The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son. Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams – #MsParentguru
Author, Coach & Family Dynamics Specialist
2 Tips to Help You Prevent Gun Accidents With Your Kids
I was watching Grey’s Anatomy last night, and their subject was about two 8 year old boys who had been playing with a gun and one of them got shot. Since I don’t watch the show regularly, I’m not familiar with each doctor, but as a mom and parent coach, the story line had my full attention!
I also wondered how the boys had gotten a hold of a gun. When the mothers arrived at the hospital, the mother of the boy who had been shot admitted that it was her gun and that it was locked in a box. So how did they get in the locked box? During surgery, the female doctor asked that question as well – how did the boys get the gun if it was locked up, and where was the babysitter.
That was my question too, and I thought about growing up, when my sister and I would look through everything in my parents’ bedroom when they weren’t home. You would have thought we were pirates looking for hidden treasures. The fact is, we were inquisitive, just like those two boys.
My question about Where was the babysitter was answered by one of the young doctors who asked the babysitter:
“Where were you?”
“Why weren’t you watching them?”
“How long were you away from them that they had time to unlock the gun box and take it out AND play with it.”
The young babysitter got immediately defensive and said two things that as a parent I HATE hearing – “This was NOT my fault” (whose fault was it ma’am?) and “They are 8 years old; they’re not babies that need watching every minute!” (No they are inquisitive boys who if not monitored, get into anything & everything.) Duh!
To find out what happened to the gunshot victim, you’ll have to tune in to last night’s Grey’s Anatomy, but my point here is 1) What you think is put away or locked away, given enough time, can be found or opened. Trust me. 2) If something terrible happens to your child, whether they are busy or quiet types is something you will regret for the rest of your life. Something simple like your daughter trying to shave her legs like you, or your son drinking nail polish remover (true stories) doesn’t matter – all you’ll remember is what you were doing that they were able to get into something they shouldn’t have.
Tip 1: The older your kids get (yes teens are included), the more you want to keep tabs on them. They are often in unbelievable situations and need us to be there for them unconditionally.
Tip 2: No matter what your belief is in the 1st Amendment – (the right to bear arms), keep your guns out of your home where your young kid can find them or your teen who is depressed/suicidal, or trying to prove something to his peers, tries it just for the hell of it – the outcome is usually deadly. Great message #ShondaRimes
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring Finding Superwoman program for Working Moms, parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author, Family Coach, Speaker
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
NEWEST→ Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)
I’m Grown Now Mom!
Have you ever wanted perfect so bad, you were willing to overstep your boundaries?
This has happened to me often, in different areas of my life, but today I’m talking about mothers & daughters. In her years as a teen, we went from having a I respect you because you’re my mom, to a very enjoyable one as she got older.
I learned a valuable lesson when I overstepped my boundaries thinking I knew best. Mothers always know best right? Well I reached out to one of her friends to resolve what I thought was a problem. I meant no harm, but it got back to her and we went through a rough patch.
It took me and my pride awhile to realize that I had been put in my place by my 20-something daughter, however once we talked about it, I realized I had to allow her to make her own decisions even when I thought they were mistakes.
I know it’s hard to see our little girls grow into adults and allow them to make their own decisions. When we interfere, we’re telling our daughters that we don’t trust the decisions they are making BUT more importantly, we are admitting to ourselves that we don’t believe we’ve raised them to the best of our ability. That sucks ladies!
Go ahead and let her make her own decision. You be there to cheer her on, or comfort her no matter what happens. Send me a comment and tell me how you’ve handled challenging situations with you daughter.
Need help with the hormones? Order your copy of my book: Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES!
C. Lynn Williams
Author, Creator of Finding Superwoman – a must have program for Women who Want It All
Oh Weight!
It’s that time of year again, when I excitedly clean out my closet and begin to think about 
buying new outfits to wear. Normally by this time, I have started my Lenten fasting and am comfortable looking at myself in the mirror. This year is a little different. During the fall and winter months, I was busy going back and forth to the various hospitals and nursing homes that took care of my father. I thought about eating healthy foods and tried, but I really found that food made me feel…better… while I processed the fact that my father was dying.
As I attend my different women’s conferences and workshops, I look around and notice my heavily figured friends and associates who too are carrying extra weight. I can’t help thinking how many are care givers for ailing parents or family members, and just don’t have the will power or time to eat a healthy meal. How many of us are emotional eaters? When I think about women like me, I think about all the issues that increased weight brings to us in the way of diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer. O
kay! I’ve got my own attention again. No more candy and I suppose I can give up cookies too!
Interested in learning more about your health or your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author, Coach & Family Dynamics Specialist
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
NEW Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)
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