Posts filed under ‘Parenting’
Mom Love
“Can you just love me as the daughter that I am?” That’s a question that many girls and women ask these days. “What did I do to make my mother treat me the way she does?” A friend of mine talks of how her mother belittles her and treats her like she’s a three year old. One of my adult students says that her mother can’t seem to find a kind word to say to her and she just avoids her. Why is that? As they say, there is nothing like a mother’s love. When you don’t have it, don’t you feel unbalanced?
In one of the chapters of my soon-to-be released book, “How to Raise Your Princess into a Queen”, I discuss what it means to be proud of your daughter. As a mother of two daughters, I remember how much I expected out of them.
My stepdaughter joined our family at the age of 16, so I didn’t get to participate in her training as a young girl. Yes I expected a lot from them, but I also explained why. I remember one of the conflicts that my daughter and I had, was when she became a teen. She told me that my expectations were too high for her. So we talked about it. Part of her problem with me was that I just told her what to do and didn’t seem to care how I said what I said. So it really wasn’t my expectations, but how I said what I expected. What did I expect?
• Be responsible
• Be respectable
• Finish school
• Believe in God
• Work & manage your money
• Respect your parents and other adults
• Think before you act
I think in all of the raising that we do with our daughters, we forget to be human with them, to love and enjoy them. Have a good relationship with your daughter. Talk to her, the way you would want her to talk to you if she were your mother. Cursing and harsh talking will not endear her to you. If she is a strong-willed person, like I was, not only will she not respect you, you may just tell you to jump in the lake. (I’m being funny here, but you don’t want an unnecessary fight on your hands.) Parenting is about gently leading and guiding our children, and teaching them right from wrong. As my grandmother used to say, “You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar”.
To raise the consciousness of our people (and I’m talking humans everywhere), we have to lead by example and do it with love. The way you treat her, will be the way she treats her children.
I am putting together a mother-daughter workshop that will be offered in late summer, 2013. Let me know if you have a story that you’d like to share with me.
My email is: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru
Author & Parenting Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013
Single By Choice?
My daughter attended a wedding this weekend of her former college roommate. When I asked her what she thought of the wedding, she surprised me by saying how interesting it was that the majority of the women, who attended, came unattached. Mind you these are not unattractive, uneducated women or candidates for spinsterhood. These are attractive, well educated, gainfully employed African-American women who for whatever reason chose to attend the wedding alone. My question was WHY? Where were their boyfriends, husbands, significant others?
Just for the record, my daughter is a Gen Yer, or considered part of the Millennial Generation. Known as “Generation Me”[1], characteristics of this generation are: confidence, tolerance and also a sense of entitlement and narcissism. Most in this generation believe that life owes them something wonderful and they don’t mind waiting for it. My generation was a little different. We met, dated and married men that our parents approved of (possibly despite their approval). Very few of the girls in my class chose not to marry.
The irony is that I too have a number of friends and associates who are single by choice. Many were once married and are now divorced or widowed; a handful have chosen to remain single. Those who divorced decided that men were crazy and they were not interested in tying the knot again! The good news is that my contemporaries are no longer having children. However, one problem that I see is that it appears that two generations of African-American women are single and raising children as single moms without the benefit or assistance of a husband or significant partner. You might say, “What’s wrong with that?” My answer is that we are crippling generations of children who don’t know what it means to have a dad and a mom in the same household. That’s a problem because of the difficulty of raising a child singly – exhaustion, financial, and discipline to name a few. Let alone the issues that single moms have raising boys. Add to that, households of children that are born with different fathers and little connectedness to their larger family unit (grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc.) and what we have is a breakdown of the African-American family unit.
I shared these thoughts with my sister (who is divorced by the way) and her perspective was entirely different. She felt that the problem was with African-American men. If men were more responsible, less unfaithful, more interested in raising families and employed, the world would be Perfect! I wonder what men would say about us? How do you feel? Let’s start a dialogue! Feel free to share your thoughts.
[1] Jean Twenge, author of the 20
06 book Generation Me
Happy Mother’s Day – Mothers Care!!!
Happy Mother’s Day to all! As my pastor explained yesterday in church, a mother is more than a biological designation. Any woman with the right ‘plumbing’ can have a child. However it takes someone who has nurtured, loved, and encouraged a child that is engaged in the act of mothering. That would explain the close bond that many athletes have with their coaches; how a foster or step parent can join a family and be the very glue that helps that family become close-knit; and how teachers who have never had children of their own, end up parenting hundreds of kids because of their love and concern for those students (my aunt – Priscilla).
I finally get it! As a mother, a coach (for three seasons – OMG) and a step parent, I care. The basic component of mothering is the caring. People thrive when you actively care for them. Caring can be shown in many ways. Maybe you are there to listen. Many teachers do that daily. There are lots of children who are growing up without someone at home to listen to them. A caring teacher who listens is a mother… Maybe you are a step parent or a foster parent or a guardian parent, and the only tie you have to your “child” is because of court appointment or through the legalities of marriage. Show compassion, be kind, care. Your kindness may not be appreciated right away, but in time, your child(ren) will talk about what they liked/loved about you..
Right now you may feel that your children may not appreciate all that you do to help them grow into magnificent men and women. Don’t worry; just keep loving, nurturing, giving, caring and starting all over again tomorrow doing the same thing. During those times when you feel too exhausted or discouraged to continue, pray for guidance and replenishment to continue caring and loving your child(ren). It will pay off in tremendous ways! You will see!
Take the rest of May and celebrate Mother’s Day with me! If you want to compare your parenting styles to the crazy parenting styles of different celebs, click on this link: http://www.crushable.com/2013/05/12/other-stuff/mothers-day-celebrity-parenting-advice/
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013
Peer Pressure is REAL
Missed a word..
It’s pretty easy to talk about peer pressure in teens. “Watch the people your kids pal around with because they are easily influenced.” I know it’s true because I always knew who my daughter and son hung around; their speech and mannerisms were the same as the new person with whom they had become friends. Many years ago, my mother would say “that girl is going to get you into trouble, stop associating with her.” I hated hearing those words because most times, she was right. In those days trouble meant I would eventually say something that wasn’t tolerated in our home, or ‘act fast’. Anything like that was enough to warrant my mom’s strong admonishment.
Last week on one of those rare evenings when I was out after 9 p.m., I noticed that most of t
he women had on the same type of shoes and wore the same hairstyle…
View original post 219 more words
12/14 Parenting
I listened to the 60 Minutes interview of the Newtown parents and people who lost children and loved ones in the December 14th Sandy Hook Elementary massacre. The Newtown group has successfully lobbied for historic gun control legislation, which was signed into law by Connecticut’s Gov. Dannel Malloy last week. The group is now hoping the gun control legislation will be signed into law by the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate. It was a very difficult show to watch as the parents talked about how important the new legislation was, and while it wouldn’t protect their child who had been killed, it would (hopefully) save countless other lives. The parents that spoke out during the 60 Minutes interview were pretty ordinary, everyday parents like you and me. What was profound were words they used like “there seems to be a sense of complacency in this country” or “loving my child does not mean I give my child everything he wants”. There are many parents who have lost their children to gun violence, who were not privy to television interviews or continuous news coverage, yet the message is still the same. How do we protect our children from the dangers of senseless shootings? As one father said, better parenting has to take place. We can legislate gun control, but we can’t legislate sound parenting. At the risk of sounding judgmental, parents – be a parent, not your child’s friend. Are you living with an out of control teen or twenty-something?
Is your son or daughter running rampant, ignoring your rules, coming and going as they please? Do you need help parenting your kids? For help, contact me at: cgwillnot@comcast.net Will more restrictive legislation curb the gun violence? I don’t know, but I do know that doing nothing means we get more of the same, senseless KILLINGS!
C. Lynn Williams,
Author and Parenting Coach
#MsParentguru
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010) 
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012) 
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter (available in late spring, 2013)
Manners Matter
I belong to an era where men opened doors for women and children, trash was thrown into garbage cans, and men removed their hats when they entered a building. Women and girls also ‘dressed up’ to go shopping. Dressing up meant my hair was freshly shampooed and curled (by my grandmother), I had on a nice dress, anklet socks, black patent leather shoes and white gloves. We usually took the bus to the “Loop” and visited Marshall Fields and several other stores located on State Street in Chicago.
Dressing up to shop or dine changed dramatically by the late 70’s and early 80’s, and our societal rules relaxed, where people became comfortable dressing (and acting) more casually. Now it’s not uncommon to go to a restaurant to dine and see people dressed in sweats or very casual outfits, including men wearing hats while they eat, or women wearing hair rollers or night caps. I have even seen men keep their hats on during Christian worship services. Don’t get me wrong, I love dressing casually too. But I wonder if being more casual has resulted in a general loss of manners? It’s one thing to dress casually, but today some people empty trash from their car onto the street. It doesn’t matter whether it is emptying the ashtray or an empty McDonald’s bag. You open the window of your car, and throw it out. It’s also not uncommon for people to spit on the street; walk their dogs and leave the remains on your grass, or curse you out for driving too slowly. Last Sunday, a man was asked to remove his hat during church service and instead of removing it, he left the church. What kind of world are we living in?
While each of these events is random and unrelated to each other, I can’t help wondering how our actions are affecting today’s youth. They are watching us – the adults in their lives. Is our lack of civility and good manners reasons that many of our youth are disrespectful and disconnected from us?
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013
Old World Parenting Russian Style
Over the weekend, I was talking to a Russian woman named Irena and she was excited about her son’s upcoming birthday. I love birthdays, mine will be here in a few weeks, so I joined in her enthusiasm as well and asked how old her son was. “He will be 27, and I’m trying to decide what kind of cake to bake for him.” She later told me that he still lived at home with her. When she suggested that he consider moving out; he asked her what he had done to make her mad; why was she suggesting that he move? Apparently where he’s employed, his colleagues think something is wrong with him because he still lives at home with his mother.
I too was surprised that he still lived at home at the age of 26. When I said that, Irena shared that in Russian culture, children live at home until they are married. No parent thinks that their child should move, and the adult children continue to obey their parents, support the household financially as well as help with chores. “He’s a good boy” Irena told me, and “I live for my son”. One of the other ideas that Irena shared is that Russian children are taught that education is very important. In order to be successful, you must have excellent grades and a great education. Her requirement was that her son study and finish homework (daily), even as a young boy. She required that and helped him study. Of course his grades were excellent; he is currently finishing law school.
As a parent, I felt the same way as Irena. You love your children dearly, and your love means helping them build a strong foundation where they understand from early childhood the importance of education, commitment and obedience. It’s easy to tell a child to go to her room and finish her homework. I believe it’s more valuable to have them open those school books at the kitchen table (in front of you) and study. You get a chance to add your two cents worth, and your child gets to learn about the importance of education and your commitment to them. Interesting concept, right?
My newest book, “How to Turn Your Daughter Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter” is due out by May, 2013. Email me at: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com if you’re interested in reading a short excerpt. Find me on Twitter @cgwwbook.
C. Lynn Williams, #Msparentguru
Author and Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Managing Your Teen’s Mental Health (Issues)
Have you ever been in your own world, and someone makes a statement that completely changes your perspective, or as my mother used to say “disturbs the calm peace of your soul”? It happened to me today. I was sitting in church waiting for the sermon to begin, slightly distracted (with all of the things I wanted to accomplish later), and the pastor started talking about mental illness and the shame often associated with it. I kind of dismissed the topic because it didn’t seem relevant to me or my family members, but the more he talked, the more the sermon topic affected me.
When I talk to people about mental illness, I think of schizophrenia and manic depression (bipolar disorder). Those are probably the most widely known mental illnesses. Mild chronic depression (dysthymic disorder), affects about 3.3 million American adults over the age of 18, per year: http://depression.emedtv.com/depression/depression-statistics-p2.html One in five children experience mild depression before adulthood. Ten to fifteen percent of children and adolescents have some symptoms of depression. Those symptoms include restlessness, irritability, thoughts of death or suicide. Excluding the thoughts of death and suicide, restlessness and irritability are common moods experienced by teens, and not easily noticed by parents and caregivers.
My pastor’s topic centered around the fact that people close to us, like our family members can be affected by mental illness and often we are ashamed of those family members. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. When you have diabetes or high blood pressure, you modify your diet and take medication to get better. For most mental illnesses, you can take medication, see a therapist or mental health professional and lessen or improve one’s symptoms. But because of the stigma attached to mental health, many people do not get the help they need before it’s too late.
As parents, how do we recognize the signs of mental illness in our teens and help them handle their everyday pressures and decisions? According to Dr. Arthur Schoenstadt, there is no one cause of depression. Factors like a family history of depression or substance abuse, certain medical conditions, gender, stressful life events, or personality types increase a teen’s chance of developing depression. Most often, once identified and acknowledged, depression is treatable with psychotherapy and antidepressants.
In my own family, there is a history of brilliance and mental illness. My uncle Donald, whom I never had the good fortune of meeting, was a brilliant scholar who committed suicide in his early twenties. Nobody (in the family) ever talked about him or really understood what he was facing that would cause him to take his life. My brother suffered with Crohns’ disease for about five years before deciding to end his life. As I write this article, my heart goes out to parents who never recognized the signs of mental illness in their deceased teen, whether it was depression, bipolar, eating, conduct disorders, or schizophrenia. Your teen is not just having a series of bad days, and once the season changes, will feel better. They may need meds to feel better.
Here are some symptoms to watch for:
– Very angry much of time, cries a lot, or overreacts to things;
– Worthless or guilty a lot;
– Anxious or worried a lot more than other young people;
– Grief for a long time after a loss or death;
– Extremely fearful-has unexplained fears or more fears than most kids;
– Constantly concerned about physical problems or appearance;
– Frightened that his or her mind is controlled or is out of control.
http://www.cumminsbhs.com/teens.htm
If you suspect that your child or teen is experiencing any of these issues, contact your child’s school psychologist or talk to a mental health professional.
C. Lynn Williams,
Author and Parenting Coach
#MsParentguru
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Monitoring What Your Kids Watch; Listen To…
Is it Old Fashioned to Monitor What Your Kids watch on TV, listen to on the radio or watch at the movies?
I know the beats are cool and everybody is listening to the latest song or watching the latest video by Mr. or Ms. Sexy Rapper, but is that alright with you? We talk daily about how quickly our kids are growing up, what they are wearing and how many t(w)eens are sexually active. How do you think they got this way? It’s up to us to LIMIT what they are exposed to. One song comes to my mind by Li’l Wayne. I loved the beat, but the words were quite vulgar and even listening to the clean version meant you missed most of the words. Not a song that I wanted my kids to listen to, or to hear me listening to. When I had to hear it, I listened to it when no one was around.
According to an article I read the following statistics are true:
– Quick Facts Listening to degrading sexual lyrics has been shown to speed sexual activity (Pediatrics, 2006).
– Girls with a heavy sexual media diet engage in sexual activity younger than their peers (Harris Interactive, 2007).
– 68 percent of TV shows have explicit sexual content, but only 15% of that 68% discuss risk and responsibility (Harris Interactive, 2007).
– More than 40 percent of teens and preteens said they’d recently come across nudity and pornography on the internet (ForbesLife, 2007).
http://xfinity.comcast.net/articles/news-general/20130205/csm.media.sex/?cid=hero_media
Listen to the songs, watch TV and the music videos with your kids. Discuss them. Are they too explicit? Are they too violent? Is there too much profanity in the lyrics? If so, you have my permission to turn it off and make it a teachable moment. Your kids will surprise you later when they tell their friends that they shouldn’t listen to “that” song and explain why. Happy Parenting!
#Msparentguru
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
Blogpost Comments