Posts filed under ‘tweens’
Give Them Something To Believe In
Life is funny, you leave one crisis, and move into a second or third one.
This week I’m thinking about boys… yes, our sons. And the challenges some of them face growing up.
For the last several years, we have experienced a number of young men losing their life to gun violence. Violence of being shot by rivals and violence due to police shootings. Last year (2020), not only did we experience over 600,000 people who died from COVID-19, we also watched as the number of black boys and men who were shot and killed by police, increased.
Toward the end of 2020, many cities noticed a rash of crimes where people were being carjacked and robbed or killed. Many of these crimes were committed by young men, some as young as 11 or 12. It makes you wonder what kind of direction or guidance they are receiving at home?
I had firsthand knowledge of guidance for a young boy.
My little brother…
I think back to my brother and how he responded to my mom and dad’s divorce. He was young, about 11 years old and missed having Dad at home. He was angry and felt alone.
He started getting into trouble.
A lot. Getting into trouble in those days, meant being disrespectful, destroying somebody’s property, or stealing. Our dad wasn’t coming by for regular visits, but if my mother called about my brother, Dad would come and discipline him.
My brother was so unhappy that he began trying to take his life. (Thank God he was unsuccessful.) He also began hanging out with the “bad boys” in the neighborhood.
My mother sold our house and moved to a different neighborhood.
Who can say what kind of stress these boys are undergoing at home?
- It could be due to financial issues.
- Maybe the stress is verbal or physical.
- Your son could be dealing with depression.
- Perhaps he is reacting to deaths of people he knows due to COVID-19, domestic or gun violence. If his family has gang affiliation and the violence is orchestrated by gang leaders, imagine how stressful that could be.
How do you help your son if he is facing any of these (or other issues)? What do you do if he’s going through male teen angst? Maybe he’s exhibiting disrespectful, aggressive, violent behavior or mood swings.
What happens if you can’t change neighborhoods?
Try these five things before giving up or seeking professional help:
- Schedule Time With Your Son – talk frequently and spend regularly scheduled time with him and keep his schedule jam-packed with school, sports, clubs, time with friends, and after-school jobs.
- Set a Sleep Routine – it’s easier being a teen if he’s getting enough sleep.
- Get Moving – the last thing a moody teen wants to do is get up and move, but it’s one of the best ways he can feel better.
- Listen Without Lecturing – resist the urge to lecture your son. Listen with an open mind.
- Keep Your Cool – take a deep breath, keep your cool and find a way to communicate without lashing out.
Find an honorable, trustworthy male mentor that he can talk to, when he can’t talk to you. Remember to model healthy ways to handle stress. Take good care yourself.
I help parents build the kind of communication and trust that allows parent-child relationships to grow and feel better through coaching and parent classes. Email me for more information: info@clynnwilliams.com 😘
Thanks for reading my blog. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @MsParentguru.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Parent Coach, Author & Speaker
Being Friends With Our Kids
I remember one of my mother’s favorite phrases when I was growing up – “I am not here to be friends with you.”
I never wanted to be friends with her, I just wanted her to stop being so mean…
And then I had my own children…
What I found, was as my children became tweens and teens, I wanted to be friends with them. I wanted to laugh and enjoy them because they were growing into people that I loved and respected.
What I found out that was, being friends with my kids compromised me being their boundary setter, the consequence handler, the Mom that they could count on when they needed somebody to talk with them honestly; when they need the adult-in-charge to take over!
I found it difficult to be both friend and adult parent. So I too repeated my mom’s words: “I’m not here to be your friend, but you can count on me anytime and all the time.”
What I learned from my kids, is that when I gave them boundaries they felt safe, and I often heard them repeating the house rules to their friends. I liked that! Being the adult in charge is important because your kids don’t have to worry about who you are today. They know you are the person they can rely on when life is crashing and burning around them. 🔥 They won’t have to worry if you allow them to drink or smoke illegal substances (because you’re their friend) one day and other days it’s not tolerated. The lines are not blurred.
The friendship between the two of you will definitely come, probably when you’re both adults and they are making their own decisions. By then, sharing an alcoholic beverage is both legal and tolerated.
I help parents build the kind of communication and trust that allows relationships to grow and feel better. Call me to schedule a complimentary chat session or to book a seat in my coaching program.😘
Thanks for reading my blog. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @MsParentguru.
C. Lynn Williams
clynnwilliams.com
How to Motivate Our Kids
Did you ever take music lessons or practice a sport to become the best? It’s called deliberate practice and there are important life skills that children learn when they practice becoming better at something. One lesson that comes up for me is resilience. My daughter wanted to take dance lessons, and once she started attending the class, she decided she didn’t like it and wanted to quit. That happens often with children. They will like something because their friends like it. The challenge is getting them to stick it out until a natural ending like a concert or the season ends. Requiring them to finish at a natural ending point, teaches tolerance.
You see it a lot in some cultures where practice is relentless, but the outcomes are amazing. I think about the Olympics and Russians gymnasts. I thought they excelled because of their over-the-top work ethic. I also think about Chinese students and music. Practice makes their performances better!
This deliberate practice requires us (as parents) to perform our show and tell. It’s one thing to tell your child to go and practice their clarinet. It’s quite a different feeling when you share with them that on your job or in your business, you have goals to attain and the better that you are at setting those goals, the better you are at mastering them and achieving them or smashing them!
Parents, we have an opportunity here to build excellence no matter what your economic or social standing. When your kids are with you, get them to do more of what they like and practice it until it is amazing. You notice I’m not saying perfect because perfect means there’s no room to grow and be better and there’s always room to grow and be better. I’m also suggesting that you allow them to do something that they like, as opposed to what you like for them. It’s less of a struggle…
By the way, this is not just a skill for musically and sports inclined children. For the kids who love academics; who love reading; who love writing; who love tech; help them find tune that skill and motivate them to become outliers.
An outlier is a person that stands out from all other members of a particular group or set. They stand out! That’s a positive thing. Our children are born with gifts that require motivation, nurturing and fine-tuning to stand out. As parents, this is what we can offer our children:
- A safe home environment
- Food to eat
- Love
- Encouragement
- Structure
Sometimes the gifts that live inside of our child, are quite different from ours or anyone within our family. It doesn’t make the gift wrong or strange… just different.
So practice motivating your child and that gift of theirs, while they are on summer break. If you haven’t already seen their brilliance peek out, keep watching.
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C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
Which One Are You Today?
It’s funny when your kids are small, you don’t ever want them to grow up. They are so innocent and precious and they listen to our every word. Then the day comes when they start saying things like “I’m grown, I can make my own decisions.” And you realize they are growing up and maybe you should let them (make their decisions). 
Then they change back into a non-adult! They say things like:
- Can you pay for my phone?
- Will you complete my FAFSA?
- Do you have money for me to get my nails done?
- Can you pay my car insurance?
- Will you pay my rent?
Wait a minute!
- I thought you were an adult?
- Isn’t that what you told me you were?
- What happened to “I can do this? Please stop telling me what to do!?”
This is the brain of our teenage or twenty-something kid. The problem is that they really don’t want a lessons learned talk, they kinda want to figure it out, but don’t mind asking for your money and support.
My feeling is that when your kid says, “I can do it”, it’s important to let him or her do it. I believe today’s parents don’t want their children to make the mistakes that they made. It sounds good, but isn’t realistic. Growing up means you make mistakes. I made them? You did too. It’s okay. 
Young people today don’t mind making mistakes. They don’t want to be nagged or guilt tripped, but they also want to be rescued when they’ve made a mistake. It’s doesn’t work both ways! Some lessons can only be learned through experience. A daughter who has a child without the security of marriage (against the advice of her parents), takes a risk that she will raise her child alone. A son who wants to play pro ball and decides not to go to college, takes a risk of having an injury (that keeps him from playing) and working the rest of his life as a laborer.
It’s hard watching our children make mistakes especially ones that can follow them for life. It’s harder when they tell you to butt out – let them live their life. Those are hard lessons for us as parents. However, just like our parents had to let us go and grow… we have to do the same thing. A little lesson learning never hurt anybody! Happy 2019!
Are you saying Yes when you really mean No? Click here to Join my FREE Facebook Group – Balanced Moms Club to join with other moms to receive tips about time management, organization and basic meal planning.
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C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
Why Dads Have to Add Their Two Cents
When I think back to my childhood, I don’t remember my father voicing his opinions often. So when he did, it was crystal clear and quite memorable. 
As I got older, I realized how important his opinions were in relationship to my career decisions and the men that I dated or married. One thing about many dads is that they are quiet when it comes to the day-to-day workings of household activities and child-rearing. It may not be that way in your household, and many of the millennial fathers are very present in their opinions and in the raising of their children. I prefer that style of parenting because the energy that fathers offer is very different from the energy of mothers. Dads don’t freak out as easily as we moms do. This is quite helpful for your emotional child (tween or teen) who has daily fits of hysteria.
The other things about fathers is that they use less words to get their point across. Less words gives your brain a chance to hear and process what was said. They also don’t repeat what they’ve said, so you have to listen and get it the first time (most dads anyway). I like that technique and share it in my Pampered Prince book to help mothers who are raising sons, communicate more effectively.
Yesterday I saw an article about a group of dads – Dads4Justice, who were pretty pissed off with how Kellogg’s was marketing their Coco Pops cereal. They considered the slogan sexist and protested to Kellogg’s. The slogan has since been changed. Click here to read the entire article. 
If you haven’t spoken to your dad in a while, give him a call. You may be surprised at what he might tell you.
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons, Fathers and Daughters or Fathers and their Sons.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
Are We Properly Preparing Our Daughters?
One of the things that I was most proud of as a mom, was how I prepared my biological daughter for what challenges life had for her.
Often our conversations were predicated on what was going on in my life like divorce, disappointment, dating, career changes, etc. 
Other people’s life experiences were fair game too because they were teachable moments that I could use to explain why life operated as it did.
So I thought I did a pretty GOOD job … until we had our latest conversation and she told me that mothers don’t really prepare their daughters for life as a mom; as a working mom or as a married working mom.
She felt we’re not honest about the job description. Somehow the picture that we paint is idealistic and not representative of what it takes to be married, work and raise children.
In actuality, you marry the man of your dreams (hopefully), you have a baby or several babies, and you work outside of the home. When you get home from work, you take care of your family. In the taking care of your family you seldom have time for yourself. And depending on your husband’s culture and upbringing, he may or may not support you in the raising of the children and helping with the household chores.
That sucks, because there is such a difference between the American dream for women and what many young women experience as wives and mothers. We tell our daughters to get a good education, find a good job, get married and have children. And live happily ever after.
It’s more realistic for us as mothers, to share realistic experiences with our daughters throughout their adolescence and teen years, so that they can decide what they want out of life. And they understand the trade-offs that are required depending on which path they take.
For women who decide to take the career path and not have children, mothers need to share what that may feel like as the daughter gets older. Having the conversation may help minimize the regret of not having become a mother.
On the other hand, for daughters who want a career and also a family; explain how exhausted they can be during the first 5 years of their child’s life because of sleep deprivation and adjustments to new family routines. They may have a supportive spouse and they may not. Give them guilt-free permission to hire a nanny or a housekeeper to help with the house and children.
I mean if we are not honest with our daughters, who will be?
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons, Fathers and Daughters or Fathers and their Sons.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
3 Habits for Healthy Families
During this Thanksgiving holiday, we will share many things with our families: holiday traditions, good-night hugs and good times. I truly love family customs and traditions, hugs (not just at night) and the good times we share as our family gathers together.
In addition to these things, check your ‘list’ to see if you are including these healthy habits as well. I’m including three of my favorite ones here:
- Make mealtime family time – This matters because shared meals help families catch up and connect. Studies show that kids who regularly eat with their families have healthier eating habits than those who don’t.
- Volunteer together – This is important because helping others lifts our spirits and improves our overall sense of well-being. It also teaches our children that they can make a difference, which can help boost their self-confidence and make them feel good about themselves.
- Handle anger in a healthy way – When we lash out it strains relationships within and outside our family. “Kids tend to express anger by lashing out at parents and teachers, and their anger may isolate them from their peers.”[1] In adults, angry outbursts can raise the risks of heart attack and stroke.
Thank you Rush University Medical Center for these healthy tips for our families!
As you welcome your college students back home and see family members you haven’t seen in a while, take time to relax and enjoy them. Even Aunt Josephine who manages to say something completely crazy to everyone she sees, still needs a hug. ♥
Time Saving Tip: Sparkl Now – The Car Wash Service That Comes to You!
Are you tired of riding around in a dirty, cheerio-ridden car?
I was just like you! As a mom of busy and messy boys, I found myself living most of my day in the car—shuttling to/from school, practices and play dates. My kids often had to eat meals in the car in order to get to where we needed to be on time.
This is what inspired me to launch Sparkl – an eco-friendly, waterless car wash that comes to YOU. All you have to do is download our app, register, and schedule a date and time. We do the rest. Our products are bio-degradable and our waterless solution is safe enough to use on any car. All of our washers are background checked and trained to provide a quality car wash anytime anywhere. We will come to your home, office, parking garage, or just the street. It’s that simple…and convenient. No more dirty car… and no more waiting in line at the car wash! Now your car can get cleaned without wasting your precious time…or our environment’s precious resources. To learn more about Sparkl, please check out our website: www.sparklnow.com.
C. Lynn Williams’ Upcoming Events:
Dating With The Right Tools webinar Dec 6th – Part 2 of Romance Series
Kick the Chaos workshop Dec 9th – kickthechaos.eventbrite.com
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons or Fathers and Daughters.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Coach & Author
www.clynnwilliams.com
[1] Adrienne Adams, MD, MS – Rush University Medical Center
If You Are A Too Busy Working Mom…
Have you ever felt completely at your wits end because you had a project due at work or in your business, and your 
daughter needed you? I’ve been there and remember how difficult it was to make the choice to spend time with her. Yes I chose my daughter. Because there will ALWAYS be a project, a meeting, an event to attend.
Here’s the million dollar question! What’s the consequence if you don’t spend time when she needs (wants) you? Will she want to talk a week, month or year later? Will what was so important to her to share with you today, matter in six months (when you have more time)?
Go to my YouTube channel: MsParentGuru and check out my YouTube video blog: Click Here
If you are struggling to have meaningful conversations with your daughter and want help, let’s have a conversation about your next steps. Here’s a link to reach me. While you’re deciding if you really want to talk about that mother-daughter relationship, pick up a copy of my book, Raising Your Daughter.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru
Connect with my parent community: www.clynnwilliams.com
Good Grief Dad…It’s Only Money
I’m on a flight back to Chicago and I overhear the following conversation between a dad and his teenage daughter. She must have asked him for something, and this is how he responded. “… Didn’t I give you $173?” Smile from the daughter (I think she was a teen). “How much did you spend? You spent all of it??? That was $173 that I put on your card!!!” His teen daughter just smiled, although this time the smile looked a little sheepish. “You spent it all at Victoria Secret?” “I can’t believe you spent all of it!”
“You and your sister got your ears pierced? Who gave you permission to get your ears pierced?” This time his younger daughter spoke up and said “Mom told us it was okay with her if it was okay with you.” The father didn’t push the conversation any further, and the next thing I knew he was joking with the non-verbal daughter.
I felt sorry for dear old dad because from that brief conversation it was obvious that his daughters had him wrapped around their fingers; he was divorced from his wife, and they had not established rules on important things like piercings. Am I ancient or what? Reply and let me know if you agree that both Mom and Dad should agree on their kids’ having piercings or tattoos before they occur. Mark it hashtag dadparenting (#dadparenting)
C. Lynn Williams
#MsParentguru
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If You Make Time, They Will Come..
Ever wonder why we like reality TV? Probably because the stories are so true-life; the characters get to say & do whatever (ridiculous or not) comes to their minds (or the mind of the show’s writer) and there’s always a new angle! Oh most importantly — they are addicting.
Here’s an alternative: You and your daughter take some time 30-60-90 minutes; list your top five issues with each other. Set ground rules and make it ‘safe’ to talk openly & honestly. Promise each other that you will not HOLD Grudges after your time together. For my journalers, write down your thoughts. At my recent Stop Driving Me CraZy Mother – Daughter Retreat, daughters shared that they liked the activities like Mirror-Mirror and Trust Me! Some opened up and told their moms what was on their mind. Mothers enjoyed the video and breakout sessions.
It might feel awkward or ‘fake’, but don’t worry it can breathe life into your relationship. She may act like it doesn’t matter if you both talk or not. But don’t listen to that. Secretly (inside) she is dying for a wonderful relationship with you! Your normally unresponsive, hormonal teen daughter may share things you wouldn’t have imagined. Just try not to flip out if you hear something weird.
By the way, feel free to share this blog post with others and (share) your thoughts with me. I’d love to hear them! My next mother – daughter retreat will be held in November in Chicago, IL. Interested? Email me at clynn@clynnwilliams.com
Happy Relating!
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Communications, 2013)
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
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