Want Your Son to Talk to You?
Ever felt like if you yelled a little louder, he (your son) would get it? Well he doesn’t get it, he actually retreats from you into a place where you can’t reach him.
Trust me, I know about these things, I’m a mother of two male adult children. Make it easy to talk to you – pass no judgments, no I told you so, no condescending remarks like “You’re just like your no-good father!” Just listen and let him talk. You will be surprised at what your son will say, once he starts talking.
Here is a link to my video on YouTube about communicating with your son: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m21r1QzYkY
C. Lynn Williams
#MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach
Mom Love
“Can you just love me as the daughter that I am?” That’s a question that many girls and women ask these days. “What did I do to make my mother treat me the way she does?” A friend of mine talks of how her mother belittles her and treats her like she’s a three year old. One of my adult students says that her mother can’t seem to find a kind word to say to her and she just avoids her. Why is that? As they say, there is nothing like a mother’s love. When you don’t have it, don’t you feel unbalanced?
In one of the chapters of my soon-to-be released book, “How to Raise Your Princess into a Queen”, I discuss what it means to be proud of your daughter. As a mother of two daughters, I remember how much I expected out of them.
My stepdaughter joined our family at the age of 16, so I didn’t get to participate in her training as a young girl. Yes I expected a lot from them, but I also explained why. I remember one of the conflicts that my daughter and I had, was when she became a teen. She told me that my expectations were too high for her. So we talked about it. Part of her problem with me was that I just told her what to do and didn’t seem to care how I said what I said. So it really wasn’t my expectations, but how I said what I expected. What did I expect?
• Be responsible
• Be respectable
• Finish school
• Believe in God
• Work & manage your money
• Respect your parents and other adults
• Think before you act
I think in all of the raising that we do with our daughters, we forget to be human with them, to love and enjoy them. Have a good relationship with your daughter. Talk to her, the way you would want her to talk to you if she were your mother. Cursing and harsh talking will not endear her to you. If she is a strong-willed person, like I was, not only will she not respect you, you may just tell you to jump in the lake. (I’m being funny here, but you don’t want an unnecessary fight on your hands.) Parenting is about gently leading and guiding our children, and teaching them right from wrong. As my grandmother used to say, “You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar”.
To raise the consciousness of our people (and I’m talking humans everywhere), we have to lead by example and do it with love. The way you treat her, will be the way she treats her children.
I am putting together a mother-daughter workshop that will be offered in late summer, 2013. Let me know if you have a story that you’d like to share with me.
My email is: cgwwbooks@yahoo.com
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru
Author & Parenting Coach
http://www.clynnwilliams.com
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013
Single By Choice?
My daughter attended a wedding this weekend of her former college roommate. When I asked her what she thought of the wedding, she surprised me by saying how interesting it was that the majority of the women, who attended, came unattached. Mind you these are not unattractive, uneducated women or candidates for spinsterhood. These are attractive, well educated, gainfully employed African-American women who for whatever reason chose to attend the wedding alone. My question was WHY? Where were their boyfriends, husbands, significant others?
Just for the record, my daughter is a Gen Yer, or considered part of the Millennial Generation. Known as “Generation Me”[1], characteristics of this generation are: confidence, tolerance and also a sense of entitlement and narcissism. Most in this generation believe that life owes them something wonderful and they don’t mind waiting for it. My generation was a little different. We met, dated and married men that our parents approved of (possibly despite their approval). Very few of the girls in my class chose not to marry.
The irony is that I too have a number of friends and associates who are single by choice. Many were once married and are now divorced or widowed; a handful have chosen to remain single. Those who divorced decided that men were crazy and they were not interested in tying the knot again! The good news is that my contemporaries are no longer having children. However, one problem that I see is that it appears that two generations of African-American women are single and raising children as single moms without the benefit or assistance of a husband or significant partner. You might say, “What’s wrong with that?” My answer is that we are crippling generations of children who don’t know what it means to have a dad and a mom in the same household. That’s a problem because of the difficulty of raising a child singly – exhaustion, financial, and discipline to name a few. Let alone the issues that single moms have raising boys. Add to that, households of children that are born with different fathers and little connectedness to their larger family unit (grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc.) and what we have is a breakdown of the African-American family unit.
I shared these thoughts with my sister (who is divorced by the way) and her perspective was entirely different. She felt that the problem was with African-American men. If men were more responsible, less unfaithful, more interested in raising families and employed, the world would be Perfect! I wonder what men would say about us? How do you feel? Let’s start a dialogue! Feel free to share your thoughts.
[1] Jean Twenge, author of the 20
06 book Generation Me
Happy Mother’s Day – Mothers Care!!!
Happy Mother’s Day to all! As my pastor explained yesterday in church, a mother is more than a biological designation. Any woman with the right ‘plumbing’ can have a child. However it takes someone who has nurtured, loved, and encouraged a child that is engaged in the act of mothering. That would explain the close bond that many athletes have with their coaches; how a foster or step parent can join a family and be the very glue that helps that family become close-knit; and how teachers who have never had children of their own, end up parenting hundreds of kids because of their love and concern for those students (my aunt – Priscilla).
I finally get it! As a mother, a coach (for three seasons – OMG) and a step parent, I care. The basic component of mothering is the caring. People thrive when you actively care for them. Caring can be shown in many ways. Maybe you are there to listen. Many teachers do that daily. There are lots of children who are growing up without someone at home to listen to them. A caring teacher who listens is a mother… Maybe you are a step parent or a foster parent or a guardian parent, and the only tie you have to your “child” is because of court appointment or through the legalities of marriage. Show compassion, be kind, care. Your kindness may not be appreciated right away, but in time, your child(ren) will talk about what they liked/loved about you..
Right now you may feel that your children may not appreciate all that you do to help them grow into magnificent men and women. Don’t worry; just keep loving, nurturing, giving, caring and starting all over again tomorrow doing the same thing. During those times when you feel too exhausted or discouraged to continue, pray for guidance and replenishment to continue caring and loving your child(ren). It will pay off in tremendous ways! You will see!
Take the rest of May and celebrate Mother’s Day with me! If you want to compare your parenting styles to the crazy parenting styles of different celebs, click on this link: http://www.crushable.com/2013/05/12/other-stuff/mothers-day-celebrity-parenting-advice/
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013
Peer Pressure is REAL
Missed a word..
It’s pretty easy to talk about peer pressure in teens. “Watch the people your kids pal around with because they are easily influenced.” I know it’s true because I always knew who my daughter and son hung around; their speech and mannerisms were the same as the new person with whom they had become friends. Many years ago, my mother would say “that girl is going to get you into trouble, stop associating with her.” I hated hearing those words because most times, she was right. In those days trouble meant I would eventually say something that wasn’t tolerated in our home, or ‘act fast’. Anything like that was enough to warrant my mom’s strong admonishment.
Last week on one of those rare evenings when I was out after 9 p.m., I noticed that most of t
he women had on the same type of shoes and wore the same hairstyle…
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Peer Pressure is REAL
It’s pretty easy to talk about peer pressure in teens. “Watch the people your kids pal around with because they are easily influenced.” I know it’s true because I always knew who my daughter and son hung around; their speech and mannerisms were the same as the new person with whom they had become friends. Many years ago, my mother would say “that girl is going to get you into trouble, stop associating with her.” I hated hearing those words because most times, she was right. In those days trouble meant I would eventually say something that wasn’t tolerated in our home, or ‘act fast’. Anything like that was enough to warrant my mom’s strong admonishment.
Last week on one of those rare evenings when I was out after 9 p.m., I noticed that most of the women had on the same type of shoes and wore the same hairstyle. You know the look right? The shoes are what I call the Beyoncé heels and the hair is long and straight. Oh and I forgot to mention the leggings. Most of the ladies wore leggings. Now I’m not just talking about teen girls, women well into their 40’s are wearing these same styles. Some can wear them and look great, others, well let’s just say God made each of us uniquely and we need to develop our own inimitable style of dress.
That’s just the external bowing to peer pressure – looking like your friends. What bothers me is how many people act and think like their friends. Maybe personally you don’t feel the same way that your friend feels, but for example, if your girlfriend or your “boy” thinks somebody is not good enough, you agree. That’s pretty dangerous don’t you think? I mean if we want our children to be independent, critical thinkers, we have to be as well don’t we?
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013
Teen Girls will be GIRLS..
In the last two weeks, I have already read about or been involved with two teen girls who have gotten caught up sexually and been “slut shamed”. One girl was so embarrassed that she didn’t eat for three days and is transferring from the high school where she attends. The other girl committed suicide. Clearly the latter decision, a fatal one is terrible, however teen sex culture is rampant and telling your daughter not to have sex before marriage is not enough. By the way, the term slut shame is how teens respond when they learn that a classmate has been raped. Crazy huh? In the world of adults, it’s called blaming the victim. http://tinyurl.com/bw3d8hr
I believe we (parents, guardians, teachers, and counselors) must use every opportunity as teachable moments to talk to the young ladies in our midst. Watch the reality shows and music videos with our teen girls and talk about the impressions that these types of media are making. Shows like Real Housewives of Atlanta, OC, NJ, etc., portray a negative side of women (and men). The widely watched music videos portray women scantily dressed or waiting by the phone for a guy. Life may be like that, but is that the kind of adult scene you want your teen daughters exposed to?
I often change subjects on my community college students and talk about Life. When we talk about life, any topic is fair game. You would be amazed at their thoughts and ideas! I recently asked them what they considered sex, and at the answers that I got were pretty weird! It’s common to want attention from your peers. Many girls want that attention by wearing revealing clothing, make-up or hair. Often parents are not home when their daughters leave for school, and are unaware of what they are wearing to school. Not only do we need to know what they are wearing to school, we need to know how they are “carrying” themselves as well. If your daughter thinks that giving sexual treats in the boys’ bathroom between classes is okay – IT IS NOT OKAY! Having a picture taken of her during this type of exploit and sending it to everyone in the senior class (sexting) is also not okay, nor is it a way to gain popularity.
In this highly sexualized culture, we know how very important it is for our young girls to be popular. What we have to do is help our girls learn more acceptable ways to become popular. Appearing sexually enticing will only lead to sexting, loss of reputation, unwanted sexual assaults or ‘too early’ sex, depression.. Just my thoughts.
C. Lynn Williams,
Author and Parenting Coach
#MsParentGuru
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter (available in late spring, 2013)
12/14 Parenting
I listened to the 60 Minutes interview of the Newtown parents and people who lost children and loved ones in the December 14th Sandy Hook Elementary massacre. The Newtown group has successfully lobbied for historic gun control legislation, which was signed into law by Connecticut’s Gov. Dannel Malloy last week. The group is now hoping the gun control legislation will be signed into law by the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate. It was a very difficult show to watch as the parents talked about how important the new legislation was, and while it wouldn’t protect their child who had been killed, it would (hopefully) save countless other lives. The parents that spoke out during the 60 Minutes interview were pretty ordinary, everyday parents like you and me. What was profound were words they used like “there seems to be a sense of complacency in this country” or “loving my child does not mean I give my child everything he wants”. There are many parents who have lost their children to gun violence, who were not privy to television interviews or continuous news coverage, yet the message is still the same. How do we protect our children from the dangers of senseless shootings? As one father said, better parenting has to take place. We can legislate gun control, but we can’t legislate sound parenting. At the risk of sounding judgmental, parents – be a parent, not your child’s friend. Are you living with an out of control teen or twenty-something?
Is your son or daughter running rampant, ignoring your rules, coming and going as they please? Do you need help parenting your kids? For help, contact me at: cgwillnot@comcast.net Will more restrictive legislation curb the gun violence? I don’t know, but I do know that doing nothing means we get more of the same, senseless KILLINGS!
C. Lynn Williams,
Author and Parenting Coach
#MsParentguru
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010) 
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012) 
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter (available in late spring, 2013)
Manners Matter
I belong to an era where men opened doors for women and children, trash was thrown into garbage cans, and men removed their hats when they entered a building. Women and girls also ‘dressed up’ to go shopping. Dressing up meant my hair was freshly shampooed and curled (by my grandmother), I had on a nice dress, anklet socks, black patent leather shoes and white gloves. We usually took the bus to the “Loop” and visited Marshall Fields and several other stores located on State Street in Chicago.
Dressing up to shop or dine changed dramatically by the late 70’s and early 80’s, and our societal rules relaxed, where people became comfortable dressing (and acting) more casually. Now it’s not uncommon to go to a restaurant to dine and see people dressed in sweats or very casual outfits, including men wearing hats while they eat, or women wearing hair rollers or night caps. I have even seen men keep their hats on during Christian worship services. Don’t get me wrong, I love dressing casually too. But I wonder if being more casual has resulted in a general loss of manners? It’s one thing to dress casually, but today some people empty trash from their car onto the street. It doesn’t matter whether it is emptying the ashtray or an empty McDonald’s bag. You open the window of your car, and throw it out. It’s also not uncommon for people to spit on the street; walk their dogs and leave the remains on your grass, or curse you out for driving too slowly. Last Sunday, a man was asked to remove his hat during church service and instead of removing it, he left the church. What kind of world are we living in?
While each of these events is random and unrelated to each other, I can’t help wondering how our actions are affecting today’s youth. They are watching us – the adults in their lives. Is our lack of civility and good manners reasons that many of our youth are disrespectful and disconnected from us?
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013
Can Your Daughter’s Friends Influence Her Eating Habits?
Is your daughter fixated on her weight? Does she consider herself fat? Does she feel that she gains weight no matter how little she eats? Right now I have a couple of students who worry about eating or drinking anything for fear of gaining weight.
As graduation approached for my daughter, I remember the photographer telling her that she needed to stop eating “all those cookies” and lose weight, so that she would look good in her prom dress. My daughter and I laughed at the time, but little did I know, that she took those words to heart, and began watching what she was eating. By the time prom occurred, she was tiny! So were her girlfriends.
According to Journal of Youth and Adolescence, a girl’s peers exert more influence on her dissatisfaction with her body, more so than TV actresses or social media. Dangerous weight control such as excessive dieting or bulimic tendencies often begins during the tween years. For some reason, excessive weight control does not affect girl “jocks”. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130130143628.htm
The words “You’re fat” can easily send a t(w)een girl into an eating disorder spiral.
This theory isn’t new to parents. Can’t you tell what peers your daughter is involved with based on how she acts? I certainly could. Are you concerned with your daughter’s obsession with weight? If so, ask your health care provider or school personnel to suggest a prevention or intervention program that will help her better control any obsessive eating tendencies.
C. Lynn Williams – #MsParentguru
Author & Parenting Coach
Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
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