Posts tagged ‘Child’

Manners Matter

Have you ever seen something and wondered – ‘Did I just see that!’ 

I was driving on the expressway and traffic was really congested. In broad daylight a man pulled over to the side of the road and proceeded to pull out his genitals and use the bathroom! WHAT?!? Seriously!?! I thought what kind of home training did he have?

In another situation, a woman begins to talk on her phone. You can hear the voice on the other end of the phone because she has her caller on speakerphone. Why?

I met with one of my clients last week, at a public playroom for kids, since she had her kiddos with her. The playroom reminded me of when my kids were invited to places to play with each other while parents got to know each other. The biggest difference between then and now is that a few of the parents were on their phones while their child played.

What she did next got my attention. Before allowing her son to play with the other kids, she reminded him of the ‘house rules‘. The house rules were her expectations of his behavior. “Play nice.” “Hitting is not a way to resolve a problem.” Her little guy was only 4 1/2 years old, but he was being taught how to handle conflict and remain mannerable! She said that she noticed that when he and another child had conflict, he would hit. She wanted to teach him other ways to resolve conflict besides hitting (or taking what he wanted). Manners do matter, maybe not to adults who urinate on the side of expressways or when talking on speakerphone in public places. 

Manners are behaviors that are taught either by how you are raised or what you see at home. If kids are taught to be mannerable by adults who are mannerable, then that’s what they are. If the environment where you live, permits misbehavior like disrespect, littering, fighting, road rage, temper tantrums, things like that; then manners don’t matter to you.

But we live in a global society, where people from many cultures are expected to get along with each other. Manners matter because how we live our everyday lives spills over into how we treat each other and our neighbors. Respecting each other, protecting our environment and raising our children to do the same is what matters.

Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting relationship programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons or Fathers and Daughters.

Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker

www.clynnwilliams.com

May 30, 2017 at 1:41 pm Leave a comment

The Good..The Bad..The Ugly

Even though my kids are adults, I’m still an involved mom because I talk with one or all of them daily about the good, the bad, and the ugly in their lives. It’s sort of like being on call. I find that I constantly manage my life and work (marriage too) around theirs. Moms who are reading this know what I’m talking about if this happens to you: You have a perfect plan to complete the chapter for your next book and receive a call from your daughter who needs to talk. Do you tell her – “I’m sorry I have a deadline for this chapter and I’ll have to talk with you later”? Or, do you put on your mother hat, and listen to her talk out the 20th problem that is ruining her life?

Whatever you decide, stress sets in when you allow too many of your children’s problems and concerns to hijack your day, week, or month. It’s difficult to say no to our kids, because we are so used to doing for them. However, since they are used to being cared for by us, it can become a challenge letting them grow into the wonderful, self-sufficient adults that we know they can be. Statistics show that 25% of parents are using their retirement to pay rent or groceries for their millennial children (21 years or older).communicating-with-adult-children-1c7xd8i

For Superwomen like me, here are some ideas on how to achieve less stress when it comes to your children:

  1. Take a moment to think about your answer and what you are committing to before you commit. For example if your son asks you to pay his car insurance (“Just for this month Mom”). Think about what it does to your budget. If you can afford it. What lessons does it teach him?
  2. Listen without advising the next time your daughter asks you what should she do about the guy that she’s been dating for five years. (You’re not crazy about him anyway, so keeping your opinions to yourself will be very challenging.)
  3. Let the call go to voicemail when your child calls you for the 5th time today because she can’t figure something out. I know this is really a tough one because who else will talk her through if not you. Give her some time to build her mental muscle (she is a superwoman in the making) and call her later. You will be surprised to see how she worked out her problem and matured a little more in the process.

 

Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons or Fathers and Daughters.

Click Here to receive my newsletter and notices of my future events.

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker

www.clynnwilliams.com

January 13, 2017 at 9:16 pm Leave a comment

Merry Christmas

merry-christmas christmas-family
I love the festivities of Christmas whether I’m addressing Christmas cards, buying gifts (I hate wrapping them), putting up decorations and getting the house ready for Christmas and Kwanzaa. I’ve to be careful in what I want out of the holidays – enjoyable time with my family versus a stressed out wife and mom who tries to do everything. My enthusiasm for trying to do everything, makes a wonderful time of year just another huge exhausting commitment!

As adults and parents, we know how hectic the holidays can be, however our excitement may not translate to our teens and adult children. Our kids may be finishing projects or exams and it just seems that Mom (or Dad) are ‘doing too much’.

Here are four tips to keep the holiday season in perspective and enjoyable for you and your children:

1) Don’t try to do everything yourself. Ask your kids and spouse for help. A great example is buying and dressing the Christmas tree. We love having a tree and even when I least feel like decorating the tree, one of our kids will help, takeover the job entirely or talk to me until I’ve finished ‘dressing’ the tree.

2) Relax your expectations. You may get push-back from your college kids if you expect them to get up (early) on a Saturday morning and go shopping. Early Saturdays may be a great time to take the younger kids to see Santa Claus or make cookies. You can still have family time, without the stress and attitudes.

3) Take some time for you. If sleeping late on a Saturday or Sunday morning is not possible, then go workout, slip out to yoga class (while everyone is asleep) or take yourself shopping and enjoy being in the stores without someone constantly calling your name.

4) Do something different this year. Consider starting a new tradition with your family. It makes getting ready for the holidays so much more exciting. As a kid, my family drove through different neighborhoods looking at Christmas decorations. That was so much fun because my siblings, parents and I were all together! As a parent, my kids and I took the train to Chicago and watched the Lighting Ceremony at the Magnificent Mile. Oh boy! Was that fun!! Depending on the age of your children, let them help decide what new and exciting family activity you will try for the holidays!

To make this time even more special, we’ve prepared a wonderful Christmas gift to help you get ready for the Holiday spirit! Quantities are limited! To receive your Christmas gift, send me an email with your name & mailing address. I will send you my very special gift!

Quantities are limited so email me right away!hannukah

If you would like to learn about my activities and events before everyone else Click Here to join my parenting community.

 

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentgurukwanzaa

Family Dynamics Strategist, Coach & Author

www.clynnwilliams.com

December 16, 2016 at 6:53 pm 3 comments

Gun Violence Begins at Home

acceptance

Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, all I wanted was to be accepted for who I was – glasses and all, and look like my best girlfriend Susan. What I later learned is that it wouldn’t have mattered what I looked like, because most kids wanted to look like or be someone else.

While most of my friends had strict parents, I didn’t have any close friends (that I knew of) whose parents were verbally (or physically) cruel. I say that because as a kid we had parental permission to visit our close friends and I often watched how my friends’ moms and dads interacted with them. Yes I’ve been fascinated with family dynamics since I was a kid. I know what it’s like to grow up in a house where you’re constantly criticized or made to feel bad for who you are. I’ve seen it firsthand. As a child, it feels awful to be constantly criticized.Not Communicating

I also feel sorry for parents who expect to have (what they consider to be) normal kids, who aren’t. Maybe the child is sick, disabled/handicapped or have a different sexual orientation. It’s understandable to expect your child to grow up and be awesome! All parents want that. But when your child grows up and chooses a career or life that you did not expect or don’t value as acceptable, what do you do?

I believe you internalize your disappointment and think you’ve failed as a parent. Depending on your upbringing, you become critical of that young man or woman and say hurtful things that create division and separation. But let me tell you what can happen to that young man or woman; they feel rejected and hurt. You may never hear those feelings because it’s not safe for them to share them with you. If the dynamics in your household is violence and anger, they internalize that too.

Think about it! The gun violence over the last 6 years has often been random and impersonal. As a kid, if you haven’t been hugged, kissed or told how much you are loved (by your parents); if your only validation was to be told ‘How stupid you are’, ‘You’ll never amount to anything’, ‘I wish you were never born’ or ‘Shut up’; you’re ignored or beaten, it is easy to see how you would internalize those feelings and become bitter.

Anytime I read or hear about a mass or random shooting, I wonder what kind of environment that person grew up in. Were they loved, nurtured and well-cared for? Or were they allowed to do their own thing and somewhat ignored because their parents worked (a lot), didn’t know how to reach out to them, didn’t care. Gun violence photo

I am truly sorry for the mass shootings in Orlando, as well as the daily shootings in Chicago. Folks wake up! It’s not too late to reestablish a loving relationship with your child – no matter how old they are. ♥♥

Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for aging parents, Mothers and Daughters or Mothers and Sons. Email me at: info@clynnwilliams.com

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru

Family Dynamics Strategist, Coach & Author

www.clynnwilliams.com

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)
Yours & Mine: The Winning Blended Family Formula (220 Publishing, 2015)

 

June 15, 2016 at 11:21 am 4 comments

Parent Goodies – Video Blog (Letting Kids Make Mistakes)

We are told that making mistakes helps us grow.
As parents, it’s hard to let our kids make mistakes. making mistakes
Click here to view: https://youtu.be/QK09flTHbyw

Enjoy!

Ms. Parent Guru

July 19, 2015 at 11:09 pm 2 comments

Do Your Kids #Misbehave? Here’s What You Can Do…

Sharing a post written by Ray Mathis on misbehavior in kids. I like what he says because he agrees with my 4-Goals-of-Misbehavior-Understanding-Your-Childs-Actionsphilosophy that when you parent and correct the “mis” behavior of your kids, you can’t respond emotionally. When we respond emotionally, we overreact and the message is lost on our children. See a portion of his article below.

Why Kids Do Things That Aren’t Good for Them & What to do About It

Why do kids do things like that?!

I’ve heard exasperated adults ask that question hundreds of times during my forty year career working with young people. I’ve heard kids ask the same question about their parents and I’ve asked the same question about mine. I first learned the answer in a basic psychology class in college: People start and continue to do things because it serves a purpose. Behavior is always goal-orientated.[1] There are three things which can lead to misbehavior in children: mistaken goals, emotions, and beliefs.

Mistaken Goals

It’s probably safe to assume that most people would like to live as long as they can, be healthy, happy, and successful; however, people often have what Rudolph Dreikurs[2] called mistaken goals[3] which takes them off course. They get something out of acting on these mistaken goals; however, their actions make it less likely that they’ll get what they really want in the long run. This definitely applies to children.

Dreikurs suggested that when kids experience feelings of not belonging to their social group, they engage in misbehavior which arises from one of four mistaken goals:

Think about a difficult interaction with your child, a child you’ve cared for, or a student in your classroom.

Did you feel annoyed? Perhaps the child’s goal was getting attention.
Did you feel beaten or intimidated? Perhaps the child’s goal was power and control.
Did you feel hurt? Perhaps the child’s goal was revenge.
Did you feel incapable? Perhaps the child’s goal was helplessness or inadequacy.

Consider that misbehavior in kids may be the tip of the iceberg. There can be things going on beneath the surface of a child’s mind, especially when they do things we don’t like, or that aren’t good for them. Misbehavior can be a symptom of the thoughts and feelings a child may need help with rather than the problem.

Emotions

Emotions can serve as energy to enhance our lives; however, people often generate what I call a dysfunctional amount of emotion – more emotion than is helpful or necessary, more than they want to have, and more than they know what to do with. It works against them instead of for them.[4][5] Anger, anxiety, depression, shame, and guilt can fit these definitions. As an educator, I’ve seen people do many unhealthy, self-defeating, unacceptable, and even self-destructive things when they felt these emotions. I saw my parents do it too. My father did it by smoking and drinking. My mother did it by engaging in emotional eating.[6]

READ THE ARTICLE: http://ourmomspot.net/community/index.php?topic=10666.msg113571#msg113571

If you liked what you read, register @ Our Parenting Spot for more great articles, info and camaraderie with other parents just like you & me. So… how do you handle misbehavior in your children? Reach out to me on Twitter (@cgwwbook) or Facebook (CGWWBooks)

 

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach
www.clynnwilliams.com

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! (220 Publishing, 2013)

July 28, 2014 at 5:17 pm 4 comments

It Doesn’t Matter if You’re Black or White

bboy

Let’s take an honest look at an ugly topic – RACE. There I said it! Not just race itself, but what happens when we allow race to permeate our thoughts, feelings and our perceptions. Think about your son or, or if you’re younger and sans kids – your brother. Did it ever occur to you that your child (brother) is held responsible or labeled because of his race? Let me give you an example. When you are walking down the street and you see a black boy walking in your direction, do you a) Cross the street; b) Clutch your purse tightly or c) Continue walking without fear? Or, what would be your first thought if you heard that an altercation occurred between your child and another student? Would you assume it was the other child’s fault? How about if the other child was a black child? What would be your assumptions?

When my son was three years old, his daycare provider (a friendly, white woman) took care of him and several other kids, including her own. We lived in the same neighborhood and our older children attended school together. She was fanatical about cleanliness and that was okay because who wants their child in a pig sty. She loved her family and believed in God. Important points for me! We were off to a great relationship! At least that was what I thought. One day I after work, I picked up my son and she told me that he bit her son. What? Biting was not new to me because my son bit another child at the previous daycare provider. I was very concerned because biting is aggressive act and I needed to know what was going on in my young son’s mind that made him think biting was acceptable. My husband and I would address those concerns with him once we got home. What I wasn’t prepared for were the next words out of my daycare provider’s mouth. She said that he was an aggressive kid and that he would probably grow up and kill someone someday! WHAT?!? At the previous daycare provider, her toddler son (white) started the biting phenomenon and bit our son. I’m not sure if he was punished, but one thing I know, his mother did not decide that he was aggressive and would grow up and one day kill someone. As a matter of fact, she apologized for his behavior, kind of laughed and said “boys will be boys”.  Two different kids, same behavior was judged differently. The only difference is that one kid was black (African American) and one was white. boy-white

More recently I was talking about parenting to a business partner of mine who has three sons. Her sons go to predominantly white schools and the youngest tends to show his feelings (good or bad) though facial expressions. He has not learned the art of masking those feelings yet. In any case, her son’s teacher told him to stop doing something and he continued to do it. She told him a second time and he made a face and said okay. She wrote him up and called his mother. Okay! When my business partner asked her son why he didn’t stop when he was instructed, he told her he wasn’t ready to stop. He also told her that Johnnie (white) did the same thing but he was not told to stop. Now you can spin that anyway you like. Should both sons be admonished equally? Of course, but what is happening in many classrooms is that behavior is viewed differently and punishments, suspensions, and expulsions are more severe for children particularly boys of color. WHY IS THAT? And WHAT can we do about it?

Race may not be an issue in countries where people physically look the same. In those instances you are most likely judged by socio-economic standards like who your parents are and whether you have money or don’t. In this country, the United States, race is an out of control issue that is based in fear and needs to be addressed personally as well as societally.  In Michael Jackson’s song – Black or White, I have to say – it does matter if you’re black or white. You ARE judged by the color of your skin and not necessarily the content of your character. Isn’t that a shame…

C. Lynn Williams
Author & Speaker

http://www.clynnwilliams.com

cgwwbooks@yahoo.com

September 13, 2013 at 11:43 am 5 comments

Surviving Loss

One of my former students lost her mother yesterday. Her daughter, (also a former student) told me about it today and it took me back five years ago when I lost my own mother. My initial feels of numbness and grief, turned into days of feeling lost and disconnected. Then I could hardly put two thoughts together without being reduced to tears. Weird huh?

What was funny about my reaction after losing my mother was that my sister was closest to my mom; they talked regularly throughout the day, and were cooking and drinking buddies.  My mom and I talked daily but relied on each other in different ways. Being more private in my thoughts I didn’t feel the need to share everything with my mom. She taught me how to be resourceful, so I shared problems that I couldn’t figure out alone. Yet when I did share my secrets with her, I could count on her to keep them secret forever. Yes, we were mother & daughter, but we were also good friends, quite different from our relationship during my years as a teenager! Mom was my chief strategist in many ways. Her suggestions and ideas guided me through relationships, both work & personal, childrearing, and through all of my entrepreneurial pursuits. Mothers are a part of our lives in so many ways, is it possible to exist when that relationship comes to an end?

To read more about my thoughts (personal & parenting) about mother & daughter relationships, preorder a copy of my soon to be released book, “Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES!”…

C. Lynn Williams
Author & Speaker

http://www.clynnwilliams.com

cgwwbooks@yahoo.com

September 11, 2013 at 10:35 am 1 comment

Letting Your College Student Go…

LEAVING-FOR-COLLEGE-large570

Did you ever imagine that you would be putting forlorn messages on your social media sites like ‘We just dropped my daughter off to school and I can’t stop crying’ or ‘I drove my son to school today and we’ve talked twice since then.’? What is it about parting with your part teen/part adult child that reduces us moms to emotional blobs?I believe there is something very final about taking your son or daughter to college. Your mind tells you that you will see them again soon (probably at Homecoming), and yet at that very moment, your heart is breaking into tiny pieces. In spite of the arguments and minor irritations that we face with our college-bound kids, the fact is, things will never be the same again. Yes we know they will come home for winter and summer breaks, but it won’t feel quite the same, because you both will have changed.

The summer of 2003, we drove my daughter to college. It had been fraught with argument and irritations. We could barely tolerate each other! I could not believe how many shoes she was taking to a tiny dorm room, and why was it necessary to take both cars (both her dad and I drove down, each with a carload full of items)? As much as my daughter and I love each other, the weeks leading up to her departure were tortuous! Once we arrived at her dorm, we met her roommate and her roommate’s parents, helped her get settled in, attended parent orientation and then got on the road to return home. Of course I had plenty of time to replay our final words and felt quite foolish for arguing when I knew I would miss her terribly. I cried like a baby all the way home.

So mothers & dads, if this is your son or daughter’s first year at ‘school’, you have my permission to reminisce, shed a few tears or drink a much needed glass of wine. Salute!

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Author & Parent Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)

Raising Your Daughter Through the Joys, Tears & HORMONES! Available August, 2013 – release date Aug 23rd

August 20, 2013 at 11:43 pm 1 comment

Happy Mother’s Day – Mothers Care!!!

silhouette of mother kissing her daughter

Happy Mother’s Day to all! As my pastor explained yesterday in church, a mother is more than a biological designation. Any woman with the right ‘plumbing’ can have a child. However it takes someone who has nurtured, loved, and encouraged a child that is engaged in the act of mothering. That would explain the close bond that many athletes have with their coaches; how a foster or step parent can join a family and be the very glue that helps that family become close-knit; and how teachers who have never had children of their own, end up parenting hundreds of kids because of their love and concern for those students (my aunt – Priscilla).

I finally get it! As a mother, a coach (for three seasons – OMG) and a step parent, I care. The basic component of mothering is the caring. People thrive when you actively care for them. Caring can be shown in many ways. Maybe you are there to listen. Many teachers do that daily. There are lots of children who are growing up without someone at home to listen to them. A caring teacher who listens is a mother… Maybe you are a step parent or a foster parent or a guardian parent, and the only tie you have to your “child” is because of court appointment or through the legalities of marriage. Show compassion, be kind, care. Your kindness may not be appreciated right away, but in time, your child(ren) will talk about what they liked/loved about you..

Right now you may feel  that your children may not appreciate all that you do to help them grow into magnificent men and women. Don’t worry; just keep loving, nurturing, giving, caring and starting all over again tomorrow doing the same thing. During those times when you feel too exhausted or discouraged to continue, pray for guidance and replenishment to continue caring and loving your child(ren). It will pay off in tremendous ways! You will see!

Take the rest of May and celebrate Mother’s Day with me! If you want to compare your parenting styles to the crazy parenting styles of different celebs, click on this link: http://www.crushable.com/2013/05/12/other-stuff/mothers-day-celebrity-parenting-advice/

C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentGuru
Author & Parenting Coach

Trying to Stay Sane While Raising Your Teen (St. Paul Press, 2010)
The Pampered Prince: Moms Create a GREAT Relationship with Your Son (St. Paul Press, 2012)
How to Turn Your Princess Into a Queen – The Art of Raising an Awesome Daughter available in late spring, 2013

May 14, 2013 at 2:53 am 12 comments

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