Co-Parenting Tips For The Holidays
Great article by Kelly Frawley and Emily Pollock
Having survived divorce and coparenting, I appreciate the pointers that are listed here for parents who are divorced and share custody.
“The most wonderful time of the year” has the potential to become not so wonderful when parents who share custody of their children don’t have a mutually agreeable holiday plan in place. This isn’t the time for arguments over who’s getting which day or who’s buying what gift; a carefully thought-out plan can help you avoid tension and uncertainty so that all of you — most importantly, your kids — can enjoy a drama-free winter break.
When deciding how to schedule time and collaborate during the holidays, co-parents should take a number of factors into account: the children’s ages, family traditions and religious beliefs, how well the parents get along, and the kind of relationships the parents have with each of the children (it’s important to respect the traditions that are important to each of them). You might also want to factor in what happens during other school breaks during the year. For example, if one parent traditionally takes the kids on a vacation during spring break, then perhaps the other should get the bulk of winter break.
Looking at the big picture can help you see the logical plan for your family.
Setting a Sensible Schedule
Co-parents typically choose to manage the holiday season one of two ways:
1. Alternating years. One parent keeps the children for the entire winter break in odd-numbered years; the other parent gets them for the entire break in even-numbered years. This approach enables each parent, in their designated years, to plan a lengthy trip or schedule activities throughout the break period without needing to worry about giving the other parent equal time. It tends to work best when neither parent has a strong affinity for the season. Perhaps their religious traditions are celebrated at other times of year; a family may have already celebrated Hanukkah, for example, which often falls before winter break.
The downside of this type of arrangement is that one parent is deprived of holiday time with the children during the parent’s “off” years. This causes many co-parents, especially those who place a high value on holiday traditions, to take a different approach.
2. Equal time. Often, co-parents divide winter break in half, which typically gives each of them a week to celebrate the holidays or take a trip with their kids. They may alternate years when considering who takes the first week versus the second, since Christmas usually falls in the first. Parents may also choose to split the time by day, particularly when it comes to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. By each taking one of these important days, both parents, as well as the children, get meaningful Christmas time together each year.
In situations where co-parents get along, a third possibility arises: giving the children time with both parents together. For example, children who believe in Santa and cherish Christmas mornings might appreciate having both parents present in those festivities. In fact, children of any age might appreciate a visit by their other parent, as long as the experience remains amicable.
Buying Gifts: Together or Separately?
If your winter break includes a gift-giving occasion, it makes good sense to collaborate with your ex-spouse so you don’t duplicate gifts for your children or inadvertently neglect to buy the gifts they wanted most because you assumed the other parent was buying them. In a Santa situation, discuss who is responsible for that experience. Will it change year to year based on who has the kids on Christmas, or will you work together?
The more collaborative you can be, the better. However, if you absolutely cannot work with your ex-spouse, then it’s important to work through counsel to determine who will be responsible for what so you don’t put your children through undue awkwardness or stress.
You may also want to consider taking your children shopping so they can buy a holiday gift for the other parent. It teaches children not only about giving, but shows that you encourage kindness towards your ex-spouse.
Making the Plan Official (more…)
Modern Moms Embrace The Holidays 🦃🎅🏽🎄
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and Christmas soon after. How are you feeling? Is the stress building up?
I am so excited 😆 about seeing my new grandson Baby A, my kids and the many family members that will join us for dinner. However, I think about all of the things that need to get done 😝before we sit down to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s pretty overwhelming!
I’m a list creator, so I’ll create a list of things that need to be done like grocery shopping (3 different stores), chop up onions and celery for the dressing, clean off my kitchen counter… 😩
One of the biggest things for me is deciding what to do first 🤔? The second biggest thing I need to think about is who can I delegate the tasks to that I don’t want to do??
What about you? Which best describes you getting ready for Thanksgiving or any other major holiday?
“I can’t wait for the holidays” or “I’m exhausted just thinking about all that I need to do to get ready for the holidays”.
I have to admit that I love the holidays, but it’s also easy to feel completely overwhelmed, especially if you like things to be done perfectly. If you’re the type of person who has a thousand tasks, then creating a timeline will help you tremendously! A timeline also allows you to decide who can help you with tasks, whether other family members live with you or are willing to come by and help out.
If you’re a single parent and your kiddos are too young to help with the tasks, think about cutting down on some of the holiday tasks, so that you’re not overwhelmed. For example you may decide, not to decorate the outside of the house or perhaps you get an artificial tree instead of a real one because there’s less clean-up after the holidays.
As you put together a timeline of the things that need to be done, be sure to schedule time for something fun for you too. Book a hot stones massage, attend a yoga class or schedule girls’ night out.
Yes the majority of the responsibility for keeping holiday traditions and customs falls to “Mom”. But… it doesn’t mean that we have to be exhausted and irritable once guests arrive.
I talk about these and more ways to help busy moms reenergize in my upcoming online course. There are five seats left. Reply to this email to hold your seat.
These concepts work whether you are married and busy or single and busy. Stop letting holiday blues get you down and let’s “deck the halls” together.
Happy Thanksgiving 🍁🦃
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
8 Tips for Saving Money When Shopping for Halloween at Walmart
By guest blogger – Kristin Louis
The spooky season is upon us, and with it comes shopping and prep work. If you’re tight on money, it can be a bit intimidating to think of all the stuff you need to buy, especially with Christmas just a couple of months down the line. That’s why we have collected the best tips to save cash while shopping for Halloween at your favorite stores like Walmart.
Look for Rakuten Cash Back Opportunities
The single best thing you can do to save money while shopping at big-box retailers is to keep an eye out for coupons and promo codes. Rakuten is a great place to look, with hundreds of great deals at stores like Walmart, Target, Amazon, and Macy’s. So, before you start shopping, check out Rakuten to see what cash back opportunities are available.
Set a Budget
Before you start shopping, it helps to decide how much money you are willing to spend on Halloween. Bear in mind the costs of upcoming holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, as well as how much you usually spend. The good news is that Halloween doesn’t tend to be a particularly expensive holiday: the average American spends $86.79 a year on the holiday.
Buy Cheaper Pumpkins
If going to a pumpkin patch every year is part of your family tradition, you can skip this one. However, if all you want is a pumpkin you can carve with your family, chances are it will be a lot cheaper if you head to the grocery store or to a big-box store. A large pumpkin from a pumpkin patch can cost as much as $14 to $20, while Walmart sells them for as little as $5.
Get Crafty with Your Decorations
Why spend loads of money on mass-produced plastic decorations when you can achieve great results with some basic craft supplies and some creativity? Redbook has a great collection of craft projects that are perfect for working on as a family. Try the adorable paper bats or flower pot spider with young kids, or get teens involved in making some bloody-looking candles.
DIY Your Costume
Homemade costumes aren’t just cheaper than their store-bought counterparts; they are also a lot more fun and creative. You can find loads of great homemade costume ideas online, from the super basic to more advanced and original projects like a disco ball or a cactus.
Have a Costume Swap Party
Another option if you want to save money on costumes is to organize a costume swap with friends or, if you have kids, with other parents. Green Child Magazine recommends setting up a costume swap in your local community and giving it enough time for everyone to get organized. The first Saturday of October is ideal, but any time around the start of the month also works.
Shop Around for the Best Candy Deals
Don’t start panic-buying candy the second it comes onto the shelves. Most major stores have great bulk deals during the month of October, so it pays to be strategic. According to Good Housekeeping, some of the best places to buy candy this year are Target, Walmart, and Party City. Where possible, combine sales with those online coupons to get an extra good deal.
Makeup, Not Masks
Scary Halloween masks can be expensive, but that’s not the only downside. As an adult, they are inconvenient and get in the way of drinking or eating, and for a child, they can be unsafe. Instead of buying a mask, learn how to do some cool Halloween makeup with tutorials. Bonus points if you can do it with regular makeup items you can pick up at the drugstore.
Halloween doesn’t have to be expensive. In fact, the more creative you get with your costumes, decorations, and activities, the more fun you are going to have. Start planning your shopping now so you can focus on putting together the perfect Halloween for your friends and family. Then, once November rolls around, don’t forget to look out for those deals on candy!
Happy Halloween!
Have a Son – Be Prepared to Be Swept Off Your Feet
My grandson is 7 months old and his personality is coming out more and more. I’m always happy to hear about his latest discovery and activity. While my daughter and son-in-law believe in Baby A sleeping in his own bed, lately he has been sleeping in theirs.
My daughter says she woke up one morning and Baby A had his arm around her neck, like a boyfriend and she was amused. Her hubby wasn’t…
Here’s what I know:
Moms are the first “girl” that their son knows…
He quickly learns that she takes care of him a lot, especially if she is breastfeeding him.
She plays with him and he loves it, so he gives her attention and unconditional love.
Unconditional love is intoxicating like a delicious bottle of wine…
You can’t get enough of it.
As baby boys get older, they bring their “favorite girl” (Mom) flowers (dandelions), gifts (worms or rocks) and anything else that will make her smile. Mom of course loves the gifts and the attention, and now the sweeping off your feet is taking place.
There is nothing like a son. Depending on his home environment, he will always be concerned about “Mom”. It’s a wonderful relationship to have as long as we remember that our sons will grow up, fall in love and leave home.
Let him and welcome the person that he chooses.
He will always be your son and you will always be his mother.
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics?
Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons, Fathers and Daughters or Fathers and their Sons.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
Lessons Learned Don’t Have to Be Seen As Mistakes
Last week, I was giving myself a good talking to because I kept finding mistakes with a project I was working on. Once I realized the negative self-talk that was happening in my head, I stopped and talked to myself. Now before you think I’m crazy, think for minute about how you self-correct.
You do self-correct, right?
So, let’s get back to the mistakes… No one likes to make them; however, they are part of what makes us human, and often we learn more from mistakes than we do from anything else.
I reminded myself
that I was learning something new (about the topic and myself) and what was
important was the lessons that I was
learning. There was nothing wrong with making mistakes. What the
Universe was also showing me, was that I consider myself a lifelong learner. How
can you be a true learner, without making mistakes.
Here’s what I was saying to myself: I was so ready to beat
myself up and throw in the towel! What was wrong with me? Why was I making so many
mistakes?
I thought about these negative messages and wondered if my peers (that are women) talk the same way to themselves? And, do my peers that are men talk to themselves the way we women do when they make mistakes?
I also had to tell myself that I learned more that day from that series of mistakes than I learned when I do things in what I consider an organized way.
The other question that I thought about on that day, is how many of us, self-correct the negative thoughts we have before we talk to our children and/or the people that work for us?
Lessons learned don’t have to be seen as mistakes…
They are just lessons learned…
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
The Voices Heard Before Suicide
Suicide is a profound tragedy…
My daughter was a young girl when my brother committed suicide. I was devastated. He had been suffering with a chronic illness and told us he was praying to die, while we prayed for him to live.
He had talked about dying years before that because he was so unhappy. Suicide is seldom unplanned, and victims leave clues.
It is up to us to pay attention to those clues and intervene. That’s easy to say, and harder to do. There are lots of external influences that will make it challenging to notice the clues.
These days children are dealing with life issues that they don’t want to talk about. Bullying. Sexual abuse. Peer pressure. Parental expectations. Excelling in school. These issues are further exacerbated by the separatism that technology provides. Many of these issues young people face without appropriate coping skills. When an unpleasant event occurs they feel that life can’t go on and so they attempt suicide or they are successful. 🤯
I recently heard the story of a good kid who received detention at school and then was reprimanded by his s parents at home. Concerned that he had jeopardized his chances to get into a Ivy League school for college; he committed suicide. Did he leave any clues that he was fragile?
What about the girl who can no longer face school or online bullies and decides that suicide is a better alternative to living. What behaviors did her parents notice before she took her life?
How do we stop this madness?
Suicide is beyond devastating! It’s really bad when it happens to a child that you think is safe; has a good life; and looks normal.
Are there warning signs? They’re probably aren’t many if any unless you are watching intently and you are in tune with your child; even then there’s no guarantee that you will be aware of what’s going on.
Here is what I can tell you:
• Watch for changes of behavior
• Mood swings
• Quiet and withdrawn in an otherwise outgoing joyous kid
There’s no guarantee that you’ll catch the clues then, but it least if you start a conversation beyond ‘how was your day’; if you talk about how to build resilience; if you let your child know that there is nothing worth taking their life over…
Have those hard conversations now when everything is good. Let your child know that correcting their behavior is your job, but that you are always proud of them and love them.
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons, Fathers and Daughters or Fathers and their Sons.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
Do You Know the Difference Between Nurturing and Spoiling?
A spoiled child or spoiled brat is a derogatory term aimed at children who exhibit behavioral problems from being overindulged by their parents.
Do You Know the Difference Between Nurturing and Spoiling?
Let’s test your parental emotional quotient (EQ):
- What’s your response when your child falls (after you just told him to stop running) and he skins his knees?
- You hug him and remind him that if he’s not careful, he can fall and hurt himself.
- You scold him for running and tell him it was his fault that he fell.
How you answer that question has everything to do with how you were raised and what sense of security you are instilling in your child.
To have a happy, outgoing child, requires that you treat him (her) with patience, openness, love and kindness. You will not spoil your child by giving them hugs and kisses. You will cultivate a child that understands what love feels like and how to be kind.
Behavior correction (Discipline) is needed too, as long as it’s done:
- In moderation
- Age appropriately
- With clarity so that the child understands why
Often we may respond harshly or sarcastically to our child when what we really feel is our own fears (taking over) and feeling uncertain about how best to respond.
Depending on how we were treated as a child, nurturing was considered spoiling a child. There are many adults who are nurture-deficient and are looking for ways to feel better about who they are.
Spoiling a child is giving in to her (his) whims over and over. Nurturing a child is comforting them (mistakes made or not), listening without judgement, and caring how they feel.
I grew up in a generation where a child’s feelings were seldom taken into account unless he or she was sick. She was considered clingy if she needed hugs and kisses. Most likely she was told to “grow up” or “stop being a baby”.
I wanted well-adjusted, emotionally stable children, so I hugged a lot , and loved them as much as possible. As I matured, I learned to listen more.
My best advice is to follow your heart when it comes to your children. If it feels right to sit and hold them…
Give lots of hugs and kisses. Listen… alot.
If your parents or in-laws harass you about “spoiling” your kids, tell them like I told my father-in-law: “you can’t give too much love to your kids.”
Have daddy-daughter issues? My newest book, Daddy & Daughter Thoughts, addresses the complex and ever-evolving relationship between fathers and their daughters. Download your copy here: https://amzn.to/2JhPD8y
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author
What Babies Mean When They Cry
We were flying to Charleston, SC and there were lots of families on the flight with babies or young children. Two toddlers got my complete attention because of how intense and long their cries were. Both were toddler boys and the one on the airplane cried for about 30-45 minutes – probably because his ears were popping as we descended. I felt so sorry for him and his mom.
The other little boy was strapped in a stroller (at the airport) and none of his “kin” would take him out and soothe him. He was miserable!
I ❤️ watching children and their parents interact just because… Kids make parents earn their parent wings everyday because they are so unpredictable. Yet if you are in tune with your baby or very young child, you will be able to interpret what their crying means.
Since babies and often young children can’t communicate in words we understand, their crying means different things at different times. A baby may cry if she’s too hot or cold, if she’s lonely, if she needs a change of scenery and wants to move around, or if she just needs to “let it all out.”
I suspect if the child in the airplane had been allowed to walk up and down the aisle, he would have settled down.
Here are several reasons that babies cry:
• I’m hungry –
Listen for: A low-pitched, rhythmic, repetitive cry, combined with other signals such as rooting for the breast, a sucking motion with her tongue, lip-smacking, or putting her fingers into her mouth.
My grandson does this and my daughter says to him “Oh you’re hungry huh?” They understand each other perfectly.
• I’m tired or uncomfortable –
Listen for: A whiny, nasal, continuous cry that builds in intensity is usually baby’s signal that she’s had enough (as in, “Nap, please!” — usually accompanied by yawns, eye-rubs or ear-tugs) or is otherwise uncomfortable (“I need a clean diaper” or “I can’t get comfortable in this car seat”).
You will notice this in malls where Mom has been shopping and forgotten that her baby is on a schedule. The baby starts with a mild cry that builds in intensity. “Hurry up and take care of me Mom!”
• I’ve had enough –
Listen for: Get ready for a fussy, whiny cry. She may try to turn her head or body away from over stimulating sights or sounds.
This is a good time to change sceneries. If you are in a noisy place, move to a quieter area and rock the baby until he settles down.
This also happens when your baby or toddler is beyond tired. They are fighting sleep. You will have to settle them down, so that they can fall asleep.
Rub their back, say soothing things, or play relaxing music. There is a wonderful app by Calm that plays all kinds of music to help babies through adults relax.
• I’m bored –
Listen for: This cry starts out as coos (as baby tries to get a good interaction going), then turns into fussing (when the attention she’s craving isn’t coming), then builds to bursts of indignant crying (“Why are you ignoring me?”), alternating with whimpers (“C’mon, what’s a baby got to do to get a cuddle around here?”).
This is easy. Pick your child up; engage them; laugh and talk to them. It makes me crazy when people say “You spoil your child when you pick them up.” I guess at some point, you can spoil your child, but pick them up, talk and play with them, so that they are emotionally secure. 
The power of touch and engagement is really important to a child’s emotional growth, self esteem and sense of security.
Go have fun with your child!
Interested in learning more about your family’s dynamics? Contact me – Ms. Parent Guru to receive information about my inspiring parenting programs for Aging Parents, Mothers and Daughters, Mothers and their Sons, Fathers and Daughters or Fathers and their Sons.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
How to Motivate Our Kids
Did you ever take music lessons or practice a sport to become the best? It’s called deliberate practice and there are important life skills that children learn when they practice becoming better at something. One lesson that comes up for me is resilience. My daughter wanted to take dance lessons, and once she started attending the class, she decided she didn’t like it and wanted to quit. That happens often with children. They will like something because their friends like it. The challenge is getting them to stick it out until a natural ending like a concert or the season ends. Requiring them to finish at a natural ending point, teaches tolerance.
You see it a lot in some cultures where practice is relentless, but the outcomes are amazing. I think about the Olympics and Russians gymnasts. I thought they excelled because of their over-the-top work ethic. I also think about Chinese students and music. Practice makes their performances better!
This deliberate practice requires us (as parents) to perform our show and tell. It’s one thing to tell your child to go and practice their clarinet. It’s quite a different feeling when you share with them that on your job or in your business, you have goals to attain and the better that you are at setting those goals, the better you are at mastering them and achieving them or smashing them!
Parents, we have an opportunity here to build excellence no matter what your economic or social standing. When your kids are with you, get them to do more of what they like and practice it until it is amazing. You notice I’m not saying perfect because perfect means there’s no room to grow and be better and there’s always room to grow and be better. I’m also suggesting that you allow them to do something that they like, as opposed to what you like for them. It’s less of a struggle…
By the way, this is not just a skill for musically and sports inclined children. For the kids who love academics; who love reading; who love writing; who love tech; help them find tune that skill and motivate them to become outliers.
An outlier is a person that stands out from all other members of a particular group or set. They stand out! That’s a positive thing. Our children are born with gifts that require motivation, nurturing and fine-tuning to stand out. As parents, this is what we can offer our children:
- A safe home environment
- Food to eat
- Love
- Encouragement
- Structure
Sometimes the gifts that live inside of our child, are quite different from ours or anyone within our family. It doesn’t make the gift wrong or strange… just different.
So practice motivating your child and that gift of theirs, while they are on summer break. If you haven’t already seen their brilliance peek out, keep watching.
Click Here to become a part of my parenting community.
C. Lynn Williams, #MsParentguru
Family Dynamics Strategist, Author & Speaker
Chocolat and Dad
One of my favorite movies is Chocolat, and I like it is because of the title. The other reason is that Johnny Depp is in it. ♥
In the past, I was drawn to this movie because, I like how the star of the movie and her daughter move into a very tight-knit (closed) community, and change the hearts of the townspeople. (No spoiler alert here!)
Anyway, I watched Chocolat the other night, and saw something that I hadn’t noticed before…
I never noticed the relationship between the dad and his daughter. As carefree as he was, he was super protective of his daughter, and enjoyed spending time with her. But he wasn’t the huggy, kissy type. That reminded me of my relationship with my father.
In my dad’s later years, that was what he shared with me – his feelings for my siblings and me. It wasn’t something that I noticed growing up. As a matter of fact, I remember my dad being nonchalant and aloof. That’s how man were taught to feel in his generation.
In honor of the hundreds of millions of misunderstood dads, I’ve written a book called – Daddy and Daughter Thoughts, which will be released this summer. Look for another email to pre-order your copies.
To those of you with a great relationship with your daughter (father), enjoy your time with each other! If you haven’t spoken to your daughter (father) in years, and you have a way to contact her (him), reach out and make a connection. It may feel awkward at first, but keep trying.
If your daughter (father) has passed, pull out those memories of the fun times and remember your relationship with love.
Staying Sane While Raising Your Teens 
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